student mother wife woman

my weekend

2009-12-06T16:19:00.002+11:00

consisted of this:

Friday night - Work Xmas party - was a fancy dress party (1950's) - and I WON! Not so good was the fact that I left my prize in the cab *doh*. Party was excellent and I feel like I have cemented some friendships there. I am really loving my workplace. Drank a lot of wine (well what else do you do at these things) and played some lawn bowls. I dressed up as Stepford wife - thanks to Savers of course!

Saturday morning began quite slowly lol, with some soda water and dry toast and then off at up to birthday party no 1. A fairy party for a 3yo. Survived that by drinking ginger beer and eating various party treats. Off home for a quick change into super hero costumes and then onto birthday party no 2; a batman party. With a brief stop over at one of the local coffee shops for a skinny latte take away (for me). Make sure that lolly bags are given to us due to the massive consumption of sugar throughout the day already and then drive to our local fruit and vegie shop. This shop is an amazing, but only recent find. We've been living in our area for more than 4 years and it was only when I was discussing our area with a work colleague that lives close by that I was made aware of it. You can buy just about anything in there (as long as it is grown in Australia and is in season) and it is delicious - the guy that owns it, works in the shop and he encourages people to try the food before buying it to make sure they like it. He gave me a strawberry yesterday and my goodness, it was the sweetest little strawberry I have ever had! They don't do plastic bags there, it is either bring your own or get a box. And the icing on the cake is the fact that they welcome the children into the store - my children walked in yesterday in their dress ups - with no shoes on - sugared up to the hilt. A recipe for disaster in normal circumstances.. but the employees instantly engaged with them and encouraged them to look, shop and purchase their own fruit. Brilliant little shop: isn't it just wonderful when you find a little shop like that?

Saturday night was shared with our neighbours - I had a beer and it instantly made me feel better - and we sat around in the front yard for most of the night.

Sunday - woken up around 9am (ah, pleasure to sleep in) and breakfast in bed (sunday special in this house, always pancakes of some description) followed by a trip to a shopping centre to do the fortnightly shop. A nice lazy day (well we mowed the lawn, washed the car and did general household stuff).

Now back to work tomorrow. Oh and I guess start to think about XMAS eeeeek.

out of retirement

2009-11-25T14:32:00.004+11:00

Hello all,

Long time between updates... I was brought back by 2 comments from lovely Jenn and Melissa. I thought I would briefly update.

So it is now 11 months post student life. I have changed jobs - I am now working at a major public hospital - initially in rehab and now over in acute (gen med). Such a different world going from rehab to acute. Because people are medically unstable, it isn't always possible to assess and have contact with patients. In my last rehab position (within the same hospital) I would set my own timetable, work within a team -but leave hospital grounds and visit people within their own homes. Now, I'm based with a tight team of colleauges, as well as the ward staff (interns, nurses and other allied health) and my patients are there becuase they are unwell - and their medical needs can be unpredictable. And some die.

To say I think this will be a challenge is an understatement. But I think I have it in me and I do love the pace of the hospital environment.

I cant' remember if I mentioned this in previous posts, but J commenced a full time teaching position this year (ongoing too!) and he is going great guns. He has been asked to teach year 12 English next year - which means they obviously think he is capable - so he is pretty chuffed about that.

Our house is pretty much cruising along at the moment, we've all just adjusted to our lives and now studying is like a distant memory for us. Just yesterday during a break, I was discussing with fellow workers that this was only my 11th month out ... which brought about all the questions about the last few years of studying, thereby forcing me to reflect upon this time. Looking back, I don't even know how I got through those last months (never mind the last years) . We are still 'enjoying' our newfound financial freedom (we just came back from a trip to the Gold Coast) and we have a little savings - working it up to purchase something big (ie - house/investment).

Life is pretty good here.

I'll try to come back again soon to update. My life is a lot less chaotic now than it was my last blog update.

why I'm absent

2009-05-22T08:13:00.003+10:00

There are lots of reasons - general busy work life, the juggle between parenting etc.

But there is another reason. My job requires me to give 120 per cent everyday. I am dealing with some of the most complex cases that most of my team have ever seen - I thrive in this type of workplace - I feel like my skills are increasing at a rapid rate and I am doing the best job that I can.

But when I come home - I am spent. I.just.can't.give.anymore. What I dream of doing is coming home, burying myself into a little cocoon, silent and numb. But that just isn't possible, is it? Don't get me wrong, I am not bringing my work home with me, I've never had any difficulties with that - Its like I don't have any feelings left - any empathy left - I've given so much throughout the day that I just feel that I need to replenish at night.

I thought I was alone with this in that I'm good at what I do, but I will not last long kinda way - but speaking with the other student who now works with me - she feels exactly the same way. Though slightly different because she has no children and lives alone so can be alone with herself.

I had a big heart to heart with my old thesis supervisor - who has morphed into a good friend/mentor and processed some of this stuff with her. She remembered feeling much the same way. While she had me there on the phone, she then used the opportunity to suggest that we should look at publishing an article about my findings. Thats pretty exciting!

I'll be back later to talk about the graduation ceremony/party weekend. It was amazing.

the coming 3 days

2009-05-07T06:03:00.003+10:00

today - I graduate. I have been invited to special drinks for sw honours students where they will present awards as well. I pick up my regalia at 5.30pm - drinks go from 6-7.30pm and then the ceremony starts at 8pm. There are nibbles afterwards. I am taking my mother, my stepfather, j and my children. Slightly nervous that the children will be exhausted and lose it somewhere during the ceremony, but I really want them to be there.

tomorrow - I am going out for dinner with some of my closest friends (incl some that are flying in just to celebrate with me).

saturday - J and I hold a massive party to say thank you to all of our friends who have supported us over the past 6-8 years.

Am I excited? So much so that I can't sleep, hence the 6am blogging.

teaching

2009-04-18T13:41:00.003+10:00

I know most of you might already know this from FB etc, but James got an ongoing teaching position which he starts on monday. Now for the non-teachers amongst us, getting an on-goinging teaching position in VIC is ridiculously hard (esp. for graduates). And after some tears earlier on in this year because he seemed to be unsuccesful in getting a number of contract positions, he goes and lands himself a bloody ONGOING position.

Is this really happening to us? I can't help but think, what is going to go wrong? (the pessimist that I am ; ) of course). Suddenly another whole new world has opened up to us.

I read a fascinating article in the paper today and I would love to share it with you, as it deftly combines both J's and my passion in one succinct article.

http://www.theage.com.au/national/behind-the-learning-curve-20090417-aa9m.html?page=-1

J's position is at one of "these" schools in a disadvantaged area where some children face extroidinary struggles to even get to school every day. Reading this article, I had to wipe tears away as I read about a single parent who had to make a choice to either pay rent or send his child on a camp. He chose to not pay rent this week. And make no mistake, this is not a singular occurance of someone who has no money budgeting skills. This is a combination of circumstance (in being left to raise children alone) and unemployment, which means having to depend soley on the absolute meagre amount that Centrelink provides. Without even going into specifics, families like this face uphill battles as they contend with limited resources (that Centrelink provides - way under the poverty line - another post perhaps?) in schools which are as the Mel uni professor likens to "shadows of their former selves" in this above article.

I've had direct experience of this. What pushed me into sw was my previous employment in a state primary school in a very well to do area, surrounded by private schools. This school had full support from a charity, had a fridge full of food to supply lunches for children who had none and provided a breakfast club every day, so that children could start the day on a full tummy. Now this isn't a secondary school, this was a primary school with children as young as 5. It always amazed me, that within 5kms of this school - obscenely large houses were being built and sold for millions and millions of dollars - while across the road one of Melbourne's most expensive private schools did a roaring trade (I'd heard that the uniform cost $1000 dollars ;) ) and here this school was, struggling for enrolments as the aspirational middle classes turned away from it in droves as it freely took in the housing commission children when no other school in the area would. Doesn't that last sentence just make you aghast. But reflect on your own practices, would you send your child to this school? Or your teenager to Debney Park (remembering that the next closest school is University high!!)?

I'd like to say that, yes I would do it. And when I was an employee at the above primary, I once argued with one of the teachers there who told me that education was the greatest gift you could give your child (explaining why she made the decision to send her children to the private school where uniforms cost 1k) and that public schools just didn't cut it. Quite a sombre statement from a teacher.

Now I just happen to agree with that statement; Education is one of the greatest gifts you can provide to your children. What I don't agree with is that quality education should be bought. Every one of our children are entitled to this gift and the funding process needs to be critically looked so education can be inclusive and quality, no matter whether you attend Melbourne Grammar or St Albans college.

One last comment. Living on Centrelink was an incredibly tough time for us. Yet, we had skills to manage, we spoke english, we were not sick nor disabled in anyway, we had family who were supportive and we had each other. Most importantly, we saw a light glimmering off into the distance which reminded us why we had made this decision. We were very fortunate.

Another article that may interest as well;

http://www.theage.com.au/national/poor-children-less-likely-to-improve-20090417-aa9j.html?page=2

eek. A long pause between posts

2009-03-29T18:56:00.002+11:00

For anybody left reading (I bet not a lot of you lol) I've been thinking about updating for quite a while because, quite frankly, I have lots to tell! Everything is going so well - since I've last posted - I've done LOTS. So lets start;

Work

Work has been going fantastically. I have now dropped down to 3 days a week (much more manageable in terms of balancing family life etc) and I have been asked to stay until August, working 3 days a week (ca$ual rates too). I've stopped stumbling 'Hi, I'm a stu.. social worker' and now my profession just rolls off my tongue naturally. Working until August really, really works for me - as it gives me 8 months to really ground myself - get some experience, network extensively - and then in a few months, start looking for a job that I want. There are some mighty good ones circulating atm too. I also really love who I work with - I love working within a multi-disciplinary team, especially one that works - cause apparently lots of them don't.

Home

Home I can pretty much rave about. J has been working full time doing CRT work ($$$), so for the first time in six years - our household has EXHALED fully. We have been dutifully reporting every cent of income to Centrelink and for the past 2 fortnights our payments have been ZERO. A cause for celebration in this house, let me tell you. Apparently after a number of zero payments Centrelink will send a letter saying that they have cancelled any payments/entitlements - that will be when the real celebration will begin.

Little J & N are just going great guns at school/kinder/cc respectively. Little J has grabbed onto literacy and just totally run with it, we are shocked about how fast he is learning to read. He bounces out of bed every week day, excited and happy to be going to school. We are very happy. N is attending childcare 3 days per week (my work days) and then going to kinder 1 morning. Because childcare is so locked up around here, we have had to spread N's care across 2 centres - one across the road from my work! So now one day per week, N and I battle the crowds on the trains (ha, they can't beat me I bought a new pram just for this reason - attempt to defeat me at your peril), giggling and talking the whole way along - it feels kinda nice to know that my youngest baby is so close during my work day and as an added bonus, it forces me to finish on time or close to it as I don't want him to be there until 6pm at night. So far he loves it and is actually relishing the time spent with me. We both are.

I do have something else to add which is quite important, but thought it was deserving of it's own title.

Bogan Mobile

The lovely 'ol car (read: pile-o-shit) has been retired. Yes, you heard it right. Last week, we became the proud owners of a newish car, bought entirely with our savings (partially stimulated by K.Rudd). My children practically wept with joy at the amazing wonderful car that we now own. The car comes from a friend of a friend (highly regarded - especially with regard to the servicing and upkeep of the car). This time last year we would have NEVER imagined ourselves in this type of car; in fact I've been known to heckle at cars which are similar. But, after we were told about it - we looked at each other and went "YEAH baby!!" - J was sold on the 10 CD stacker (?!), while I melted when I saw the condition it was in, tinted windows, LPG conversion.

So what is it?
.
.
.
.
A freakin' Landrover. Yes, you read right. We live 6km away from the CBD of a large capital city and now we own a Landrover discovery (V8) - 7 seater.

And now the poor Ford/Holden/bogan car sits all forlorn in the driveway, with no number plates (removed by some cruel person in order to get a refund for remaining duration of the registration). Now it awaits a call to the wrecker, to remove and "wreck" this vehicle. As much as I have spoke badly of this car (or lawn mower - as it sounded in it's last days), it never once broke down on us in all the time we had it. Well, the breaks failed and most of the engine was held together with gaffa tape, but you know...

So now, a majestic bloody Landrover sits in our yard. Our neighbours marvelled, our friends have cooed and we cannot.stop.driving.it. And you will not believe the price that we paid for it..

So yes, life is pretty amazing right now. Next up on the list in our house is; graduation ceremony! Dinner at an amazing restaurant with some delicious friends and a huge party that we're throwing to say thank you to everybody that supported us and cheered us on through the years. A party that a number of guests are flying in for.

Off I go again, best get ready for the week. Hope everybody is going well, I might have to check up on all my fave blogs..

Wednesdays

2009-03-04T07:19:00.005+11:00

I love them.

Wednesdays mean that I don't work. Normally right now I would be running around - showering and rushing to get on the 7.40 train. But today, I sit with my machine coffee (thanks Shel ;)) listening to the boys giggle uproariously as they negotiate their breakfast. No childcare for little N; so for the first time this year, he gets to help take J to school for drop off.

Ah. I just hope I can maintain this nice sense of balance. Wish me luck wont you?

Right, time for breakfast I suppose...have a lovely day.

Tagged by Melissa + update

2009-03-01T17:01:00.006+11:00

The rules of the game: 1. Go to the section of your computer where you store all of your photos.
2. Select the 6th folder.
3. Select the 6th photo from that folder.
4. Post and explain about that picture.
5. Tag 6 other people

This photo is of my parents with N a couple of years ago when we took a trip to the snow for the day. Great idea!

Not around much as you can see. Work is stil incredibly challenging and busy. I love it (and I loved it even more last week when I got my first pay...!!). The workplace is honestly one of the best I have ever worked in. Teamwork just works at this place. The workload has been very challenging for me; not something a grad would normally undertake - but oh so good - so worthwhile, meaningful and so positive. It's starting to become second nature to describe myself as a sw, instead of student sw lol. This week coming is my last week at 4 day - I'm moving down to 3 days per week and I am really looking forward to it. I want to be home a little more with my boys and I think 3 days will be a really nice balance. My locum position has been extended for a large amount of time, so things are just cruising along nicely.

My partner has also been working (CRT work so v.rewarding financially) and he has 3 schools ringing him so he hasn't been out of work for the last few weeks.

We've been out looking at cars; so we can retire the 'ol bogan mobile as she is getting on a little bit. My oldest son has been excited beyond belief and begged us to go and have a look at car yards around us.. do you think he is excited, or what?

I have neglected the gym entirely for the past few weeks, but I've decided that tomorrow; it's back on - I feel so much better when I exercise; I'm getting daily headaches again - which had disappeared when I was doing the gym routine every day.

I made a snap decision today to book a flight to spend a weekend with my mum and sister for my sister's 50th birthday. So next friday my mum and I are flying up and I'm going to spend 48 hours with my mum and big sis. I'm really looking forward to it - I haven't seen my sister in years.

Ah, I can hear my children calling.. I must go. I've emailed my thesis to a few of you - I'd love to hear what you think...

More info..

2009-02-18T14:15:00.004+11:00

Sorry I really was blogging on the run yesterday! I was on my way to work. I've neglected this good old blog lately as real life has taken its toll.

First;

Thesis

As I mentioned in my earlier blog post, I received my mark on monday. Yesterday, I met with my gorgeous supervisor (gosh, I love her) to receive the hard copy of my thesis and the actual official markings etc. My thesis overall received a mark of 84 (two scores averaged), so clearly a H1. My honours mark overall was made up of my 4th year subjects averaged (worth 50%) and my thesis (50%) which equalled 80 - so just into the H1 arena. But pfft, I'm there and thats all that matters. The remarks about my thesis was simply mind blowing. On the train on the way home yesterday, I read my thesis again (spotted 3 editing errors oops) and went hmm it is pretty good, lol - perhaps these markers were on the money!! I will include the following comments; there were pages of them, but will just include the really special ones (to me):

"The thesis was a pleasure to read. It is thorough, authentic, sound and
comprehensive. The study makes a significant contribution to our knowledge
of this area, and especially the potential role of sw. I would encourage the
student to publish her work widely and present the material at relevant
conferences. The hosp sw special interest group of the AA SW, for example,
may be interested in a presentation of the findings". "The way the findings
are presented is very respectful of the participants and they are reported
in a way that is authentic. The use of quotations, stories and other
material about the experiences of these women is very effective" "The
conclusion is strong and these findings are significant. Well done". "The
study is excellently executed and the theoretical framework is well
justified" "The thesis tackles a difficult area, and does this with great
rigour. It is heartening to see the centrality of sw"

If anybody else is interested in reading the full actual thesis, it is massive. But I am happy to email if anybody really wants to have a read... I also have a small report that will work better as it is only 2 pages long!

Honestly, I had no idea that I would feel so immensely proud of this - this piece of work is my own, from inception to submission - I have had control of what is in there, how it looks, what it says - obviously without the amazing women that contributed it would be nothing - but I am still very proud of myself. Its a funny feeling. And that one of the markers has encouraged me to do something with the results feels so amazing. They believe the results are that powerful and the area so deserving. Wow.

Work

Work is excellent, but oh-so-tiring. So much more tiring than when i was there as a student. There is no protected case load and nobody there that I can bounce ideas off. I am there mostly making decisions on the run and learning fast about managing up to 16 patients at once - it is a grade2/3 position so not a normal 1st job after graduation! I'm really seeing the beauty in having a year or two to be a graduate or grade 1 practitioner. Just the extra level of support would be really beneficial to me - still I'm surviving and flourishing even. I seem to work really well under pressure. I really, really enjoy working. I'm half-heartedly looking for something a bit more permanent - if something excellent comes along I will apply for it, but otherwise I'm really happy working where I am. The income is excellent, the team type atmosphere is fantastic, the work itself is really rewarding and the skills I'll come out with will really help to get me another job.

Home

Little J has settled into school really well. He is bringing home his readers and talking about his schooling. He has some new friends (all girls) who he adores and his favourite class is art and computers. N is also going great guns - especially considering how much his life has ramped up this year, he is loving 3yo kinder - but really does appreciate the down days at home. Today at 3pm, he is yet to put on any clothes - he loves that type of freedom lol. We recently bought them a bunk bed and they are loving it and appreciating their personal space (they were sleeping together in a single bed, by choice!!). J is also starting more regular amounts of CRT work. Which is great for him and at the same time, he is putting together a research proposal that he will complete this year as part of his Masters (so back on the train ride again, but not me this time thank god!) and last night he was asking me for advice about the methodology - never thought I'd be one to give him academic advice! So apart from that, our household is healthy, happy and chugging along quite happily.

my thesis

2009-02-17T06:47:00.002+11:00

Very quickly - because I have to get ready for work.

I just wanted to share that I have received my thesis mark.

H1 (high distinction or A - the highest mark you can get). The mark for the thesis was so high that it pulled my overall honours mark up also to a H1. I'm graduating with first class honours.

I have never been more proud of my achievements. I'll come back and talk more once I have a little more time. But I thought a few of you here would be interested to know.

A week for firsts..

2009-02-05T18:58:00.003+11:00

Little J started prep (he LOVES it - totally adores it)

I started work today (omg so busy - I have a caseload of 15 patients!)

J got a phone call and did his first day of paid teaching - CRT work!!

N starts 3yo kinder tomorrow.

J and I are marvelling at how lucky we are. What a fabulous start to our year. I have a feeling that 2009 is for us.

I'm just SO happy! SO SO Happy!!

2/2

2009-02-02T19:35:00.007+11:00

First day of school.

Thesis submission.

Letter declaring me finished and eligible to be employed as SW.

Offer of Employment letter detailing what I will be paid

Did I mention I finished UNI.. Did I? Did I? Did I?

Gym today - 50mins on bike.

Back..

2009-02-01T09:03:00.003+11:00

Wow, I've been a bit neglectful of my blog, apologies for that, but things have been super busy here - oh and HOT.

My thesis is done and will be submitted tomorrow. My supervisor says that I write beautifully (not that you ever see it here - I'm always blogging on the run ;) ) . If anyone is interested in hearing more about my research, let me know and I'll devote a whole post to it. Anyway I'm off to uni tomorrow to drop back my uni books that were due back last month, have a coffee with my supervisor and submit 2 bound copies of my thesis and then pick up a letter saying I've completed my degree and eligible to join association - just in time for...

Starting work on thursday! I start 4 days a week for the next few weeks and my job hunting will take on a more serious position. Through networking there is a possibility of a job coming my way, but I don't want to jinx it so will not say too much yet. Suffice to say that it would suit me down to the ground. Anyway, I'm looking forward to returning to work. It will be so bizarre going there though, as the last time I was there I was a student and now I'm there as a paid employee. Another great part is the other student has secured a maternity leave position there so at least we'll be in the same boat lol. Two beginners treading water together lol.

My oldest son starts school tomorrow and I am so excited because HE is so excited about it. This morning he woke up and said 'oh I can hardly believe it, I am so EXCITED to be a prep Mummy!'. Our plan for tomorrow is to drop our youngest son off at childcare and then J and I taking little j for a babycino before going to school. Tonight I will be preparing school bags, laying out uniforms and getting lunches together , what a proud moment for me. All the other kinder mothers think I'll be the sook tomorrow, but I don't think so. I'm proud and excited for him. He is so ready for school. To celebrate this momentous occasion, his body decided to mark this by losing his 3rd tooth (top front one) so now he looks like a big boy.

Well unless you live out of Australia, you will most likely know that we have just endured a horrendous spate of 40+ degree days here (with one reaching 45) - urgh. For those days we camped out in the loungeroom on air mattresses in front of the aircon. Very cute to sleep all together, the boys loved it. I have to admit though, after those few days we were very happy to get back into our own beds - air mattresses are not the most comfortable - especially when they appear to have a slow leak! To escape the heat during the day, we sought refuge at our local pool and this is where an amazing thing occurred. Everyday we went, we ran into at least one of little j's friends - and by the end of day 3 - little j was swimming like a fish. Why is this exciting you ask? Because last year, most of little j's swimming lessons were devoted to getting him to putting his face in the water. He was terrified! By the end of the year he had progressed to putting his head in the water but refused to take his feet off the ground. Well! On friday his face was barely above water and he was swimming from one side to another. Such a confidence booster for him - I only wish I had the camera to capture the absolute joy on his face. And n! He was also swimming - and he was throwing himself in the water and diving to me for the whole time. I'd forgotten how fun the swimming pool is, so today we're off to another local pool for a few hours.

Unfortunately J has not managed to secure a position for this year. He has had a number of interviews, applied for stacks of jobs but keeps getting pipped at the post (being ranked no 2) - he is pretty devastated, and truth be told so am I. I had hoped that at this time we wouldn't be struggling financially so much... but we are actually worse off at the moment because our childcare has stopped being subsidised and instead of paying $6 a week, we are now paying $165. Eek. So hopefully he will get some emergency teaching and will manage to pick up a job soon. He is so fantastic, he is clever, he did so well at uni and his portfolio is amazing but apparently it isn't easy for graduates to get jobs - and there were 5000 graduates who finished teaching last year. So that coupled with experienced teachers is really a lot of pressure. Those that know him are gobsmacked that he hasn't been successful yet. He has such a way with teenagers and is just like one of thos cool teachers that we all used to have (mine was in grade 5, he played in a band and drove a retired ambulance to school - man he was so cool). Anyway, I have every faith that his time will come.

Exercise has only just started up again. I stood on the scales the other day and I've put on 2kg . That 2kg is devoted entirely to the editing and writing of my thesis. Back onto it next week.

I have so much more to talk about. Sydney, family, life - but I think I will leave it there - and make it a resolution to post more often.

Just putting the final pieces together, back soon

2009-01-20T08:35:00.003+11:00

Sorry I haven't been updating, my thesis is due next week and so all of my energy has been focused on that.

Just a general request from people who may frequent here. I'm looking for some art to compliment my thesis - especially the title page and I would rather use something from someone "I know" iykwim. I'm also happy to put a short poem on there somewhere. It doesn't have to depict miscarriage, but it needs to fit in with the themes of silence, loss etc.

Alternatively, if you have any ideas about what I could do illustration wise there let me know..

If you do have any ideas or want to talk privately about it - contact me on asmcl1@student.monash.edu

Talk after the rush of next week is over :)

catching up on tags...and great procrastination tool

2009-01-14T22:26:00.003+11:00

1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars.
3. Played in a band.
4. Visited The Great Barrier Reef.
5. Stood under the stars in the outback, the real outback – think Uluru.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to the Gold Coast’s theme parks – anyone, you take your pick.8. Climbed a mountain.
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sung a solo.
11. Bungee jumped, jumped out of plane, been paragliding or hang-gliding, hot air ballooning – you get the idea, you’ve been hundreds of metres about earth in a seemingly flimsy contraption.
12. Visited Melbourne.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
15. Had a child. Raised a child. Worked with children.
16. Had food poisoning.
17. Been to the Snowy Mountains.
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Visited the Brett Whitely studio in Surry Hills, Sydney.
20. Slept on an overnight train or bus.
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Been backpacking.
23. Taken a mental health day.
24. Been buried in sand with just your head and toes sticking out.
25. Held a possum, kangaroo or koala – or any other native Australian animal.
26. Gone skinny dipping.
27. Been in a fun run.
28. Been on the Blue Mountain cableway.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Played, or watched, summer cricket.
32. Sailed, kayaked or canoed our beautiful waterways.
33. Seen the Daintree.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
35. Visited an Aboriginal settlement or mission.
36. Learned a new language.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
38. Toured the Sydney Opera House.
39. Tried rock climbing (indoor or outdoor), abseiling or just simple bush walking.
40. Visit Queensland’s Gallery of Modern Art.
41. Been to the Tamworth Country Music Festival.
42. Sunbaked at Bondi.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant.
44. Visited Broome.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
47. Had your portrait painted.
48. Gone fishing.
49. Seen Tasmania’s old growth forests.
50. Been to the top of Q1, on the Gold Coast.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre.
55. Been in a movie.
56. Driven the Great Ocean Road.
57. Started a business.
58. Taken a martial arts class.
59. Visited Norfolk Island.
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Guide biscuits.
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Got flowers for no reason.
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.
65. Gone jet boating.
66. Visited Port Arthur.
67. Bounced a cheque.
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favourite childhood toy.
70. Visited the Australian War Memorial.
71. Eaten Caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Federation Square.
74. Been on the Murray River.
75. Been fired from a job.
76. Travelled, or climbed, over the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
77. Broken a bone.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Three Sisters at Echo Point, Katoomba.
80. Published a book.
81. Visited St Mary’s Cathedral, in Sydney.
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Been to Hermannsburg.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.
85. Read the entire Bible.
86. Visited Parliament House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had chickenpox.
89. Saved someone’s life.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous.
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
94. Saved a pet.
95. Been to the site of the Eureka Stockade.
96. Swum in The Whitsundays.
97. Been involved in a lawsuit.
98. Owned a mobile phone.
99. Been stung by a bee.
100. Read an entire book in one day.

I'm here

2009-01-12T07:55:00.002+11:00

Just recovering from the general Xmas mayhem followed by travelling and spending almost 2 weeks away from home. I've been home for almost a week, but have been chained to the PC making final touches to my written work for my research.

I'll be back, I have plenty of photos to share... and lots of stories to tell. Including an instalment of the never ending story about my father (not a good one I'm afraid) - lots to tell about Sydney, talk of my NYE resolutions (a bit late, I know) and all of our amazing expectations for what will hopefully be a fantastic year for us.

My Xmas

2008-12-24T08:37:00.003+11:00

Happy Xmas eve everybody!

Sorry I have not been around much - we have been so busy, and I haven't been near the computer much (hmm, I need to be - but more on that later)

I've had an incredibly busy week - we've had;

My Dad come to visit for a whirlwind weekend

Yes you heard right. My Dad rushed in and then rushed out for a visit. I was sad that he didn't spend longer with me originally, but now to be perfectly honest.. I'm not sure I could cope with much longer. He literally is like a hurricane - whipping up and lurching from one situation to another. It was nice, he barely let go of me the entire time he was here - touching my arm - cuddling me, squeezing me. It was nice and I think I might have got to know him a little bit better too. He also came bearing gifts which were not expected, but greatly appreciated. I know he loves me. I really do, but I think he just finds it incredibly difficult to show this love to me, and the emotions scare him somewhat. He cried a little while he was here. I also had a number of phone calls from my aunt asking me to fly over to Perth as my grandmother is unwell. But I'm going to Sydney tomorrow, so any flights will have to happen after the 6th of January... watch this space. When I'm in a better frame of mind I will go into this visit further, I'm still just processing it all.

A 3yo birthday party

During the above chaotic visit, we had a little party for N. He invited 2 of his best friends (and their older brothers who happen to be best friends with J, so everybody was catered for) and went to his favourite park. Due to my Dad being here, J made a cake. I had promised N a 3D lightening McQueen cake - but that was very ambitious of me I must say! In the end, J cooked a cake and iced it to look like a road scene and put lightening McQueen and Chick on it. The children were still amazed by it and N was estatic that he had a Cars cake at all! It was such a beautiful warm, no hot day and a fun day was had by all. Normally we throw these mega-extravaganzas with 15 children, but you know what? They can be just as fun with 2 of your closest friends.

Xmas present buying

Yesterday we again armoured up and went into the fray that is known as Knifepoint. It actually wasn't as busy as I expected it to and I managed to get quite a few things at discounted price! Hooray! All presents are done, all gifts are wrapped and waiting till tonight for going underneath the tree. J and I renegged on our earlier agreement of no presents and bought each other a novel.

This is why we are buying J a camera for Xmas; (hint: look into the reflection on my sunglasses)

Organisation for our holiday

Eek, trying to get that done. So far I've packed the children's luggage - and just waiting on borrowing a suitcase from my Mum to pack ours. Two days ago I went to Savers and spent $100 on some gorgeous vintage pieces and dresses - god I love that store. So my suitcase could be overflowing... We are also having people come to stay for a couple of days, so we need to have the house in excellent shape when we leave. The family that are staying are lovely, and I want to make sure they are comfortable. I am slightly concerned about how our cat is going to go, in the last week he has decided to sleep on top of us every night (ie - sleeping on my chest, when I turn over he falls off but he gets straight back on). I best warn the family about that LOL. I am so looking forward to our holiday, I can't believe we are going tomorrow!

Job

Haven't heard a peep from the job yet. I'm losing hope about getting an interview, but I'm actually not that concerned you know? I wasn't sure that I was ready to go to work 4 days per week and I already do have a temporary position at my placement starting in Feb anyway. Something will come for me, I know it.

Thesis

Haven't done a thing, still. Today is the day that I am going to cut stuff out and have a good go at it. I promised my supervisor I'd put something in the mail for her to read over the holidays..exciting stuff, yes? She has also asked me if I could do 2 presentations for incoming students next year about my research and I'm just a girl who can't say no. I find it very difficult to say no, so looks like next year, I'll be doing 2 uni presentations!

Tagged by Shel

We are having Xmas eve dinner tonight and this is whats on the menu;

Entree

prawn cocktails (a nod to my favourite decade - the '80s)

Main

Cumin salt pork rack with baked peaches

potatoes, sweet potatoes, pumpkin, garlic beans, cauliflower cheese etc

Dessert

Cylie's ice cream pudding; ice cream with pistachio nuts, turkish delight, marshmallows, frozen raspberries and custard. Good god, it's going to be GOOD.

No alcohol for me - I'm on antibiotics due to a nasty sinus/no voice infection that I'm battling; so soda water for me tonight.

Take care and Merry Xmas all. I probably will not post again until early Jan. Take care and for some of you, I'll catch you soon xx

Happy birth day N

2008-12-18T09:28:00.004+11:00

Happy 3rd birthday little one....

Tuesday, this week so far...

2008-12-16T19:41:00.004+11:00

Birthday present for N.. done.

Shopping at Knifepoint.. pretty much done.

4 x batches of marshmallow cookies for gifts, parties etc.. done. (and before you even think I'm some type of Martha Stewart, my glorious man cooked them as I scurried around pretending to fluff around essay writing)

Presents shipped across Australia and the world... done.

Gym - twice this week - monday - boxing class and 15 min on bike. today - 30min running. (probably will not touch the surface considering I've been stuffing my face with those marshmallow cookies)

Kinder party attended - awww, so cute, so cute. My oldest baby has finished Kinder, roll on big school next year.

Thesis. Not.one.bit.

Savers = waah haven't got there.

so now what?

2008-12-14T17:54:00.004+11:00

Well I'm sitting here on a sunday afternoon. All of my coursework has been completed. Tomorrow I will get up at 5.50am to go to cycle, then come home without having to rush to board the sardine line - I will take my children to Kinder/Child care and my might leisurely go home and make myself a yummy coffee (thanks Shel ;) ). Thats going to be strange. The next time I enter a workplace there will be not "student" in front of my name, and I will be getting paid!

While I am excited for the most part, I still have this dreaded thesis hanging above my head and until that is done I can not celebrate fully, so today/tomorrow/tuesday and beyond you will most likely find me with my head firmly down attempting to get as much done on my thesis as possible. Because I just want everything to be over, I want to celebrate with my family and do family things - and if I do happen to score my dream job - they want me to start straight away.

Now onto this dream job. I am currently trying to stop myself from getting my hopes up too much. The reality is that this workplace takes a number of students (I think approx 6), so it is very likely, strike that certain that out of that group of 6 students there will be at least one stand-out. Who will probably apply for the job and will be given it. I know how these things work, I truly do. What is keeping my hopes up is that I've had 2 phone calls from the head of SW there who knows my name and has spoken to me for over 45 minutes - very kindly explained the structure of their dept and gave me ideas of how else to get a job there (locum advice etc). But still, one must be realistic about this. I cannot let my random daydreams of working there next get the better of me. And its got nothing to do with being desparate for a job, because I really am not. I guess it is just the first time that I have felt passionate about a potential job - like I've been fiddling around - loving Women's health, writing about women's health, reading about women's health, hoping to get a placement there for the past 5 years and here is a real opportunity to play a part in shaping the experiences that women have. Look, I think I'll get an interview - surely on the strength of our telephone conversation I believe the woman I spoke to will grant me an interview - and the resume and cover letter I sent in today will surely impress them - but I'm not so confident on being given the job.

Anyway onto real life; my baby boy is turning 3 on Wednesday. His request for his birthday - a Lightening McQueen cake (eek!), um ok son. His request for friends, "I only want Oscar and Henry Mummy, they are my best friends". So looks like we might have a teeny, tiny get together at the park this weekend, because party is such short notice and so close to Xmas - and my beautiful grown up little boy will get his Lightening McQueen cake - oh and perhaps a birthday present from his parents. Best get onto that, and all the other related Xmas stuff that I have to do in the next 11 days. I haven't bought a thing for Xmas yet! Wheeeee, Knifepoint in the week before Xmas. My idea of pleasure, fun and laughter... NOT.

We fly out in 11 days - how exciting. Our trip to Sydney is shaping up to be fantastic. So far we have plans for NYE staying with gorgeous bunch of friends - for a day/night/day full of feasts and drinks alike. Our children will be delighted to play with a bunch of friends - it will be so much fun! We also plan to be the quintessential tourists up there - visit the Harbour bridge, catch a ferry, go to Taronga Zoo....um, eat out as much as possible..lol. Any other ideas?

Anyway, I smell all things that are good to eat on the stove. J has made a beautiful casserole type dish and my tummy is rumbling.

I think this is a sign that my posting here may well increase again.

xx Thanks for following and supporting me my lovely friends. Some of you have listened, patted and consoled me for the past 5 years - You know I love you all. Thanks xx.

ps - I so need to get myself to SAVERS!! I'm there tomorrow morning I predict ;)

Guess who is coming to visit next week?

2008-12-14T07:28:00.003+11:00

My father. He rang me last night to confirm dates that he will be here in Melbourne and we spoke for approximately one hour.

Thats the first time we have ever spoken on the phone that long. It did end abruptly due to him becoming emotional, he is such an interesting person. I know there is love there, but he just doesn't know what to do with those emotions.

I'm really looking forward to seeing him. I'm also submitting my application for my dream job today. And aren't they just the funniest things? "I'm so excellent, my skills are everything you have ever been looking for..." lol, how difficult is it to rave about yourself!! Regardless, this is everything I have worked towards and now I will cross my fingers and hope that I score an interview. It is causing a little bit of insomnia as what the impact of working 4 days a week may do to my children. It wasn't what we initially planned, but I must do this. I hope my children will be ok and I can cope. I believe that this job will challenge every part of my practice.

Achieving my dream job

2008-12-10T20:05:00.003+11:00

Job advertised CHECK

Feel butterflies in my tummy
when I imagine myself working
in the place I have wanted to for
the past 5 years?

CHECK!

Call your thesis supervisor, and
casually mention it who gets all
excited, demands you apply for it
and offers to be your academic
referee - and advises to talk
about your thesis topic as much
as possible during interview

CHECK!

Realise that I have already said yes
to a locum which could impact
directly on the "dream job"

CHECK!

Ring up, just to get some info and
end up having 25 min convo with
the manager who makes you want
the job MORE and who encourages
you to apply for it.

CHECK!

I'm applying for my dream job. My tummy is tingling at the thought of it. I need this job. My research, my passion, everything is directed towards this job. If I get it, I think I will be the happiest woman in the the world. Imagine that, imagine securing a job that you have dreamed of for the past 5 years.

Please god, please god let me get an interview.

TWO MORE DAYS TO GO. TWO MORE DAYS UNTIL MY PLACEMENT IS OVER.

preoccupied

2008-12-05T20:47:00.002+11:00

Sorry for my non-stop focus on my uni atm. One week. One more week to go.

ONE MORE BLOODY WEEK.

(sssh stop trying to remind me about the thesis. I know, I know. I have to finish that too).

Mon through to Fri and then it is all over.

ps - I did cycle today after a little hiatus. I feel virtuous and I think I will go tomorrow and do pump and then cycle. I've given up sugar pretty much too. Lets see if this kick starts the last 7 kilos off me.

J's birthday on wednesday, I'm going to buy him a leather satchel as a b'day/xmas/happy graduation present... I hope he likes it. God I love him.. I think I might go and spend some time with him right now.

countdown

2008-12-03T22:01:00.002+11:00

Thursday
Friday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday

FINISHED.

('cept for my thesis)

32

2008-11-28T07:02:00.003+11:00

Another year.

Day went like this.

Barely slept due to Bo-bo sick.

Wake up - to presents; beautiful bag (seriously beautiful), earrings and a silver briefcase of make up.

Receive phone call from my best friend over in England - forget that I'm supposed to be getting ready for uni as I sink into the couch and chat with her. God I love and miss her so much.

Breakfast - J makes me french toast with bacon. Yes I'm spoilt.

Off on the relatively empty train to uni - where I hear how to write a CV (yes, I've been doing it correctly for the past 14 years). Meet with my thesis supervisor who tells me she is impressed with my results chapter (that is a birthday present in itself). During a lecture I receive this text message from my mum

"I've tried to call you, I know you are very busy. You were born just over
30 mins ago, 32 years ago and what a beautiful baby you
were. You have grown into a beautiful young woman. So happy
birthday A, love mum"

I sooked. Goodbye lunch with the other students and academics. Wow, 2 weeks and we are there. 2 weeks and my placement is OVER.

Run to the train, get off at work and meet my supervisor - laugh hysterically all the way to our meeting for the afternoon. So much laughter, it is supposed to be work - but we discuss all manner of things. Gee I'm going to miss her when I finish. She gives me a present (an eyebrow wax voucher, which her partner frowned upon saying 'what do you think she's going to think about that?', whereas I was so happy. Eyebrow waxes are something I just cannot afford - so off to get the furry things shaped today)

Back from meeting and catch 6pm train home. Call mum to let her know I'll be home, so she comes over to see me. Have a quick dinner, cuddle with boys and then off to kinder AGM where I nominate to be vice-chair again.

Home at 8.40pm.

Such a busy day, yet still filled with my friends and people that I care about. I'm having dinner with my family tonight, and I think there is cake on saturday night with the boys so I'm looking forward to that.

What I'm not looking forward to is the crazy day I have at work today. Very tough and challenging stuff will probably be happening today. Can't say much more than that.

2 weeks to go.

well..

2008-11-20T21:02:00.005+11:00

He didn't get the job. :( . The goodish news is he was one of 48 applicants for the position and he made it to the top 4 for interviews. From that he came second, with the number one applicant somebody who had already had 6 years of teaching experience. The interviewing panel told J that he had interviewed fantastically and that the difference in experience was the only thing that got the other person over the line.

J rang me today to tell me the news and was despondent and a bit down on himself. I almost cried (god I cry a lot don't I - I'd already sooked today, but more on that later) because I had really thought that this job was in the bag for him, so close to where we live and just convenient you know? He has applied for a couple of other jobs but lots of them have teachers sitting in them too, so he is not hearing back for interviews etc. I just want to hear his exhale when he gets a position, he so deserves this. Hopefully it will come his way soon.

Now onto my little meltdown - this morning I kinda lost it. Well it comes from the past four days of catching my ride to work in a tin of sardines (oops actually the train into the city - fuck me are Connex shite, or what! I actually have to take a deep breath and charge through the millions of other passengers on the train every morning, where I am touching at least 1o other people on that train ride in - awful), fiddling my thumbs as I wait at Southern Cross for a train that actually stops at my station (note to connex part two; this new system doesn't work very well for trains stations either side of the city loop), get to work and work my arse off - struggle home back in the sardine carriers - get home, say a cursory hello to my children and my husband, walk into the study - shut the door and then start my data analysis. Yes, it's pretty god damned awful at the moment.

Gym, nup no time for it. Yes and I am getting fatter as every day wears on too, thanks for asking. Parenting? Nup, no time for it. Well, when they are looking for me they come straight to the study and they are surprised when I'm not there. What an indictment Sex? nup, no time for it. But strangely enough plenty of time to dream about it with inappropriate people. Discussion with my husband? Nup, no time for it. Hey, I talk. Me: 'harumph' *sigh*.. snore. Screaming like a banshee, stomping my feet and pulling my hair out with frustration because I couldn't get my printer to work at 7.35am this morning to print out a 35 page interview and I was scared I was going to miss the "sardine" to work - Oh yes, all the time in the world for that one. My children now think I am stark raving mad woman as I dissolved into tears over a printer, A PRINTER!! I tell you! So it didn't get much better, I missed the "sardine" and caught the next "sardine" and managed to score a prime position, squashed up against the door, prime real estate really (apart from the seat that the lucky bastards who live in McMansion Ville get to have, well I guess you gotta get something for living out that far, right?). I saw my gorgeous supervisor, who I just adore and she has given me the day off so I can concentrate on my uni stuff. Down side is, I'll still have to fight the other fish on the train, but once I get there - I can shut my office door and write with limited interruptions (on call for my patients, but as they are being d/c at such a quick rate, I doubt I'll be needed ;)).

My weekend away with my girlies has been delayed. I know it is the right reason, we shouldn't go - I need the extra time to study, but boy was I looking forward to it.

Back to my study xx

Even better news!!

2008-11-17T20:32:00.002+11:00

J has a job interview!!!!!!!!!

The assistant principal rang him today to tell him that he has been shortlisted to 4 from a rather a lot of candidates and that she was very impressed with his application!

His interview is next tuesday. WOOOHOOOOOO. I think my husband is going to be employed sooner rather than later! He only put his application in on wednesday for this job! He also put 4 more in for schools around us, so hopefully he will get one from these...

(sorry in advance that these posts have turned into nothing more than comments on our situation. I have little brain power to think about much more..)

In case you needed more proof..

2008-11-15T21:30:00.003+11:00

J has just appeared with a copy of 'Sex and the City' on DVD, yes I am slow and no I haven't seen it yet and has demanded that I remove myself from the computer (I've been sitting here for most of the day)* and lie on the couch and watch it while he gets on the computer and continues transcribing for me.

God love him.

*well almost all day. I did get to the gym for body pump followed by spin and then a quick trip to my physio to do pilates with her. J has spent most of the day prancing and dancing with the boys, joyful that he has no more work to do. When I was having my shower this morning, he opened the door and said 'hey Lex, I've got so much more uni work to do.. NOT' and then pranced off again laughing. Ha.

Tomorrow I'm off to meet my friends new, fresh little 6 day old baby boy. She says he cries like a little kitten. Be still my rattling ovaries.

I'm off to lie on the couch.

My husband.

2008-11-14T22:06:00.002+11:00

The man above all men.

HAS HANDED HIS LAST PIECE OF WORK IN FOR HIS DEGREE. What a fucking legend. And you know what else??? He just came in and offered to do some of my transcribing (yes, still doing that can you believe it?) because he loves me so.

He has 5 more days of his prac and then he is all finished.

now I just have to get there. Week 11 here I come....

Excellent news

2008-11-12T07:41:00.003+11:00

Yesterday I was officially verbally offered a temp position doing my supervisors role in February (now that is a compliment!! - grade 2) and then cover leave for another sw in another ward. I've also been asked to apply for a full time position for maternity leave (and to consider another part time maternity position), but I don't think I will go for it - not sure I want full time at this stage as there is too much going on at home with J starting prep and N starting 3yo kinder.

So I start in February - which is lovely as I get to have the whole of January off with my family, settle J into school and then start work.

I'm home a little later today because J has prep integration morning - very exciting and scary to be ordering his uniform and watching him go off with his peers to experience prep. I then have to rush off to work to facilitate a discharge.

As evidenced by previous posts, my tolerance levels have been taking a battering, so instead of attempting to engage with fuckwits, I've decided to batten down the hatches and keep my head down for the next few weeks.

Oh and how is this? One of my participants in my research contacted me to let me know that she is 5 months PREGNANT!! I burst into tears - I didn't realise how much I had emotionally invested whilst interviewing her and it just so happened that I have been poring over a hard copy of her interview, so I was back there in her story when I found out. She knew she was pregnant when she did the interview with me but she was at the danger period where she had always m/c so didn't dare believe it was going to continue. But it has *sob*, what wonderful news eh? Great news.. great great news!

dreaming

2008-11-09T11:40:00.002+11:00

As I try to do everything I can to avoid what is most important at the moment (writing my results chapter), I just thought of something that I can share here.

Last night, while I was taking a break from my uni work, I walked into the living area and saw J sitting facing the stereo, glass of wine in one hand, eyes shut, posture relaxed and him just enjoying a quiet moment with the music. I haven't seen him doing that for such a long time and my reaction shocked me. Do you know what I did? I burst into tears and his eyes flew open with concern - but my tears weren't about sadness or longing, they were tears of relief and joy. Now I might be still plumbing the depths of my final weeks of study, but for my glorious husband - friday was his last day of uni. All he has left is 7000 words (due this friday) and another couple of days at his placement. Then it is all over for him. 5 hard years and it comes down to this - this might sound overdramatic but I cried because I haven't dared to think about what comes next in great detail, but over the past few weeks cracks and glimmers of hope are starting to appear. We are that bit less careful with our shopping and feelings of panic and dread don't hit as I see the checkout price. We've started to think more seriously about what we will do next year, the car, the income, the freedom to think about things.. I cannot explain to you how this is feeling. Anyway back to J. I haven't seen him this relaxed this entire year - he has been working day and night - he has also been shouldering a lot of the financial pressure that I normally take on. It was just so lovely to see him like this, so the tears flowed freely and they were tears of relief.

Can you imagine what I'm going to be like when we both graduate? I think I'm going to howl like a baby when I get to walk up on stage - it is all seems so dream like that this is going to occur - and I know that some people don't value the ceremonial aspect of graduating very much, but for the past 5 years I've been visualising this moment for myself and when I watched J graduate last July with his undergraduate degree, I cried buckets for him. But it isn't just me that I'll be sooking for, because I already know there are a number of people who will be there; my mum and Mario who packed up her life and moved to Melbourne and has moved her life around to help us with our childcare in the past two years. Who moved to live in the same suburb to support us in any way they could; lending us money when times got really tough for a bit there this year, who took me out and bought me shoes last year before I started my first placement because I didn't have any and couldn't afford them, who has encouraged us and cheered us on all the way. I will never be able to repay them for the love and support they have given to us. And so they must both be there to watch. And to my special little boys who have only known parents who are stressed and who always have so much on our plates - who know how to get to Melbourne uni by car, train and could probably get to the library unaided. They also know the trains to Monash and think the computer is permanently attached to mummy's fingers. I also have many, many friends who have loved, listened and supported us the whole way through and we have tried to figure out how best to say thank you to those around us, so we are planning this big catered party in May 09 - the weekend of my graduation and though details are sketchy at this point, we think we will throw open the doors of our humble abode for family and friends to say a big thank you.

And see just like that, I waste 30 minutes dreaming about next year. SMACK, get back to work - how the hell am I going to keep myself on task?

Questions to puzzle me on a saturday?

2008-11-08T17:12:00.002+11:00

Just curious to know why my entry entitled: gastro would be linked to a private forum?? It brings up a number of questions...

Why would anybody be interested in linking my entry about gastro in a thread? I mean it could only mean one of a couple of scenarios... either they (the members) felt sorry for me and thought 'oh poor Lex, come members look at how sick Lex and her family are, here look at this link where she decribes the family bodily output..' or they may perhaps not be a fan of me and are taking some peverse pleasure in laughing at our recent misfortune. I'll never know because I don't have access to their website. Whatever.

Now don't get me wrong, we all love our private little domains where we can chat, I'm a member of a few places myself. But I found the whole thing rather unsettling seeing in this blog history that I had been linked onto a private forum, especially out of all the pages that I have on this blog - there are plenty that are much more interesting ;) than my families gastro.

Ho hum. I'm back off to do my study thing. If anybody knows why my posts would appeal to a select few members of women here, could they enlighten me?

Things to make me smile on a friday..

2008-11-07T18:47:00.003+11:00

ok time for positive, happy happy joy joy post! These are all the wonderful things that have happened in the last week.

As of today I have completed nine (9) weeks of a 14 week placement!

Today I upped my caseload to eight. How cool is that? That is almost half of the patient load (20).

I have organised a drug and alcohol worker to come in and present at a PD session in a fortnight. Kudos points for me. :)

I have managed to continue to network with a variety of people with a sw at a major hospital here and she has invited me to visit her. And she is a Monash alum too (Distance education too, who would of thunk it - we DE people really do make freakin great sw's - my own supervisor is also ex Monash, in fact I started the same year as her).

Today I had a particularly long intro phone call with a family member - and didn't realise that my supervisor was hovering and as I hung up the phone she looked at me square in the face and said ' You are amazing!', she had overheard my conversation and thought I was excellent. Kinda hard to beat that compliment.

I won a Melbourne cup sweep on tuesday - giving me $36 and I've decided to take my family out for breakfast to celebrate.

Today my husband attended his last lecture of his degree.

My 5yo went under the water during his swimming lesson no less than 7 times and is so chuffed with himself.

My mum came home from her holiday and QLD and brought me the most beautiful earrings from Eumundi markets.

And next week - I'll be in week 10. And I'll have 4 weeks to go.

Only bad news that I have is my next deadline is looming. 17th November and my 1st draft of results is due. Best get onto that, eh?

Oh yeah and that I haven't been to the gym in almost 3 weeks but I'm off tomorrow for pump then cycle, wish me luck because I think I'm gonna need it.

ok, mood has cleared.

2008-11-03T18:48:00.003+11:00

Sorry for the last grumble post. I don't do "sick" very well. The upside of all of the events of the past week are; I've lost 4kgs!! Downside is, it is most likely water loss and it will be back soon enough. My oldest son J has managed to also recover, returning to both Kinder and cc today and it looks like the man of the house has managed to escape the horror of tummy terrors! Lucky man.

I went back to work today, I felt awful - I'd missed more than 3 days there last week and I went back to one of my patients going home and 4 new ones coming in, so a very busy day! The time is just running away from me, I can't quite believe that it is week 8 of my placement! I'm now at the point where I am pretty much independent, and I loike it a lot.

So many things going on in the world at the moment, my mind is constantly distracted by what is going on around me, to the point of neglecting my own studies (naughty) - but I've been hungrily devouring anything written about the much discussed "financial crisis" that is threatening the economy - I read this for a number of reasons - obviously the selfish reasons of wondering and trying to imagine how and if it is going to impact me? Are they scare mongering? I know I've pretty much secured employment (even if it is just a locum position), will house prices really drop and will that enable us to buy? Selfishly I also think about the lucky position that my partner and I find ourselves in - we might be in a low income group right now, but we are only transitting at this point and we enter the next year - tripling our incomes but with little debt, so if we hold on tight, we might benefit. But then, what of all the people who will next year continue to live with incomes just like ours - struggling to survive, pay exhorbitant rents and feed their children good food on what feels like a thimble full of money? So, for these people I worry and so I hope that it doesn't get as bad as what the media are saying....

The other major thing (in case you've spent the last 22 months asleep) is the US election, due to be held in 2 days. And a time, where I really do hope that the wind of change that came sweeping Australia last November continues on down the line with Obama. What a time in history this is...

You can bet that in 50 years - this era will be critiqued by historians and economists alike - and so I might be like, a bit of a nerd, but it kinda feels exciting to be here witnessing these moments in time.

(and now I'll turn my wank-o-meter off)

I'm cranky.

2008-10-31T07:25:00.004+11:00

I return to the land of the living today. I've spent the last 24-48 hours doing things which I will not go into on here, lest you are eating. But, I've lost a few kilos and I have been unable to eat for the past 2 days. Unfortunately just after my last blog post, my oldest son also came down with gastro and he and I have been taking turns in hugging the toilet bowl and laying about on the couches, him watching kids movies and me reading trashy magazines donated by my Mother.

I am unable to go to work today - where I work has a strict gastro policy, you must not attend work for THREE days after gastro, so all my worrying about work earlier in the week and then I end up with 3.5 days off out of 5 anyway. Looks like I will be working almost up until XMAS now. That makes me cranky.

I'm cranky about other things that I have read specifically today. Except to say that if you're going to insult someone - try a bit harder than resorting to lame sexist insults about 'hormones'. That makes the bile rise in my throat (not that it is too difficult at the moment ;)) and although I detest the person who made the comment that I am thinking of here, without reservation, whoever uses such rubbish in point scoring, shows a certain shallowness and most likely has little knowledge about gender and sexism. But then this will probably wash over the likely offenders, as they will excuse my crankiness or ranting, as "she's just hormonal". No I'm not. I JUST DON'T LIKE YOU.

How to top the previous post?

2008-10-29T18:00:00.002+11:00

I think I can, I know I can...

See in this house, we like to share. My son N looks incredibly like his mummy. His personality is distinctly like mine too. My N is a child who is intune with feelings and emotions, a really giving - yet sensitive child.

So.

WHY DID HE THINK that passing on gastro to his Mother was the way to go?

Stomach is currently gripped in spasms. It was a very tricky ride home on the tram and meticulous handwashing has been occurring. I think I want to cry.

In better news, N is mostly better. No sickness at all today, and he is back eating little bits of food. Beautiful little cherub that he is.

Can't say much more because I'm retiring to bed.

xx

Gastro.

2008-10-26T19:14:00.006+11:00

Just a heads up; this post may illustrate me as an uptight perfect parent, but I hope not.

For the last 24 hours we have been nursing, rocking, cooing, washing, cleaning vomit with towels, changing sheets, washing our entire sheet collection, feeding electrolyte icypoles to and worrying about our little boten boy, N.

Every 45 minutes from around 11pm last night little boten has been vomiting. He has had a brief break for a couple of hours where he lay lethargic, spent from all of the violent vomiting that he has had to endure over the past few hours - but he has appeared to have started back up again.

All fairly normal, albeit heartbreaking to watch, childhood illnesses, right? Well yes. BUT. They had close contact with another set of children a couple of days ago and the family failed to disclose that the youngest child was struggling with diarrhea and had been previously vomiting. And what do you know..hey, presto - 48 hours later - my baby comes down with it. Now this has pissed me off somewhat. I understand that we don't know when our children are going to get sick and unfortunately only hours before N's sickness started he was sharing a pool and gallivanting around in the sunshine with 3 of his buddies. But I dutifully informed them this morning and apologised in advance if they contract this most awful strain of gastro.

Anyway (get to the point Lex, I hear you saying) - I rang the parent* from where the gastro originated from (actually for another reason initially) and the conversation went icy, then heated and resulted in her hanging up on me (defensive and an overreaction from her - I certainly wasn't raising my voice - but just exhausted etc). So anyway as I sit here I wonder, am I the odd one out in reacting like this? I work full time. My babies get such little precious time with me. I also must devote a great chunk of my weekend to my thesis. Unfortunately due to this weekend of illness, we have had barely any sleep, barely any uni work done, we've had to miss a birthday party and because our baby will still not totally be recovered by tomorrow, we have to tag team the day. J has a presentation at 11 @ uni that he cannot miss and I have to facilitate meetings with consultants and family in the afternoon - at least that doesn't clash so we can tag-team, but I get no sick leave - I have to make that time up! All minor complaints, but something I would not wish upon other people - hence why I keep my children at home, not at care and hopefully away from infecting other people - this was clearly not the case in the above situation.

god, just read this back and it sounds like I'm a whinging 'ol mother. I'm not, I try to be carefree I do, but sickness stuff I just do not budge from my reasonings - if they appear sick to me they stay home from childcare - I do have or make playdates with other children if I believe mine might be infectious.

Am I too uptight? Do I need to loosen up and share the love as well as much bacteria as my children can handle?

*parent is close friend (or was - eek).

money, money, money..

2008-10-25T13:08:00.003+11:00

We received an unexpected windfall yesterday, with an amount of money that may be small to some, but will keep us out of serious trouble for the rest of the year.

I cannot tell you the sense of relief that I am feeling right now. Now I can order my son's school uniform for next year, pay kinder fees for my 3yo for next year and buy my children some shoes. Today we went to the fish monger and we bought 1/2 kg of prawns, calamari and some pieces of salmon to eat over the next two days. We went to our local farmers market and bought the food that we would prefer to buy but haven't been able to afford. Is this a taste of whats to come for us? HELL YES. We can now go and look for a bed for our two children (at the moment they are sharing a single bed). Now hopefully my husband can sleep a whole night through without waking up stressing about how he can provide more.

Fuck, it really feels like we are going to finish - he has only 3 weeks left, me 6. We are going to finish, the sky isn't going to fall - and we can pay our bills and keep afloat until December where we will receive the next 2k bonus. That bonus has already been flagged for January's rent.

Yippeee.

*cough* I didn't go to the gym today, but I did find out at my physio appt that I have very unstable hips flexion (I think) and a very weak core (I already knew that) - this is where my side, hip, lower back pain is coming from.

so tired..

2008-10-22T19:53:00.002+11:00

I am so tired. Bone achingly so. I'm sitting here at 7.50pm - J is out tutoring, children have finally settled in bed - pile of dishes with my name on them to wash and all I want to do is have a hot shower and settle myself into bed with a book.

I've also been avoiding this blog a bit, because I am finding it really tough finishing the story of my father. Donna is right, it is difficult - but I want to get it done and I will try.

My work is brilliant. My case load is now hovering between 5-6 and in preparation for my midplacement review my supervisor and I had a meeting - where she said many positive things and fed back that members of the team had been very positive about me and my skills. (big smile there!!) In other shocking news, it appears we are now entering job hunting season, with no less than 9 jobs on the market - eek, does that mean I have to apply?? eek indeed. I am absolutely loving my role and I'm not sure I will be able to leave it easily in another 7 weeks, lucky there could be some type of opening for a locum position at least :) starting in February.

My research is coming ahead, I am up to data analysis stage. Here is what I have so far;

lack of acknowledgement

lack of compassion+++++

lack of information+++++ (which occurs throughout hospital experience)

invisibility of the baby (language use etc, not a baby, bleeding is like "a period")

invisibility of the mother (women not "seen" in treatment responses)

Loss of control, loss of power

Strong emotions about treatment even after grief of loss subsides

Self-blame/excuse making for ill-treatment

What women want?

Information
Power to make some decisions about their treatment (ie - natural, D&C)

Leaflets to take away

Their babies to be recognised as babies, no matter the gestation

to not have to wait in emergency

continuity of care

Directives from the researchers point of view

Information, real information - they for the most part understand that medical professionals can not answer some questions, but to be available and open to answering questions and describing what they do know as openly as possible. Being thorough about processes, even about logical events - because people in crisis may NOT think logically.

Medical staff to undergo PD (possibly from SW dept) about communication skills - active listening etc.

To reinforce that although a common consequence of pregnancy, it is not common for the woman experiencing it and for all staff to be mindful of this.

How does it sound? I think it is alright, obviously that is just base grade theming occurring there - plenty more work to do!

Gymming is going well - I was there 4 times last week, this week I've only been once but I intend to go another few times before the week is through. Eating has been pretty good, with a downfall here and there - but I do spend most of my day running between patients, up and down stairs! J had his second integration day today at his new primary school and from all accounts (ie- the husband) he appeared to do very well. Oh, I can't believe he is starting school next year *sob*

ok off to wash the dishes.

my father - part 4

2008-10-17T23:18:00.004+11:00

ok - so I moved to Melbourne.. and I happily lived here for awhile - I worked two jobs - partied hard etc. After a few months I began to feel... something about what occurred over there. I felt sort of sad that after all the wanting and wondering where my father was, I now knew where he was but couldn't contact him. I felt angry and pissed off with what had occurred and the cold hard light of day also made me wonder if I had somehow caused it.
So I rang him. And he was delighted to hear from me. He pretended like nothing had ever happened (like he does, move on - don't look back brigade) and so I attempted to join him. Marjorie was still in the picture but she wasn't so threatened this time because I was over the other side of the world. Brief conversations continued over the years, very brief I should add. Perhaps a phone call (from me) once every year or two.
And so I met J and fast forward a few years and we had decided to get married - I decide to tell my father - so I send an invitation to them. Silence. Obviously I didn't expect him to come, but I thought that I might hear from him - this is a major part of my life, right? I decided to try and ring him, but Marjorie gate keeped that part of his life and she answered the phone every single time I rang - and would say he wasn't there etc.
So apart from letting him know where I was living (I had his email address), I dropped the contact. This made me feel better, knowing I had done everything I could to keep the contact going - I realised that I had survived perfectly well without my father in my life for most of my life and continued on. That was 2002.
In 2003 - I had my first child and so began the emails (you all know the gushy emails that you send to all your friends/family with hundreds of photos of the most beautiful child that has ever been born?) - so he would be included on those. Nothing special - no personal messages to him, just photos out of courtesy, so I felt comfortable knowing that I was keeping him informed. But I never heard any response.
In 2004 - I had my own little mini breakdown which I may delve into further another time ;) - but as a result I was referred to a magnificent psychologist who worked solidly with me for a number of months and this is where I began to openly grieve for a number of things - and funnily enough my father featured in a lot of this (no surely not, you say?). Towards the end of this time with my Psychologist, I received a letter in the mail from a woman called A who wrote a long letter telling me she wanted to help me and my father reunite. I was like - HUH? Who is this woman and what does she want - my first thought was that somehow Marjorie had set her up to do this... Thankfully it was on a day that I had booked in to see my psychologist and I took the letter to him for advice. I was wary, nervous - who was she? What did she want? He agreed with my reaction and advised me that if I chose to respond, I should do so very carefully. As an aside he also thought I should one day write an autobiography about my kooky family history, and just imagine for a minute what the Psychologist would have seen in his time! Anyway, I thought about it for a while and then responded with a very curt reply basically saying, who are you - what do you want? Oh and what happened to Marjorie?? LOL She sent me a massive package back filled with pages of letters, heaps of photos etc. She answered every one of my numbered questions..
And so slowly I began to thaw and a penpal relationship formed with (what turned out to be) my Dad's new partner. She said he couldn't talk about me without getting upset and felt great sorrow about what occurred, but had no idea on how to express it. 2005 came and the letters - emails - etc still came and then all of a sudden I received a phone call from my father saying, look out - I'm coming over to Australia, can I come and see you? I just about fell of my chair with shock and I didn't quite believe it as he had repeatedly told me when I was over there in 1998 that he would NEVER ever enter Australia again.

But he did come in November 2005, I was heavily pregnant with my second child - and we spent some time together - he was very taken with my oldest son (then 2.5) and seemed to get along well with my partner. And on one afternoon we sat there and he and I had a big talk about what occurred over there. He was shocked by some of the things that occurred to me over there and he did apologise. That same day, his partner took me aside and told me that my father would print out every single photo that I emailed over the years and show them off to everybody. This shocked me because my father has never once replied to any of these, so I had assumed that he didn't even look at them. He brought with him a number of toys and voiced all these plans of how he would set up trusts for his grandchildren. I knew better this time, accepted the gifts but had no real expectations about anything else.

Time passed - communication started off great after he was here. He would ring me every month and talk to me - but I don't think he knew how to relate to me - and I wasn't asking much from him - I was just doing the old shallow chit chat. He rang after the birth of my son - and then on Xmas day.. but over time the calls began to drop off again.

I don't mean to drag this out - but I have one last post to make, and I am oh-so tired. I've been at work today and it's almost 11.30pm. I promise I'll be back to give you the rest - some of you will know the next installment anyway, as it includes a weekend trip to Perth for a wedding for a maternal cousin's wedding - that ended in an emotional reunion with my paternal auntie and grandmother - and writing about that is going to take more than I have right now :).

I'm trying...

2008-10-13T22:36:00.003+11:00

But this post is proving to be difficult to write.

So I'll just fill this blog post with meaningless drivel. I am now in WEEK SIX of my placement, hows that? I am now carrying a caseload of 4 patients *wheeeee* , I have my first discharge coming up this week and I am juggling the role ok (well I think I'm ok?!).

Little J is angry at me/us/ for suddenly being away from him 5 days a week and is acting out as a result. Last week he cried and said 'please mummy, no more university - I don't want you to do that anymore' :( - it's so difficult to explain to a 5 year old that the end is coming soon, so we just say - Xmas little one, Xmas everything will be better.

I'll be back tomorrow to conclude the father chapter.

ps - I'm back at the gym - saturday, pump then cycle and then today I did cycle at 6.15am!!!

my father - part 3

2008-10-07T20:52:00.002+11:00

So we were up to round one of the Marjorie versus Alexis fight yes?

So anyway, the next morning I woke to find my father gone on his round the countryside adventure and to say I was hurt and disappointed was an understatement. I rang my mum and she gave me a bit of strength. I continued on in my daily ritual of television, television, food, cigarettes a bath and then more television. Marjorie would come home and attempt to start some type of argument with me. I actually distinctly remember the day after that first argument when she came home and I was up to the afternoon viewing of home and away - she came in and began to pick up the cushions next to me, puff them up - make tsk tsk noises and attempt to get me to pick some type of fight. This was what type of wacko I was dealing with.

The days lagged on and although relations were icy, we began to get on with our normal everyday lives again. Me stuck in the house, while they carried on working. But everything about Marjorie began to make me irritable. I never forget bad behaviour and so I began to watch her closely and things began to annoy the absolute crap out of me. Apparently she was allergic to salt, pepper any flavourings or seasoning so dinner was bland and boring every night. Our long weekend drives became torture sessions where they would pretend everything was fine, while I would sit behind her in the car seething and I began to contemplate what would happen if I put pepper into her food.

It was around this time that she came home and announced over dinner that she had someone that she wanted me to meet, a friend that I could make -Naomi a flatmate of a fellow teacher she worked with - who invited me over to her house in Norwich on the saturday night. I was so excited, I'd been in the country for 2 months and I hadn't been anywhere! They dropped me at Naomi's house and she took me out for a wild night on the town! We had lots of fun and it remains a very positive memory of that journey. The monday after that event, Naomi rang me shocked to tell me that her flatmate had come home from school and told her that Marjorie was talking about the 'slut' that was staying at her house and basically saying horrendous things about me. The flatmate couldn't believe she was saying so many outrageous things about me and told Naomi to let me know. I rang my Mum and coupled with the homicidal thoughts I was having, she advised me to get out of there asap, store my luggage there and spend the rest of my money on an European trip and then come home. It sounded great to me. Now I just had to get a chance to find my father on his own. Marjorie never allowed him and I to be alone.

My chance came one morning when I saw him go to the garage tinkering with his car. I went out and calmly said something to the effect of 'I don't think this is working.. this is what has been happening.. explained the slut name calling.. offered my reasons and said I was going to go on a European jaunt.. store my luggage with him and then go home'. He took it all in with little reaction, he accepted my reasonings etc. But by this time Marjorie had got wind of me and my father alone and came out to us in the garage. I turned around and said 'will you just FUCK off'. And yes, well things decidely took a turn for the worse. My father was mortified that I had spoken like that in public - she began shrieking at me and I let it all out, 3 months of her bullying, intimidation and just plain evil tactics against me. My father turned to me and said 'I didn't ask for this, I didn't ask for this to happen. You and me we are like chalk and cheese'. And I turned to him and said 'Well I am the child here, I didn't ask to be born. You are supposed to be a father. And I am mighty glad that we are like chalk and cheese, because if you had been more of an influence on me I might have turned out like YOU'. He then said that I was to leave his house immediately and that he would call the Police. I rang my Mum hysterical and she was livid, absolutely furious. She said 'do NOT leave, you wait till tomorrow morning - tell him to call the police'. I then rang Naomi and asked her if she knew anywhere that I could stay and I am forever thankful to her, she gave me details for a bed and breakfast near Norwich train station. I rang my Mother back to tell her this and she said 'hold on girly, I'm leaving on a Malaysian airlines flight - I'll see you there - you tell that bastard I'm coming over and he had better watch out!'

I retreated to my bedroom and began to sort my stuff out. I began to think about how I could defy them in the next 12 hours until I was forced to leave their house. I began to smoke in my bedroom, ashing into the pot purri bowl that Marjorie had so lovingly left for me. I took the card where she had welcomed me into her family; tore it into little pieces and littered it all over the bedroom. I took all of my clothes down to the laundry and began washing and drying all of my clothes. At one point I walked past Marjorie when my father wasn't near and she leant in and said 'look at your GOOGLY eyes!' (yes she remembered that pearler, from last entry!!), I laughed and said that at least I wasn't a barren old woman who a problem with facial hair. Once they went to bed I continued my small acts of defiance against them. I called every single person in my telephone book *blush* and spent most of the night on the phone to everybody. I then went up to the bathroom, had a bath and then with much pleasure tipped as much as I could out onto the carpet (the bathroom was carpeted). Pretty shallow types of revenge, but I was 21.

I slept for a couple of hours and set my alarm to wake me early. When they woke up - I had everything packed and waiting. My check in was at 10am but at 7 I was ready to get out of there. My father packed my suitcase in the boot and drove me alone into Norwich. He didn't say one word to me. We stopped at the hotel, he parked - got out and carried my suitcase out of the boot, along the footpath and up the stairs into the bed and breakfast. He carefully put my suitcase down, turned on his heel and walked away from me. I stood there, shocked beyond belief that my father - my Daddy would leave me without even saying goodbye. Its fair to say at this point that I collapsed with grief, even now thinking about it is incredibly painful to me. How could someone do that? How could they walk away without a second glance. He didn't know that my Mother was coming. He just left me alone. The manager of the place was witness to this and knew something serious was up - she quickly moved heaven and earth to get me into a room earlier - and I collapsed into bed. I remember little of this time, I know I did a lot of crying - I didn't leave the room. I didn't eat. I just cried.

The next morning - my mum arrived at Norwich train station, with a huge suitcase and nothing in it. She was steely and angry and immediately tried to ring my father at home. Luckily for him, there was nobody home. I remember her turning to me and saying, ok kiddo - lets enjoy this place for a few more days before we head on home hey? Where do you want to go? and I said LONDON please, London! So after a day or two longer in Norwich, Norfolk - we left by train. We went and caught Phantom of the Opera in London and then caught a boat to Amsterdam where I smoked a lot of pot - we wrote phantom postcards addressed to Marjorie at her workplace and blew off steam this way. The laughs we had as I penned a thank you postcard to Marjorie thanking her for her recommendations for a clitoris piercer were loud and long and sustained us for many a train trip! After a week we got on the plane and headed home to Darwin where as we landed I began to cry. I didn't want to be back there, and I fell into a black hole. I stayed at home - here I was; home again - and I didn't want to face people and tell them that my father didn't want me.

About 2 weeks after I returned home, one of my friends who I had worked with in a nightclub up in Darwin, rang me. She had moved to Melbourne and invited me to come down and join her. Her boyfriend at the time was a freight pilot and he organised for me to be flown down on a freight plane for a bottle of gin. So, off I went to Melbourne - with a suitcase, a bottle of gin for the pilot and a trip to a city I had never been to. The rest as they say, is history.

I still have more to tell about my father. There is current stuff still going on. I will tell you, but it will have to be the concluding chapter, because this entry is soooooo long.

My father - part two

2008-10-06T19:59:00.002+11:00

I didn't realise this would be interesting to other people lol.

So... I was up to the phone call.

I remember being at my cousins house and having my Mum ring me and say 'your father is going to ring you, you have to come home'. I couldn't quite believe it, I was numb, excited, terrified, scared, emotional, anxious, happy - you name it, I felt it. I rushed home and then the phone rang and as easy as that, there I was talking to someone who I had waiting most of my life to speak to. He was casual, excited, and I distinctly remembered him saying 'how old are you?' which made me feel a bit strange, didn't he know that? And then he asked when my birthday was which gave me a twinge of pain, didn't he think of me every year on my birthday, like I thought of him on November the 15th every year without fail? But that twinge was overtaken by the excitement I felt and my Mum felt for me as we marvelled at our find!

Over the next week a flurry of phonecalls happened across the continent - and my Mum came up with a great idea suggesting that I change my tickets from New Zealand to visit my extended family to go to England and stay with my flesh and blood, my father. By this stage it was only 2 weeks until I was due to go, but my Mum managed to change it and all of a sudden - bang I was lining up at customs at the age of 21 to fly across the world, to meet my father at the other end at Heathrow airport. I remember the flight well. I didn't sleep a wink the entire flight as I again went through all the emotions; giddy with excitement, terrifying fears, teary, scared, happy as well as being unbelieving that at the other end, I was going to come face to face with my father, the missing part of me.

I remember getting off at Heathrow and being overwhelmed by the size of the airport, it was massive (hey, Darwin girl here!). I came out through customs desperate for a cigarette and found a smoking area inside of the airport (it was obviously the 90's), while I waited - terrified. I remember smoking my cigarette and seeing a grey haired man, with golden skin and my eyes walking towards me. I hurriedly put my cigarette out and turned to meet him. He looked so different from the father that I remembered, in all my imagining of how this moment would happen - I had imagined my father with dark hair and a younger, firmer face.

I've forgotten about what exactly happened during that first meeting - my memory is not so good - probably due in no part to the jet lag that was trying to engulf me. I do remember driving the 3 or so hours back to Norfolk, to his house in Norwich - with he and his partner Marjorie. I remember being in awe of the rolling countryside and the dairy cows everywhere (hey, Darwin again!) and I remember stopping for breakfast somewhere along the way home and them trying to convince me to have a fried bread (bleurk!). After some time we arrived at their house - a heritage listed 300 year old house which was called 'Gothic House' - it was a tudor style beautiful house. My father apologised and said he had to go to work 'for a few hours', I didn't care because I was exhausted and I had planned to sleep anyway. I went up to my bedroom, made beautifully with a gorgeous little card from his partner welcoming me into their house etc. I unpacked and looked longingly at the bed.

Majorie called out and asked me to come down for a cup of tea. I considered it and thought it polite to do so, but planned very quickly to make my excuses to have a nap soon after. I remember sitting there with a cup of tea and Marjorie started off pleasant enough, but after a short while she began to confide in me about my Father. I started to shift uncomfortably in my seat as she began to disclose my father's various indiscretions and how he cheated on her with 'this one' and then that one. I stared at her, with my eyes hanging out of my head as she went into more and more detail and of course after all these years, I couldn't remember exactly what she said except for when she regaled a time that she came home and checked the sheets of the bed where I was to stay claiming that 'the sheets were still WET from them' *vomit*, I remember thinking at that point, who is this freak? I said 'oh, well I guess this is really none of my business' and then apologised and explained that I hadn't slept for over 30 hours and went off to bed.

My father wasn't around much during my time over there. Marjorie worked as a teacher in a seaside town around 30 minutes away, so she was also gone every day. This gave me much more time than I would have liked, alone. It was freezing cold, I had no transport and I was in a village about 20 mins drive out of Norwich. Now, I'm quite an extroverted type of person - I have lots of friends and I am always busy at home. I had come from working two jobs to fund this trip - lots of goodbye parties, love and romance and then bang I was placed in a house in the middle of a foreign country with no friends, no car and in the middle of nowhere. It's sad now to think back to what I turned into. My whole day began to revolve around the television. I would start the day with morning programs, then came neighbours/home and away, then the Jerry Springer type shows. There would be a break of an hour, where I would go and have my daily bath and then walk over the bridge to the shop, buy cigarettes and the papers before I would return back in front of the television to catch the second instalment of home and away and neighbours. After that one of them would be home. This is what I did 5 days a week - oh and I greeted the mailman - I was desp for company. I can't tell you what I did at night, I don't have that many memories - I do remember helping my father a little bit on the computer..

Weekends would be filled with my father driving me around the countryside. I remember a hell of a lot of churches and old buildings. I remember driving through Essex, Sussex, Cambridge. I remember my father buying me an icecream when it was 1 degree, even though I didn't want one - who eats such things when it is that cold?? The British apparently lol. While I was happy that we went on these "family" drives, I needed more. There were things that I needed to get off my chest to my father, about how I missed him, why didn't he come and find me, did he miss me? Some issues that I had been carried around and stuff that I wanted to go over. The only problem was that those were subjects that he just didn't want to talk about. He said; oh, that is the past - why dwell on the past.. lets look to the future! Which made me feel even more funny because this had consumed me for almost my entire life. I couldn't just put it aside and pretend everything was alright. Little did I know that there would be little chance of just carrying on as if everything was fine anyway....

Back to Marjorie. As I mentioned, my father worked a lot. And Marjorie was home before him and would take me to the shops or on errands that she had to do. And yes, after her 'sheet story' she continued to tell me inappropriate things - by god she did. I remember her taking me to a gym that she thought I might like to join (hinting that I should, yet it was a 20 minute drive away when I had no car) and we made pleasant conversation in which I told her that the only time anyone had ever teased me at school was to call me 'googly eyes' (I have big eyes..!) which I found hysterically funny. Her favourite topic of course though was to direct me back to the cheating ways of my father, oh goody just what I like to think and talk about (NOT). Anyway she spoke about this woman he used to be with and said 'oh you are so lucky that he wasn't with her when you found him, she would have NEVER let you into his life'. I laughed and said 'oh I don't think I would allow anybody to stand in the way of meeting and getting to know my father, if she would be silly enough to do something like that, that is'. I spoke firmly about that because I didn't think that would be a reason enough for anyone to stand in the way of a daughter meeting her father - and I wouldn't have stood for it.

The next day as I sat at home after my bath/walk to the shops for smokes, I had settled in to watch home and away. My father and Marjorie arrived home and after a few minutes of hushed conversation in the kitchen, my father called me in. I walked in, my father looked funny and Marjorie was looking at me with disgust and hatred in her eyes. My Dad said 'Alexis, Marjorie has just told me that you threatened her last night and said that if you asked me to, I would leave her for you'. I looked at them and went 'huh?'. He repeated it to me again and after thinking about it for a while I realised how my statement made the night before.. (go on read it again, do you see anything untoward in my comments??) and told him so. Marjorie seethed and said 'you're a liar, you are a liar. You said you would take him away from me if you wanted to etc etc etc'. My jaw was hanging in the breeze at this point. My father turned away and she walked up to me and slapped me across the face - unfortunately he didn't see that. But what he did see when he turned around was me with my hand closed into a fist, swung back and ready to punch her square in the face. He restrained me. I became hysterical. She retreated upstairs to her bedroom and I sat down and he told me that he was seriously considering leaving her. I cried that she could have been so cruel to me. He told me that he was due to travel for 3 days around the countryside and I begged him not to go because I couldn't be alone with her, for I felt sure that she actually hated me.

He played the go-between for a number of days and relations began to thaw. But I didn't forget, because I never do. And the cease fire was only temporary anyway.

I must break this into another part because it feels so therapeutic to write this out and now it has turned out so much longer than I had aimed it be. So, keep hanging on and I'll be back with the next installment.

My father part one.

2008-10-05T17:01:00.005+11:00

Hello all,

I'm trying NOT to transcribe at the moment and a post I answered on an internet forum has prompted me to write about this person, my father.

My mother and father met in Darwin in the early 1970's. She a divorcee with 4 young children and he a divorcee with 2. They met, fell madly in love and were together. Cyclone Tracy briefly separated them, but they reuinited in Perth. They decided to have a child together some time after that and within a year, I was born. Sounds like a perfect story, right?

Well. Let me fill you in. Apparently there was a lot of fighting, abject poverty (apparently I was clothed in cloth nappies made from towels) and the marriage was anything BUT happy. Regardless they got married when I was around 18 months old, and then broke up when I was 2. Obviously I don't remember any of this.

What do I remember? A man who went to disneyland and brought me back a real Cinderella dress which I wore everyday until it disintergrated, his puppies, jumping on his bed with gay abandon as my now five year old loves to do. I remember his pool (remember this point for later) - just positive happy memories of my Daddy.

At some point in 1981, my mother decided to move back to Darwin and so we left and that was the last time I saw my father until 1998. From 1981 until 1998 - I dreamt, fantasised and hoped that my father would come and rescue me - I clung onto my memory of being taken to Myers and told 'pick anything you want for Christmas Alexis', of the big mexican hat - when the going got tough with my Mother during my teenage phase - I clung to his memory. I had to find him, I had to find him.

And so as I neared my 21st birthday - my Mother and I sat down - and decided to try and find him. We went through every phone book and rang every entry in Australia that had his name - but to no avail. I was upset but tried to pretend it didn't matter - but little did I know that my Mother had put an advertisement in a magazine that was printed in New Zealand and Australia and it was this advertisement that my cousin living in Auckland found. She rang me.

(now the following may read like a hillbilly novel - I swear this is true!! And it is possible you may think less of my breeding ;) )

My cousin had not seen my father since he had left NZ all those years ago (way before my existence) - but she could fill in some family history as I was apparently related to half of Auckland. My paternal grandfather was a Welsh man in the Navy, he met my paternal grandmother in Tonga, married her and took her back to NZ where they had 4 children (the oldest, my father). He then left her and went on to marry another ELEVEN, yes eleven wives all of who were Maori. He had children with each of them, hence the comments about many relatives situated over there.

My cousin and I shared quite a few stories and I planned to try and get over there. My mum was so excited by this, she decided to buy me a ticket to NZ for my 21st. That was around November 1997. In the early months of 1998, my Mum had another brainwave - she was sure my fathers family would still be residing in Perth and so took a chance at ringing a radio station that had talk-back (apparently v.popular over there), she told them the story and they asked to speak to me live on air...! Well, within a week I'd had a phone call from my paternal grandmother who lived in Perth and a phonecall from my Father who was now living in England!!!

I'm going to leave you hanging.. this story is far longer than I first thought. I might come back later and add more to the story.

Just had to share...

2008-10-01T17:53:00.002+10:00

I think it was in a previous post I mentioned the life changing and positve aspects of the sw area that I am in whilst on placement.

Today I got to experience that first hand just how amazing this work is. Today we went on a home visit. Home visits occur when patients appear to be ready to start having some weekend leave, they go home to their family overnight in the lead up for them coming home. Before that happens, the Occupational therapist goes to the house to see whether any adjustments need to be made and that the patient will be safe. Today I went on one of this visits.

This person had not been home for a number of months. The emotion that he and his family felt when he walked through the door, I just couldn't begin to describe. Well, I could but it just wouldn't convey it. It was enough that I had to blink back tears a number of times - it was just so amazing watching this clearly loving family just be and the patient reuniting with his pets that he hadn't seen for a number of months. Joyful, ecstatic, emotional, beautiful.

how privileged am I, to have been able to witness this family experience today?

On the drive back to the hospital with the patient, the news came on.. it was a story of parents (I think?) who had been arrested after starving their 7 year old daughter to death, she was found weighing 9kg at that age. Everybody audibly groaned at the description and I turned to my supervisor and said... 'and there is the other side of social work'.

here we go... week 4

2008-10-01T06:55:00.004+10:00

Yesterday I started an independent case load. I was the person the patient met, I was the person the family met and provided education to. Now I am the one who will meet with the consultant and family and run all of the meetings...

And I would have started it earlier had I not been doing the lit review during work time last week.

In the hospital file, my name is next to social worker.

Yaaaaah! Here we go.

Still loving the placement.

I've done the literature review and methodology (2nd draft) so my next deadline is 1st draft of results and discussion and that is due in less than 2 weeks. I guess to do that, I will have to finish transcribing..... so that is my next task.

Things to do with fellow bloggers...

2008-09-26T20:56:00.001+10:00

Donna. We are going to meet. And drink wine. I really, really want to meet you.

Melissa. I'm going to take you to Bridge Road in Richmond to feed you some yummy tofu.

Jenn. We are going to drink a really, really big bottle of drink together - while we yee-ha about our degrees.

Anyone else?

(I'm having an 'I love..' stage drinking my wine).

Good news!

2008-09-26T18:10:00.005+10:00

Completed my sixth interview today! All interviews are DONE! Such a great feeling to know that I have finished, and the interview itself was again brilliant. I feel like I have been blessed to be able to meet all of these women who have allowed me to come and share in their most private experiences. Now to do it justice.

Spent the entire tram and train trip back to North Melbourne on the phone with my supervisor - was good to clear the air about our meeting (see previous post) because as I mentioned I was feeling a little vunerable. But all is good and she has even invited me and my family to come to lunch or dinner with her family once she hands her PhD in and I hand my Honours in.. so I think the sands are shifting between supervisor to friend and mentor (though I told her, I was hoping it would involve a meeting in a bar with plenty of wine - hic!). Which suits me fine because as you can already guess, she is very much on the receiving end of a girly crush from me. And this is so funny because, as I was telling James today, when she was the lecturer of the subject I was undertaking a couple of years ago - she almost failed me and I was pissed off and never really thought of her again, until she rang me this year to invite me into the program... She says I'm going to have to move on from the 59 she gave me from the essay that I submitted in the RESEARCH subject, but I can't get over the sheer irony that I'm now an honours student conducting my own research - In fact I actually think it is hilarious! But yes, now - I've actually found someone that not only I respect and admire - but who I actually like too!

Anyway, enough gushing.

Today the other student who is on placement at the hospital (in oncology) and I had a peer supervision session, at a terrible little cafe across the road from the hospital. None other than http://www.rhcl.com.au/ here. God, does anyone know how to make the link hidden so you click on a word to get there? I'm such a techno-phobe. Anyway - one cafe latte and one pear and chocolate muffin later (omg, I'm so going back there) and quite a lot of chatting - we pledged to do this on a weekly event, to debrief to each other. Because she has also been finding it tough, lovely girl she is too :(.

I went via the ward (my supervisor had an RDO) and did some independent sw - meeting with a new patient and talking to two others... ooh I'm getting the hang of this I reckon :). Then went down to a BBQ on the lawns outside my building - had a sausage and then ran to the train to get out to the North Western Suburbs to interview my final participant. Now I'm at home with my beautiful children. Aaaaah, I just love me a friday - James is out in the kitchen making a pizza for dinner, children are eating their pizzas that they made and decorated - all is right in the world.

tofu

2008-09-24T18:47:00.007+10:00

Still feeling a little overwhelmed by my workload but two very important things have happened in the last 24 hours..

My fifth interview;

This is what it is about. Being entrusted to hear someones personal story - it really brought the end goal back into sharp focus. I am so grateful and privileged to hear these women's stories and I only hope that I am able to do the justice that this story deserves. Also, it just reinforced the themes that I had already gathered from my other interviews. This stuff needs to be told. I just need to remember this when the going gets tough.

My supervisor;

Today my uni supervisor came into my workplace and took me for lunch - her treat. We spent over an hour talking through some things - and I think I might share them here with you. First of all she wanted to know if I had recovered from my angst, or whether I was just *pretending* that I had recovered? Hmm interesting question I said. I replied that I thought I had recovered, but it was just so hard to tell - because I am an angsty person in general - like I worry about things I have no control over and I am more anxious than the average Joe. She then mentioned that throughout the year she has noticed me making a number of comments when talking about further study (ie - PhD) that I always say 'oh that is James' domain' or 'I always get James to read over it, he is the smart one' or comments to that effect. This is the up/down side of having a SW for a supervisor.. LOL. She wanted to know whether this pattern of thinking dominated in any way.

And well, yes. It does.

I couldn't hide it from her any longer. The following jumble fell from my mouth in a virtual heap on the table next to the tofu/eggplant/couscous/sweet potato deliciousness that we were stuffing our faces with;

1.My complex family history - disjointed. Grew up feeling like a failure, told I was a failure.
2.I had my first baby - and the failure feeling magnified to a point where I considered everybody to be much better off without me.
3.Starting SW and during my developmental subject making this horrid realisation that it wasn't normal to being gripped with terror whenever I left the house and having a *wee* breakdown in 2004.
4.Having therapy and making connections to point 1 +2 + 3. Such a major day, that one. The psychologist forced me to yell out what I felt described myself and the overwhelming theme was 'useless'. So many tissues were used as that little realisation came to a head. Good god, that is the theme I had lived my life to. It was awful, awful, gut wrenching - still is to realise this is my schema.
5.Our work together made a lot of ground and I recovered somewhat, but unfortunately this will be a life long battle. And as I said to my lunch companion today, this is my schema. This is the recording in my head. It is something I have to battle each and every day. I seem to cover it well though. I present as a confident and competent woman who knows what she is talking about and where it's at. But underneath that veneer, is someone who is waiting for someone to out her for the fake that she is.

And when I said all of that.. I though *shit* should I have just let it all out like that? Why did I do that? Nothing like a bit of therapy with my tofu I guess.

She then recounted a time when a couple of months ago her and another lecturer were chatting in front of me and they both agreed that they would be very happy for me to see their children as a sw and I apparently looked at her with utter disbelief. I couldn't believe that they thought so highly of me.

And so after some more talk about my study/placement/life in general - we shared anecdotes of mother-guilt, catholic guilt and just guilt in general (I've probably mentioned it here too - it is the one emotion I feel every waking moment), we languished in the sun and promised that every supervision session should be like this, though I said a glass of wine would complement the session to no end, but imagine the confessions that would come rolling out then!!! So with a sense of resignation we finished up our lunch and I went back to work. As soon as we parted the self-doubt began to creep in. What was I doing telling her these things? What does she think of me now? Am I just a navel-gazing twit who needs to just get on, with getting on? What made me just expose my vunerability so easily, to someone I respect and admire so much? Who I consider to be a friend?

Only time will tell I guess...

I absolutely do not mean to whinge...

2008-09-22T20:03:00.004+10:00

but I'm feeling really overwhelmed at the moment.

In the past two days I have had two more people offer themselves as participants for my research. Which has been fantastic for the research (and for me) but that means that I have to juggle my full time work commitments.

So tomorrow I have to be, yes BE on the 7.21am train in order to make my 9.30am interview tomorrow. Then I have to back track back into the city to rush back to work. Meanwhile, my work (as mentioned in previous posts) is incredibly challenging too - and my headspace is pretty much taken up as that. Then I have to have my 2nd draft of my literature review in by monday and I still have more than one transcription to complete (that is without adding in the two that I will do this week).

waaah. I can't stop and chat, I have to get my self organised to be on that 7.21 train tomorrow morning. Oh and above all? I have no money until friday.

I did get to the gym this morning though.

2 weeks down

2008-09-19T18:53:00.002+10:00

and while I'm on placement, my boys get to do things like - go to the zoo! My mum woke up this morning and decided to take the boys to the zoo! I got home from work this afternoon, walked in flicked the kettle on and the boys came running up talking about a monkey and lion and Mum mentions 'oh I decided to take them to the zoo today'! How lucky are they?! Nanna and the boys exploring the zoo together.

Last night James and I went to J's kinder art show (they do painting on canvases and it is displayed at an art gallery - parents go - drink wine and marvel at all the clever children - and purchase their childrens painting if so desired - of course we bought J's - it was a masterpiece!) and of course I saw some of the people from the committee who I haven't seen for a while, as well as the other kinder mum's and teacher.. and they were all incredibly interested to see how I'm getting on. When asked about my placement, I can't help but gush! And whilst talking about it last night, I gained a bit of insight into why. See sometimes SW is involved in negative situations - eg; drug and alcohol, child protection, loss - grief, homelessness etc. And obviously, this is no different - being that the criteria to enter this ward is severe head injury.... BUT it is so overwhelmingly positive as well.
Here is how it goes;
People have serious accident/fall etc - have severe head injury/trauma etc
They go to acute hospital - and are medically stabalised - come out of coma etc
Once they are medically stable, they are transferred to our ward - but can still be in post traumatic amnesia (PTA) etc.
Once out of PTA, they then meet an incredibly co-ordinated team of specialists including speech pathologists, neuropsychologists, occupational therapists, physiotherapists, rehabilitation registrars and consultants - and they work together exceptionally, as the patient begins to recover from the traumatic brain injury.

It is like being privy to watching a person rebuild themselves and watching the co-ordinated effort of all the experts together is mindblowing. I'm not sure I'm able to convey what I'm trying to say about this place, but truly it is amazing. And I'm working there. Obviously I haven't mentioned what SW role is, but it is also incredibly important - as the SW acts as the front for the team, connecting with the surrounding family and friends, as well as the patient - helping with practical matters, educating about brain injuries, coordinating meetings with the specialists, as well as any supportive counselling requested or needed by any involved. And because they are long term patients, you actually do case management (which is not common in other acute settings, due to the high turnover of patients) I'm learning so much, so much more about the brain than I ever knew. Such a positive place to be working in, how am I going to leave this place in 12 weeks? I'm so, so, SO applying for hospital positions next year. Right now, I'm independently visiting some patients and offering support and assistance, how cool is that?

Oh and yesterday I went for an inservice to hear about a PhD's in neuropsychology discuss her research and I couldn't help myself, I found her later on the ward and gushed to her about her work, it was amazing! She was also incredibly interested in my research and we talked about my findings and the similarities between the hospital settings and the stark differences. I love being surrounded by such intelligence, seriously!

Ironically, I'm off to watch 'America's next top model' right now, hey - I don't want to be TOOO smart eh?

things....

2008-09-17T19:08:00.003+10:00

that I have been enjoying...

hospital smell (weird I know)

running into a most beauutiful woman at Flinders st *mwah* Amoir.

treating myself to a bento box for lunch today

realising that I only have 12.5 weeks to go till I finished.

finding a 5th participant for my research.

Climbing stairs all day long

Having my appearance commented on more than once by other staff (positively I should add).

Being blessed with another fantastic supervisor

transcribing.

patients, families and other staff that I am coming across.

12.5 weeks to go. 12.5 weeks to go.

Talking to my best friend by skyppe and seeing each others faces when she told me she was pregnant!

Managing to wear a wardrobe (with compliments) that almost entirely has come from savers or is second hand.

Being a quick learner and showing my competency enough that people are actually starting to ask my clinical opinion

things that I haven't been enjoying...

waking up.

trying to wish away time spent on a train that is packed quite literally like sardines.

missing the gym..

borderline personality disorder (not me).

arriving home at 7.30 due to above ... and missing seeing my boys awake last night as a result.

finding an email from my supervisor "gently reminding" me that I need to submit a powerpoint presentation for my honours asap.

Looking at my diary and realising that I have to hand in my next draft of my lit review within the next 14 days!!

Finding the time to interview latest participant

Transcribing (double edged sword because takes so much time but is so important!)

Riding on a tram every morning past an abortion clinic and seeing security staff guarding the front gate and seeing between one and five people with their placards waiting to harass women as they are forced to pass them on their way in. Notes - most are old men. Funny that. Note 2 - they have placards of the fetus, depicting it as being individual - with the mother not even represented. One day I'm going to get off that tram and walk past to have a closer look and see what they have to say. It really makes me incensed. What do they expect? Women to go 'oh thank you for helping me see the light?' 'shoving the plastic representation of a fetus has magically made all of the issues that brought me to make this most serious and important decision go away, how can I ever repay you?'. As you can tell, it raises my bp but I look out for it every single day. Just to see if they will be there today. And they are.

Missing my children and husband more than ever.

Saturday...and it is 25 degrees!

2008-09-13T16:34:00.004+10:00

Gosh I love spring. It takes that first sunny and warm day for me to realise just how much I actually like it. And I love what it does to my surroundings. Melbourne just comes alive!

Anyway - 5 days down on the placement - still loving it. We are in discussions about taking on my own case load but until then (possibly in a week) I will be starting to settle in to going into see patients by myself etc. But truly? I seriously love it. And the best bit, I am not snacking because the job has me running around all day. The hospital resembles a rabbit warren and my desk is nowhere near the ward that I work on. So all day, I run up and down the stairs - barely ever sitting down. Thats got to be good for the fat shifting, right? Also, because I am barely ever around - I am not snacking at all. Which means I am have limited my caffeine intake and have zilch chocolate as well!

All this is good and well, because the downside is, I haven't been managing to get to the gym at all during the week, due to my start time (8.30), and I only managed to get there monday and then today this week. Today I did pump and then cycle and while it hurt a little, it was nowhere NEAR as bad as the other week that I blogged about. I feel good, very good - and even better that the weather heated up and I put some summery clothes on and looked decent!

My children also survived the week without me, pfft they don't need me at all. Except Noah suddenly wouldn't poo on the toilet because of big scary spiders (has been toilet trained for months) and my poor mother had to clean 2 pairs of his undies. My mum at 66 ran around town yesterday signing leases, get cheques done, going to Highpoint etc - as her house has been put up for sale and she wanted to get out of there asap, and ended up getting the first house she applied for. It is SO much nicer than the one she is in now, and it is for the same price. A lovely californian bungalow, partially renovated too. Anyway, she did all of that running around with her two granchildren on board. She is an expert, I would have surely crumbled.

Anyway, best get back to transcribing. I have 1 and 1/4 interviews to go. I can hear my children playing joyfully in the sunshine with their wonderful father.. I am very tempted to join them...

xx

It just feels right...

2008-09-10T20:16:00.004+10:00

You know when you have that feeling that you have made the right decision, you don't second guess yourself - but you feel anxious and slightly nervous that you might be mistaken about something important? You dwell on it a little and wonder if the decision you have made, which impacts on your life in a big way, is right?

Well now - up until Monday morning, I felt like that - holding my breath, scared I had made the wrong decision - but I hadn't :) - I exhaled, my shoulders dropped, my anxiety lessened - I suddenly saw a much bigger picture... this might sound trite, but ...

I honestly believe I was born to be a Social worker. This fits me like a glove, I feel so comfortable - so content even on placement. The work is me. The style is me. I like the "profession" feel about it. I've never worked in any profession before and it just feels right. And then I remembered back to last year and I remember feeling even more nervous, but I remember walking in and feeling like I had come home. It is such a strong feeling, perhaps it is so pronounced because I have had so many other jobs where I just did the work, but didn't love it and didn't feel like it had much purpose to it if you know what I mean?

I don't even consider the fact that all this placement is unpaid. I love getting on the train with the thousands of others at 7.30 and watching the world go by on my way to work while I listen to very bad 1980's music.

I'm actually feeling so satisfied with myself, the study is almost over, this is what I have been working towards and this placement feels like a reward to me. I'm excited by the future and I'm even more convinced that I can see myself working in a hospital.

Last essay due tomorrow. Then only 13,000 words to go, and all - ALL will be done*.

Children are coping well with me being away. Truthfully, I don't think they really care. After all, their nanna will be looking after them on the days that they aren't in Kinder/child care and she spoils them very much so, they'll be very happy indeed.

Oh and finally before I go to finish up my last essay - I'm getting so many compliments on my wardrobe...and all of it, even the shoes, have come from savers!

ps - I'm also aware that I am only 3 days in and I could still be in the "honeymoon phase". I doubt it, but I reserve the right to reverse my pledgings of love etc if I need to ;) .

*Can someone please shoot me if I start talking about Masters or higher..my fieldwork supervisor was talking about her masters degree and my thesis supervisor keeps mentioning future research for me....

one day down...

2008-09-09T06:30:00.002+10:00

I have barely any time.. but I thought I would quickly tell you all about my placement.

Amazing, life saving, terrifying, so many acronyms to learn, very respectful multi-disciplinary teamwork, the steepest learning curve that I have ever undertaken, enthusiasm for students (by all of the medical and allied health team), puzzling short-hand in patient files about accident and injuries, patients and their families, cage beds that look quite confronting, coma scales, variations of head injuries, complex psychosocial backgrounds, meetings, meetings, meetings, trying to remember any of the hundred people I met yesterday, working out that the chain of command registrar to consultant.

By 3pm my brain hurt. I was home by 5.40pm and dozing on the couch by 8.30 - nevemind that I have an essay due on wednesday. So verdict after day one? An excellent placement that will be challenging but very supportive.

Saturday...what a beautiful day

2008-09-06T14:17:00.004+10:00

The sun is shining, the birds are singing... I did my 4th interview this morning so I can officially commence my research - WOOHOO! I came home and then went to the gym and worked really hard and now I am sitting here waiting for Rach to pick me up so we can go to my favourite shop, Savers in Foot-es-cray. One day when I have some time, I will photograph all of my dresses that I have managed to buy from there. I'm actually going there today to scout for something for James for fathers day and I'm taking my "fashion forward" friend to help me work out what to get that he might like - champagne looks on a beer budget indeed ;0.

I start my placement on monday ----- eek! Scared shitless I am. Seriously. Practically my first week will be taken up with meetings of all the other allied health staff there etc. A good friend lent me a book called 'Watermelon' by Ruth Ritchie (sorry can't find a link) as it deals with a person who has an ABI and goes into rehab. Very interesting and has given me a taste perhaps of what is to come. To say I am in for a challenge may indeed be an understatement.

One way I can tell I've come out of hibernation, I've shaved my legs - there was only 5 months worth of growth there ;) and I've given up trying to save up for an eyebrow wax and plucked it myself, my eyebrows don't look too bad either!

Ciao - hope the weekend is as shiny as ours will be..

science by a 5 year old.. and other such stories.

2008-09-03T12:05:00.003+10:00

Yesterday while taking a shower with his father, Jude began to discuss how rain is made. J felt quite happy to be the recipient of the conversation and began to plan in his head how he could explain evaporation etc in 5 year old language. But this stopped him in his tracks;

Do you know how rain is made Daddy? Rain comes out of very big dick up in the sky. It comes out yellow and then as it goes through the clouds, the yellow becomes clear. And then it falls as rain.

Oh dear!!

Still on the glorious 5 year old, he had his first integration day at primary school today. So very exciting but another mother leaned over to me and said 'Oh Alexis, you are SO going to be the mother that bawls on the first day', not sure how she came up with that.. it could have been as I fumbled over the school uniform - confused, muddled and not sure what I should put an order in for, or even the size. He is already in size 6 here so do I order a size 8??!! EEEK. Luckily I'm surrounded by parents I know and he was grouped with at least 7 of his friends.

I'm also going to be frank here and admit that I am struggling somewhat with some aspects of parenting such a strong willed five year old. He has taken to being angry and expressing that emotion in ways which are not acceptable. Unfortunately he has been squaring this mostly towards me. Like violent threats that he will hit me and that he hates me. I'm trying to skill up on how best to react to it, because I have been reacting but it's just not working so well. Last night after I put them to bed, I drank 2 glasses of wine in quick succession and cried alone as James was out tutoring. I just felt like a failure as a Mother, but I think the tears were a combination of the earlier car troubles, the fear of placement, the research and the uni work I have to do, money stress - you know all the usual things.. and then on top of it, to find that I seem to be doing a less than stellar job raising my children just made me crumble. I almost want to be out of the house five days a week - but the thought also terrifies me... a bit of a jumble there. He never, ever speaks like that to anybody else - his kinder/childcare etc tell me constantly how beautiful he is - sweet, kind etc.

Anyway.

The bogan mobil saga is still ongoing. It didn't start at all yesterday afternoon and remained parked outside of childcare. My stepfather (who owns the car) came over last night after work and went to have a look. He came back muttering something about head gasket (and I know nothing about cars, but even I understood that to be $$$$$$$), so felt sick with worry about it. James had to tutor so we rang a good friend who lives about 1km away and thankfully she lent us her car. Later when he got home, he and my step-father went back and managed to get it home - apparently blah-blah-blah isn't connected to blah-blah-blah (see told you I have NO idea). James believes he may be able to fix it this afternoon, which would be nice as he has to tutor tonight - this time out in Taylors Lakes.

The same friend who lent us the car chatted with me last night and made a very insightful remark about me. I have been thinking about ever since and I think she is absolutely right - and might be at the crux of what eats me up. We all worry a bit, yeah? We budget, we anticipate etc. Well see now I do that constantly. I catastrophise. I carry everything on my shoulders - and I try to think about every single way a situation could turn out and make a plan for it. For example; the other day my parents were advised that their house is going to be sold (they rent) - I went into overdrive, constantly thinking about what would occur, my brain ticking over about where they would live- worry, worry, worry. Meanwhile; they are not worried. So the car business - it didn't start yesterday morning - I began to worry about our income and started planning about how we could make ends meet and anticipating - perhaps too many steps ahead? I don't know how better to describe it, but all in all it makes me a nervous wreck if too many things pile onto me. Last night I began to have a panic attack; something which I haven't experienced for a year or two. Today I woke up with aching shoulders, neck and headache - the physical reminders of my stress.

wow that was just a purge of my feelings, wasn't it?

Anyway I'll round it up with some good news.. my supervisor wants me to think about sending a summary of my research to all of the SW depts in the hospitals and again brought up the possibility of publishing a paper in a journal, an australian health one to capture all health professionals. eek. Key theme in my research findings thus far... INVISIBILITY, lack of acknowledgement. Invisibility is such an interesting finding because it was a major part of my literature review .. and as a participant so cleverly stated.. 'we're not here for a pap smear you know!'

Off to keep working.. this is my last child free day before my placement starts on monday.
xx

bogan mobil - 1 Alexis - 0

2008-09-02T08:58:00.002+10:00

It was raining this morning, so instead of walking the 500m to Kinder - I got into the car, drive there ..drop off etc etc. It's peak hour there too, cars coming and going and coming and going with a kinder and childcare centre side by side. I walk out - start the car - it starts.. it shudders.. it stops....

It is just cold, I reason.

I turn the key.. it starts..it shudders..it stops.

FUCK. Fuck.FUCK.

I turn the key.. it shudders...it stops.

I'm around the corner from home thank christ, because I have zilcho idea about cars - James is on his way to his work as well as Mum and Mario. All the concerned parents look on and ask me if I want a lift home, and slightly ashamed I admit that I only live around the corner, but I drove because it was raining.. HONEST!

So somehow I have to beg the magic fairies to fix this car before tonight, because James tutors at Point Cook and if he doesn't work, we don't get paid and we need every single cent at the moment.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

C'mon trusty Bogan Mobil - show us what you're made of.

first day of spring...!

2008-09-01T09:49:00.005+10:00

A word of warning.

Never, ever do a pump class after not attending for a few months, believing because you have been weight lifting during that time, that you can continue with the weights that you had lifted some months previously in pump. Because come song number two - the squat track, you will be squatting with 10kgs on your back for 5 and a half minutes non-stop. For the rest of the lesson my legs shook uncontrollably, so much so that I couldn't do dead-lifts etc.

and then...

Do not stumble from that class across the hall to a cycle class - where even the teacher looks amazed as you walk in and asks 'are you trying to kill yourself?' - but in my mind I need to get on that bike to get rid of the lactic acid build-up, surely that will be good right? Woohoo I worked my arse off for 50 minutes...then gingerly walked down the stairs clutching at the railing everytime I had to bend my knees lol.

and then..

Do not go to your reformer pilates and works solidly on your core.

Oh it hurt so good! And it was all fun and games until sunday morning, when I woke up and could barely get out of bed - everytime I got up or sat back down, I had to hold onto something otherwise I would yell out in pain. My quads are killing me.

Did you think I learned anything from that?

This morning (mon) - I hobbled, yes hobbled out of bed, into the car and gingerly walked back up those stairs - clutching the railing all the way to my favourite bike (left in 'my position' - you know you do a lot of spin classes when you have a particular bike and it stays on your setting because you are the only one that sits on it lol) and did it all again at 6am.

ahhh I love exercising. I really do.

p.s - that reminds me... I have to tell you all the most bizarre phone call I had from my mum last week that went..

'Hello Alexis, how are you?'
'Well, having an awful day actually *bursts into tears* - the boys are in a bad mood and we've all been fighting today non-stop'
5 minutes of pat-patting from mum and ssh-sshhing then..
'Oh yes and by the way, I had a facial today from.. a RELATIVE of yours!'
*sound of jaw hitting the floor*
'what the?'
'Oh yes the new beautician at the gym - she is your third cousin - we worked it out while she did my facial. Her great-grandfather is your grandfathers brother..'

My mum hey, the things she finds out. She never fails to amuse me ..

So on saturday -sweaty and hobbling after doing those above mentioned classes - I walked into the beautician and saw her... she said
'oh my god you're so white! You don't look like us at all..'
'no, I don't. But why would I, my father is tongan.. you are Maori'

It turns out she has just moved over from New Zealand and was so excited by the fact that we were related, rang her grandfather at home. Photos are being mailed over from NZ as we speak. See, see nothing bad ever comes from exercising.

Uni stuff - transcribed second interview. Starting to transcribe third interview. Trying to source fourth interview. Freaking out a little bit. Meeting with supervisor tomorrow to pencil in some dates. Last essay ever due in next week. Final placement commences monday.

The weekend thus far..

2008-08-30T13:24:00.003+10:00

Yesterday was a lovely day. The sun was shining brightly in Melbourne, it certainly felt like Spring to me. To start off the day, the boys and I had somersaulting competitions! I haven't done a somersault in years, I'd forgotten about the tickle in my stomach as I go upside down - what fun! We could have stayed doing that for most of the day, but I convinced the boys to leave the house to go to a local park for a play, suggesting that we go to kick a ball. I ended up juggling 3 different balls; AFL, soccer and basketball - but it didn't matter, why? Because the sun was shining, the world is brighter and happier when the sun is shining!

A quick trip home for lunch (pitta pizzas) and then quiet time for the boys - which was interrupted by a knock at the door. A girlfriend stopping by for a cup of tea, which was nice as I was able to have a lovely chat - I spoke quite frankly about my fears about the placement, my research and the final months of extreme financial pressure. She tried to give me money to go and get my haircut (I haven't had a haircut for who knows how long), thankful of the offer I refused. A haircut is not essential I said, but she tried to convince me because she believes it will give me an extra spring in my step - make me lighter. What a beautiful friend, huh? I still said no, because I hate owing anybody money and it would be next year before I was able to repay her. When I owe somebody money, it sits there in the corner of my mind, ever present, until I repay it in full. Anyway after a long chat, giggle and a couple of cups of tea - I sent her off and the boys and I got ready for the next adventure of the day...swimming lessons.

Swimming lessons were fun, but they were tinged with a bit of sadness from me. After next week, my mum will take over swimming lesson duty until December. I love watching them at swimming - they adore their teacher and Noah is getting so confident in the water - he was putting his head under water and Jude had his head underwater blowing bubbles while he was kicking with the kickboard. So clever, so clever. Who knows where they'll be at in December when I resume swimming lesson duty? After arriving home, the day was just so beautiful that I sent the boys outside to play while I opened every window in the house to air it. James came home briefly and then left again to tutor, I think he was very sad to leave us - he misses the boys so much.

When he got back - we decided to try out a local community gathering called 'the fish and chip night' - it is run by a local church, they open up their church hall, playground etc - and invite all local families to come with fish and chips and eat with their children. There is a cost to get in but it is minimal. We walked in and immediately ran into 3 different families that we knew and joined one at their table. The set up is absolutely brilliant - they have two adjoining rooms - one set up with craft, the other set up with movies - there is a playground and all has supervisors. Within the hall itself, there was live music, free cordial for the children and many happy families sharing meals and enjoying the night. We had a ball! So did the boys - Jude knew half of the place and Noah, well Noah doesn't need to know anybody - he just wants to join in with the big boys - at 2.5!! Noah called an end to the night at about 7.30pm by declaring he was tired and wanted to go home - but we have absolutely found a monthly event to attend as a family. Have I told you lately how much I love my community?

Today to atone for my sins, I set off to the gym where I did bodypump followed by cycle. OMG - I hadn't done pump for quite a few months as I had been bored - so I was nervous that it was going to hurt.. and boy did it hurt! Song number 2 is the squat track and I had 10kgs on my shoulders as I squatted for 5 1/2 minutes. By song number 4 my upper thighs were uncontrollably shaking, but I battled through it.. just. One hour of continuous weight lifting later, I stumbled in (legs still shaking) to my cycle class - and worked hard again for another 50 minutes. Man it felt goooooood. I'm back on the endorphin bandwagon.

I'll also be doing as much transcribing as possible today.

See I can do homework on a weekend.

I did take that break..

2008-08-27T09:57:00.003+10:00

And just to let you all know, James had a wonderful day. He was very happy with his teaching and he spoke to his supervisor who told him that it is normal to feel like a fraud for the first two years ROFLOL.

Unfortunately due to that break, I have only managed 12 minutes transcribing lol. But I'm back onto it again.

For Sharon who asked about my criteria it is open to;

Women aged over 18 who attended a Melbourne hospital between July 2006 and December 2007 to seek treatment or advice for a miscarriage in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy.

If you know anybody who may be interested, can you ask them to contact me on my student email which is asmcl1@student.monash.edu .

Thanks.

Gym: - I slept through my alarm clock this morning on purpose. But I will go today in the afternoon, I'm back to enjoying the energy I get from working myself hard. I've managed to reset my body to this weight, but now I just need to get this last 5-10kg off and I will be a happy woman. Until I reach this goal, there is no discussion about ttc baby number 3. Oh on that; I had a dream last night that I birthed another lovely little boy. He was much smaller than the other two and I called him Oliver. aaaah.

Tuesday

2008-08-26T15:35:00.003+10:00

So far today I have;

Completed one hard hour of gym - yes I'm back on the saddle again.

Completed my third interview for my research (I would really love to find 3 more participants though - if anybody knows anybody....;) )

Transcribed a whole 10 minutes of my second interview.

House is a mess and there is crap everywhere. I wish I could walk while I transcribe. Then I could attend to the housework.

James is having a failure crisis. He thinks that he is an absolute teaching failure. He isn't I'm sure. He is lovely and gentle and kind. Children will love him, but he just has so little belief in his abilities. While I should continue with this transcribing until my eyes bleed - I'm going to take a break when he gets home and have a cup of tea and really listen to his day. He taught 3 periods today, so will most likely need the debrief and encouragement.

pictures of sunday...

2008-08-25T11:06:00.006+10:00

Jude
Jude again..
Noah getting ready with his 'b' and Fatima the communal doll from his childcare centre...

Noah mesmerised by the waterfall...
Noah..
Jude, Noah and Fatima

Trying to get the all in one family shot.

Weekends....

2008-08-24T08:07:00.004+10:00

Saturday morning in this house means...

James waking up and rushing off to the markets to get fruit and vegie supplies for the week.

Me heading off to the gym for 1-2 hours (well I didn't do that this week!)

Then this saturday we;

Went to a 5th birthday party at McDonalds (yes, McDonalds!!) where my children inhaled their cheeseburgers in 5 seconds flat. Perhaps we best mention here that the parents did too .

We drove to Western hospital to pick up our beautiful best friend who was there for lectures to prepare for her surgical rounds commencing in a few weeks.

James dropped us off right outside the front door of Savers - where Em and I spent over an hour perusing the many clothes. I walked out with a shirt for James (with even more of a shock that he liked it!!), a shirt for me and a skirt that comes straight out of the 70's.

Obviously as Kmart and Dimmeys are located across the road, we did that too. Laughing and chatting along the way... and ended up at;

A delicious Vietnamese restaurant (hundreds surround us) picked at random. Me kicking myself for earlier partaking in a cheeseburger because all I wanted was delicious steaming hot noodles with crisp asian vegetables. But I was full, so I drank tea while my friend gobbled it all up. We marvelled at our situations; she is in her final year of medicine, me in my final year of social work. Within a few months we are both going to be regarded as professionals. We laughed hysterically at the thought! Isn't it wonderful, 3 of us James, Em and Me - all finishing together and all starting on our next step of our lives together.

A few more laughs in a variety of shops in Footscray, a cuddle and then goodbyes and back 2 stations to my home where my husband was busy cooking dinner for us all.

Dinner, cuddles with children - off to bed they go.

Off to bed I go ah 8.30 on a saturday night - with the Time Travellers Wife which I get proceeded to become engrossed in reading for the next 2 hours. James stays up preparing for his lessons as he starts his 3 week teaching block next week.

Blissful sleep.

Sunday morning in this house means...

Waking up before light and hearing my boys chattering (well actually that occurs most days)

Banana pancakes made by James.. (usually kickstarted by Noah calling out...'I hungry Daddy').

Children running around, arguing, laughing, creating cubby houses...

And today on this sunday?

We're heading out for an adventure. We were going to go to Lake Mountain to have some snow play, but I (mean mummy) called it off because of the expense in hiring the gear and I actually don't like snow all that much. So we decided to go exploring our favourite part of Melbourne; the Dandenongs. Where we can show our children (like we do every time..!) where we got married http://www.poetslane.com.au/ . I imagine one day the children will roll their eyes and go 'yes Mum, we know that is where you got married...', because everytime we go up there - we have to visit Poets Lane and show them, James and I love to drive up through the gates and relive that magical day almost 7 years ago. We will also go to James' favourite spot up there; the arboretum. We are going to take our gum boots and get out to go into the forest and try to find some slugs and worms to show the boys. It is going to be a day for exploring and dreaming...

I anticipate that we'll come home - cold, possibly a bit wet and dirty and hungry.

Dinner, bath and boys into bed.

Me - America's Next Top Model (my secret shame)
James - preparing for his next 3 weeks

God I love weekends in this house.

(Did you notice I failed to mention me doing any Uni work - smack my hand NOW!)

today I...

2008-08-19T18:10:00.002+10:00

Did my second interview and made a time to complete my third interview next week!!

Second interview had different scenarios from the first, but so many similar themes came through. I cannot tell you how amazing it is to sit there and to make connections, especially with my literature review. It's funny (and sad) that the same themes weave their way through peoples lives - the only similarity shared is having a miscarriage.

I then rushed off to uni to go to my honours afternoon, a fortnightly class made up of honours students (all 4 of us ;)) and my supervisor. As part of the afternoon I presented some raw data and the other students had a go at preliminary coding and theming of the data. How lucky am I? I had 4 other intelligent people look over a portion of my data and give me their feedback and I have all of their notes that they made - very lucky indeed.

Now I'm home - I'm tired and I'm looking down the barrel of my next challenge - transcription.

7 days

2008-08-16T08:24:00.002+10:00

Since I have been to the gym. Not too bad you might say... EXCEPT that today I am going to all you can eat YUM CHA!!

My pants are getting tighter just thinking about it. I promise I'll go back to the gym monday morning for cycle.

btw - my position on placement is ABI rehab, very excited.

Have a nice weekend...!

six things...

2008-08-13T10:09:00.002+10:00

Ok - I have been tagged by the beautiful Shel from; http://diaryofawannabehippy.blogspot.com/

Here are the rules ...
1. Link to the person who “tagged” you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know your entry is up.

ok here goes;

1.There is nothing I love more than crusty bread - with grilled processed cheese, spinach leaves and some hot sauce - this is pretty much what I eat every day for lunch.

2.It is a constant battle for me to remain calm. I have an anxious personality and I am always thinking about the dire things that might occur. I fail at this more than I'd like to admit.

3. I wish I had a normal family. I'd like nothing more than to live within the same township - have my family grow up within the extended family unit - but due to some serious personality clashes and deep-seeded anger etc, this will never occur.

4.I'm scared of what is next in my life. It feels like everything has been on hold for the past five years while we studied and now we are at the beginning of the end, I'm scared about what is going to come next.

5.I have very little belief in myself, lack confidence and have a low self-esteem. I find it very difficult to believe people when they tell me positive things about myself and I am quick to dwell on anything negative that is said about me.

6. People never believe my heritage make up. My mother's side has a victorian cross winner, a family of jockeys and are of Scottish and English background. My father's father is Welsh and his mother is Tongan. I met my grandmother for the first time last year in Perth and to date it was probably one of the most moving times in my life. I cried for Australia (as did she and my aunty).

Everybody i know has been tageed, so I will leave it there.

this week.

2008-08-13T09:40:00.002+10:00

I finished the transcribing about 9.30am on sunday morning, so now it is back with the participant for final approval. I have another 5 potential participants (that is, they've asked for further information and I am waiting to hear back to organise interviewing times..) but I am finding it very difficult to wait, wait, wait. I just want to get this part done, especially now since I know just how long it takes to transcribe the actual interview itself. So I sit refreshing my uni email again and again and again. I hear this is the most painful part of the research process, the recruitment. But I also understand that this topic is taboo, it isn't commonly talked about and so I must expect that people might have to think carefully before sharing something so personal with a stranger (and knowing that the information will be used for research).

I went for my placement interview yesterday. Looks like I will be in one of two positions, the first is what I mentioned in my last post and the second will be based in rehab (mostly road trauma). Both positions sound fascinating and I am excited at the prospect of the skills that I will leave with :). I start that placement in 3 weeks, which means I have 17 WEEKS left of my degree :) . I can barely believe it.

I have haven't been very good with the gym lately. I think it is the weather that is making me lazy. I haven't put on any weight, that I can feel - but I so need to shift these last ten kilos. I think once the weather heats up a little, I will get back into it. For now I just want to concentrate on being with my kids and J when they are home.

I'll be off then and do the six things that Shel tagged me for a few entries ago...

Transcribing

2008-08-07T07:01:00.003+10:00

I have completed my first interview. I cannot tell you how much of a privilege it is to listen to something so personal, with someone opening up in front of you, a virtual stranger. I cannot explain to everyone just how excited I am about this research now - I just need a couple more participants and I will be on my way.

Now onto the transcribing. Yesterday I sat at my pc and transcribed for the most part of the day. So far I have only transcribed 30 minutes!! There is about an hour to go - omg I didn't really anticipate how much the transcribing would take me, its all good though. Apart from cringing when listening to my own voice, I am immersing myself in the data and already starting to analyse and make connections to my literature review.

Things I have learnt;

How much I love interviewing people - it really is an honour to be allowed to listen in to somebodies story.

How much I love the mechanics of research - organising an interview room, dealing with varied people, working out how to get somewhere I have never been before, the interview itself. I really like the contact with people.

My placement

I have been given confirmation about my placement. It is going to be at the private hospital I mentioned before and I will be working in the acute health section of social work. At this hospital it is cancer and neurology. God, I hope I can do this - I hope it isn't too challenging for me...! My supervisor I spoke to sounds really lovely, so fingers crossed all goes well. I'm starting the 8th of September.

Best be off, I have less than an hour to transcribe more before J leaves for the day.

the weekend...

2008-08-03T20:08:00.004+10:00

no gym. dress up in my new favourite 'Savers' outfit, step out the door with J and head into the city to attend a good friends 30th - to a bar with a tab - whereupon I manage to do a number of things;

A woman I had just met was passing me a glass so we could have champagne and something funky happened which resulted in two smashed glasses all over our hands. This was within 10 minutes of arriving. Hmm.

These funky Melbourne bars have all manners of little side-slung rooms/alleyways and rickety stairs leading up to the roof for the smokers (excellent view to right in the CBD) - I go up there to chat to some friends, take a toilet break and manage to slide/fall down a few stairs. In my own mind, I reacted silently - fell heavily but continued on my merry way to use the toilet. But in actual fact I apparently fell and loudly said 'oh FUCK!' . I stepped back upstairs and everyone not only heard me swear loudly, they heard me fall heavily. And I was not allowed to forget about it for the rest of the night.

There is quite possibly going to be a number of photos on facebook appearing of me showing a bit of leg because one of the photographers was fascinated by my fishnets.

I love my friends. Last night I was surrounded by so many of our friends. People we don't see nearly enough of - it was so nice to just be with them. The person whose birthday it was, had an integral part in the meeting of J and I. I met him at her 21st - and last night was her 30th.

I love vodka, lime and soda. I will never, ever tire of this drink.

I can stay out until 2.30am (and I could have stayed even longer - but the thought of sunday morning sent me scurrying for a taxi).

Taxi rides are almost invariably funny for whatever reason. Last night we had "Mr Angry", who steadfastly remained angry the entire trip home, even though J was making polite conversation. He played music very loudly and it was a very scary ride home.

Sunday morning - I managed to sleep in to 8am - woke up and first thought was ...

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I dragged my sorry arse out of bed, met J who was making pancakes with maple syrup for the boys. He motioned to Nurofen extra, clicked the kettle on and proceeded to make me a coffee as I contemplated how on earth we were going to cope with attending a birthday party. But we survived. However, halfway through the party - my injured leg from my stair incident the night before is throbbing and getting up quickly at the party results in another whacking great bruise, but this time on the ankle. Oh yeah, I'm all class

So as I contemplate my ruined food intake (and lets not even get into the alcohol intake!) for the weekend and wonder when oh when I will lose this final - I also have another week ahead of me. My first interview. My first interview is this week!!!

Anyway, best be off to bed. Cycle is on at 6am tomorrow. I need to get back onto the horse and get this weight loss started.

Last week

2008-07-28T09:44:00.004+10:00

Well the weeks just keep on rolling by don't they? When you are busy like us, they just seem to go so quickly! All of a sudden it is the weekend again. blink, then it is monday. Our family is doing this special little hibernation thing on the weekend where we just huddle together at home with some movies and veg out. I think this might be a reaction to our busy, busy weekday activities. Jude and Noah just want to hang out with their father, play silly games - giggle and cuddle up. Motherguilt creeps in right about there. Even though I can see that they are having fun, enjoying just being with us - I still feel guilt, that we should be doing 'more' to entertain them.

Ahh - good old motherguilt. I have had this affliction since approximately May 13th, 2003. I think it is worse because I study, because I constantly feel guilty about everything;
- not enough money.
- putting them in childcare just so I can study
- trying to work on the computer when they need me.
- not enough money.
- James and I being strung right out because of the stress of money, study and children rolled together.

Which brings me to another personal topic. The final point is something that happens a little too often in our house. We have a lot on our plates (study wise), I mean who else out there has BOTH parents studying full time? I have the added pressure of the thesis and placement juggle, whilst James is doing this accelerated course which requires him away from home 5 full days a week and forces him to work 4 nights a week to provide income so we can survive. So that is what we start with, stressed yourself yet? Then add financial juggling - we have enough to pay our bills and that is it. James seems to cope ok with that, but I just about have palpitations just thinking about how soon we could go to the wall if an emergency comes up. I'm constantly worried about our housing situation - probably too anxious if you asked him, because if we had to move in the next six months in this climate, I'm not sure where we would end up. I worry and track and budget a lot. I am the financial person in the house. So I bring all of this anxiety with me to the table.

But where are the children you ask? Oh they are there. This is just the thought process that carries me through the day. So we have all this rumbling anxiety, nausea inducing fear, stress, expectations as well as the massive workload that we face. And then we have the children. I don't want them to see all these negative feelings, so I try with all my might to become a stepford wife; calm, rational, understanding, jolly and serene. This facade cracks more than I'd like it to, however. I feel like my children deserve more than this.

Oh yes, so where was I? I was leading this up to something, yes thats right -the effects upon my marriage. For five years we have been living like this, me in a constant state of alertness - my partner guilty about every cent he doesn't have, sewing up holes in his jeans for the twentieth time, while also trying to keep his high grades so he can access scholarships, courses and the best jobs. Being a magnificent father - coming home after being at uni, teaching and tutoring and washing the dishes, cooking dinner or whatever else he can see needs doing. He is fabulous. But the pressure swirling inside of me needs release and invariably for some perceived slight I will snap at him, because it is better to let him have it, rather than anyone else right? For a great portion of the time he is undeserving of criticism. Undeserving of mistreatment by me. But I snap and snarl about the most mundane and ridiculous things. And then the guilt sets in. Can you tell I was raised catholic? I have a very good serving of the catholic guilt entrenched in me.

But he forgives me. He understands. I try to ignore his hurt face because to recognise this, would threaten guilt to overpower me. He has it hard, just as hard as me - we are together in this, he is not my enemy. I must remember this - but I always forget.

So all of this very honest talk here, leads me to the little 'pop' of a thought that entered my head last week which I did not invite. A scary thought that took me into the future - where as a consequence of the stress and pressure that we have been under - the fallout of finishing, created an avalanche of issues which culminated in a marriage breakup. Just writing this makes tears well up, because I love this man to death. But, I don't think I show it enough and that glimpse scared the life out of me.

So please August, September, October, November and December - hurry up - come quickly, do your thing and get the hell out of here. I'm tired and weary and I'm scared because I don't want that thought to become a reality. I need money to feel safe. I need security. I'm scared that our marriage will suffer from General adaptation syndrome (people with psych background will understand what I am talking about...) when the pressure drops a little next year.

And I hope anyone reading this, didn't expect to come here to be brightened up today - I so needed to get that off my chest.

I'm not nervous..

2008-07-23T08:32:00.002+10:00

No, not at all *clutching stomach in fear*.

I need participants, and at this point I have none! My supervisor has full faith that I will find participants, but I am not so sure. Melbourne women, where are you?

My placement is pretty much set in stone to be at a private hospital. I really wanted women's but there is nothing I can do about it. I have to look at the bright side - I (hopefully) will learn plenty just being within a hospital, and it gives me great experience for when I go to apply for jobs in the next six months!

James has started back at uni - so we are back to him being largely at uni/work - 5 days per week. He also starts today at his school placement, so I am looking forward to hearing all about it - considering he has been placed at one of the top schools in the state.

I'll come back and talk about the boys in a little while. xx

breathe in..breathe out

2008-07-15T17:53:00.002+10:00

oh dear. I'm scared. Officially terrified.

The ball has started to roll with the research. I expect my recruitment advertising to begin very soon. s.h.i.t.

Fingers crossed I get enough participants, fingers crossed I don't get too many! eek. eek. eek.

14th July.

2008-07-14T12:19:00.002+10:00

Day one of my final semester......! wooohoooooooooooooo!

Best do some work, lol.

only in Darwin...

2008-07-11T08:57:00.002+10:00

http://www.ntnews.com.au/article/2008/07/11/4639_ntnews.html

When I read stuff like this, I actually miss the place lol.

Like sand through the long-grass ...
ALYSSA BETTS
July 11th, 2008

A TERRITORY man has bought new meaning to the phrase daytime telly. It was a great day to enjoy the sun yesterday and enterprising local Robert Ahwong, 64, has been making the most of it in the middle of Palmerston's Goyder Square.Mr Ahwong has been keeping shoppers and office workers agog in the past couple of days by plugging his television into a power outlet on a street lamp -- right in the middle of the busy precinct."I've got the best lounge room in the world,'' he said.The long-grasser had found himself in a spot of difficulty earlier this week when the generator for his TV broke.No worries mate.He popped his 74cm screen, video player and extension cord into his Coles shopping trolley, chucked in a couple of videos -- Men in Black and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets -- and wheeled down to the square."I bring my little TV down and sit down and have a little sleep,'' he said.The Borroloola man was yesterday settling back watching a re-run of SeaChange, starring David Wenham and Sigrid Thornton, with 28-year-old nephew Ian Byres, fromDaly River. The girls from the Elders real estate office just next door took a shine to their mobile couch potato andran over a bag of hotbuttered popcorn.Property consultant Trish McClelland said the looks of passing pedestrians was a "hoot''."Some joined in and watched telly with him -- some of the kids -- he'd have a chat and a natter with them,'' she said."It was quite nice to watch, and no one was going to move him because he wasn't upsetting anyone."It is just so uncanny -- it can only happen up here.''

woohooo..!

2008-07-11T08:16:00.003+10:00

Dear Researchers,This is to advise that the Standing Committee on Ethics in
Research involving Humans (SCERH) has approved the above project. Please find
attached your approval letter for this study and ensure you comply with the
Terms of Approval outlined in the letter.

wooohooo! And so now onto the research, scary, scary stuff!

I also got my marks today - I've dropped a bit in average - but I guess that has to do with the extra pressures of the honours component (which is was graded as PGO anyway!!) - anyway I got a credit for community work (68 - not all that happy with it - but it is due to only getting a credit for my essay worth 80 per cent) and distinction for cross cultural sw (76). Unfortunately this might bring my average down which could affect my honours mark. I had been sitting on a 79 average. Oh well, this thesis better kick arse.

Our heater isn't working here atm. My god, it is so freezing - we are waiting for the clock to tick 9am before we ring our real estate agents, why do things always break down when you most need them? Dead of winter - ducted heating decides to fail.

a day in the lives...

2008-07-09T17:49:00.002+10:00

of a student couple sharing their last child-free day together for six months.

9am - take children to day care.

9.30 - go back to bed.

12.30 - make pizza, and read, read, read trashy novels (me) and serious academic/religious texts (him)

2.30 - drive to Footscray - go to the library and slowly peruse the collection - come away laden with books, cds and dvds

3.30 - go to savers just for a look-see - and see that it is buy 3 pairs of paints for $10!! Buy them and another 2 dresses as well ( all up $27)

4.30 - pick up children - make cup of tea and watch husband cook dinner - open mail to find a Distinction for that awful role play that I mentioned in a previous post....

A luxuriously lazy day. I love holidays. I love holidays. I love holidays.

p.s - I have also been neglecting the gym again this week. What is with me? Am I being self destructive on purpose??

dreaming

2008-07-08T09:10:00.003+10:00

Let me just start off by saying that I don't actually have memorable dreams much. I've had a handful of recurring dreams, especially when I was younger - but maybe once every couple of months I will wake up and remember a dream from the night before. Generally they are sad and I wake myself crying.

But not last night. Last night I had a beautiful, beautiful dream. I was pregnant - nobody was around and I remember feeling a pressure, uncomfortable and that labour might be soon. I stood up and walked outside and felt immense pressure - pressure like the baby was starting to descend into the birth canal. I sat down, leaning back upon my feet and looked down and saw that my baby was about to crown so I put my hands down and helped to guide the babies head out. The babies eyes were wide open facing me and its neck was flexed trying to see what was going on. It was very quickly born and I looked down and saw it was a little girl. My heart lept with joy. I stood up carefully, aware of the unbilical cord and waddled off to get some assistance with the placenta. But there was nobody around, I felt crampy and knew the placenta was coming so put my baby girl to my breast to help it along.

I woke and told James about this very vivid dream. He was disappointed that he didn't feature and was very interested in the finer details of what she looked like (she was big and had no hair!! - but had the same massive eyes as her brothers). Then he told me about his dream of the night - in which I admitted to him that I would most likely cheat on him! Just a dream James, just a dream!

In other news, our house is pretty sick at the moment. I've woken up with a very sore throat, so looks like I'm next dammit! James and I are enjoying our last week of holidays together - he has been asked to work for one week at the old school he was employed at last year. So the poor thing will be losing on of his uni holiday weeks. He will using the weeks employment to network and find out about the possiblity of securing a graduate position there for next year. Also in other news regarding James... he has been advised of next semesters placement. He has been placed in one of the top state schools in Victoria! I wonder how different it will be to where he was placed during the first six months of the year (a school in a very low socio-economic area).

Also as you can see from my previous entry - placement selection is also upon me. Negotiations are still taking place for my much wanted placement at RWH - but I have to face facts that I am not likely to get it. I have decided though that above all, I want to be placed at a hospital. So I'm also looking at a Cancer hospital, neuropsychiatry and a private hospital. I want the hospital experience above all. Applications are due next week and by the end of this month, I will know where I am going. Very, very exciting!

placements...

2008-07-07T10:30:00.002+10:00

I've just received an excel spreadsheet detailing all the possible offers for my final placement this year. Is it terrible to admit that none of them really interest me?

I want the RWH. I want the RWH. Why does it have to be a Melbourne uni hospital?

if you can't tell...

2008-07-01T08:55:00.003+10:00

I'm on holidays - 3 posts in 24 hours lol.

I just wanted to quickly add that I have my first comments back from my supervisor and this is what she had to say;

Hi, I have just had a quick scan of this (I find it much easier to mark in
hard copy - allows the reader to get a sense of the whole document). But my
initial thoughts are that it is an excellent beginning - more than a draft! You
will need to work out summarising some of your ideas and perhaps the discussion
of invisibility might be better placed in the introduction.

I'm pretty chuffed - it means I can relax that little bit more. The end is in sight, the end is in sight.

This photo

2008-07-01T08:43:00.003+10:00

Does any one photo make you ache for another baby? I'm going to add in two of Noah that just make me want another... I dare you not to have the same feeling.

and just in the spirit of fairness - here are some of Jude that also make my heart sing.

I'm so NOT done yet.

op-shop roundup

2008-06-30T22:01:00.007+10:00

Here are the pictures of some of the more recent clothes I have found from my most favourite op-shop - http://www.savers.com.au/

The first outfit I bought last year actually - it has been one of the best bargains I have ever achieved there. I bought it for $4

The next outfit I bought this year and spoke about earlier in my blog - my handy friend unpicked the unsightly front part of it - I love the colour. Agai5n another steal at around $5

The next are some pants I managed to pick up on saturday - they looked almost brand new, sportsgirl brand - $4

Lastly this beautiful dress that I bought on saturday for $5.99 - I love, love, love it.

Lastly I thought I would add in a picture of my sleeping children, all 3 of them. As you can see our cat Bastian sleeps with the boys (who are demanding to sleep together atm) so it can get squeezy in there.

Noah is toilet training - for the last 3 days he has been doing all of his toileting on a potty, with no accidents whatsoever, he wants no help - he needs no reminding, just off he goes. Today he went to Childcare and only had one accident , my little one is growing up.

bugger, bum. Pictures aren't working, will upload later.

40 things before I'm 40

2008-06-30T21:26:00.002+10:00

I wrote this list about a year ago when aged 30 and I thought I would add it here.

Graduate from university
Find fufilling employment
buy a house
Have my mother and stepfather live with us on the property
have another child (and have me a homebirth)
Be 65kg
Be 61kg
Travel to Canada to see my SIL, BIL and my little niece
Travel to England to see my Dad and travel to Slovenia to meet my stepfathers family (as well as the obligatory trips throughout Europe
Travel to Japan
Travel to Hong Kong
Live in another state
Live in another country
Go on a romantic catch up holiday with James and James alone
Learn how to ride a horse
Overcome my fears
Go on a holiday with my mum
Bush camp
Learn how to sew
Enjoy a weekend away with my best friend
Watch someone birth a baby
Take my children overseas
Ride a motorbike
Run 5kms
Upgrade from the bogon mobil
Buy a new bicycle
Own a new couch
Not be reliant on Centrelink
Have a 'no holds barred' shopping trip
Learn about interior decorating
Learn about the stockmarket and trading
Learn how to successfuly garden
Attempt to become self sufficient
Learn to love and appreciate myself
Attempt a second language
Holiday on a houseboat
Tattoo my body again
Face a great fear (like skydiving - I hate flying and heights)
Enjoy my 10 year wedding anniversary
Enjoy my 15 year wedding anniversary

I'll be back with my latest update from Savers, when I can get the stoopid camera to work.

Just a short note..

2008-06-27T13:25:00.002+10:00

To say I've finished my lit review (finally! I know I've been whinging about it for ages) and it has given me a push to start talking about something that is continuing to interest me the intersection between abortion and miscarriage. I have just finished combing through a number of critical texts devoted to women's health and do you think I could find much information about miscarriage? Pages (and sometimes chapters) devoted to the analysis of abortion politics/medicalisation of pregnancy/use of ultrasound to hide the mother in abortion politics etc, but nothing more than cursory mentions about "spontaneous abortions".

One position put forward by Linda Layne in an article she wrote in "Feminist studies" in 2006 was due to the difficulty of the fight to give women access to safe and legal abortions, a side effect has been;

[that]..it has been difficult to acknowledge that many women experience a pregnancy loss as the loss of a "baby" without apparently concurring with anti-abortion advoctates regarding the status of embryos and fetuses. This puts feminists in a bind, and as a consequence, feminists have been inclined to ignore the issues.

Reading that gave me my 'ah-ha' moment. I couldn't understand as I read through my pile of books just why, when contraception, assisted conception, childbirth and especially abortion had whole essays dedicated to them - why miscarriage remained still hidden. And this is indicative of the wider invisibility by society and how they process about what makes a baby, when a baby is alive. And I am not immune from that. I am a very avid supporter of Australia providing access to safe and legal abortions, so perhaps this is why it struck such a chord with me - I am being challenged, by this research to critically analyse my own position.

Whats clear from the research about miscarriage, is that ambiguity and inconsistency revolve around what it is, how to define and what even to call it. Medically it is described as 'abortions' when clearly that terminology for women could be offensive to say the least. One piece of medical writing suggested that the term 'miscarriage' be replaced by 'early pregnancy FAILURE', (Bourne & Condous, 2006 - Handbook of early pregnancy care) handbook of early pregnancy care, yeah nice sensitive suggestion there - how is that terminology more useful? So, now I'm ready. I'm ready to find out from the women themselves, this is going to be very interesting.

Anyway - off again - Jude invited one of his most favourite people over tonight - Em and she wants us to go out, just James and I, for a catch up. So I need to rest (I was up till 3.30AM this morning writing furiously) and I am actually also heartily SICK of looking at the computer.

I'll chat again soon. I hope my discussion of this topic has not caused any hurt or pain to any of the readers here. I know the subject matter can be distressing, so I try not to talk about it too much - but I really did want to share that as I think it is vital to the understanding of where my research wants to go.

Take care xx

p.s - Sue - no hard feelings, thanks for apologising (I had no idea you read this blog lol) - I'm sorry too.

9 days...

2008-06-25T16:38:00.002+10:00

Since I have been to the gym. I'm flabbing up, I can just feel it.

the journey

2008-06-24T16:39:00.004+10:00

I just found my first grey hair about 10 minutes ago. It all began innocently enough while I took a quick toilet break from my uni work, as I was washing my hands I looked up at myself in the mirror and caught sight of something, distinctly different from the background of my dark brown hair. Could it be? I grabbed it and held it up for confirmation. Yes! A long silver, thick hair strand.

Confirmation that I am growing older. Has anyone else found their first grey hair yet? What ages were you? I'm 31.5 - James is almost all grey, but I have had none, until today that is.

my other love...

2008-06-24T10:12:00.006+10:00

Savers.
I've mentioned this store before, but I just have to mention it again. Last week after after my physio appt I decided to swing by Savers for a quick look see. I bought a beautiful white dress, it was quite expensive by Savers standards - $17 but it is brand new. I ended up wearing it to the trivia night that I mentioned in the post below with brown chunky belt and boots. I think I looked like a legend, but I always feel good wearing boots - there is something about the noise that they make. Now the reality of what I looked like could be totally different LOL!

I wasn't a 100 per cent sure about what it really looked like, but took it home and James went ga-ga over it. I love Savers, seriously - there is a lot of dusty tragic stuff, but dig deep enough and treasure you will find. More than half of my wardrobe is from Savers and it gives me the opportunity to feel like I don't have to wear the same clothes for years on end, especially as I have lost weight and all of my old clothes no longer fit. Next year when I have more money, I still think I will be amongst them all at Savers on a saturday morning.

Yes, I'm still writing my literature review (I swear I would make a great PhD student!!) but I hope to have it finished today and then I can spend more than 5 minutes here writing lol. Hey, you try and meld miscarriage from a nursing/medical/sociological/psychological point of view, then throw Social Work into the mix - it is BLOODY difficult!

thoughts about post december

2008-06-16T22:10:00.002+10:00

I've been toying about going to work for DHS next year (child protection). I've been considering that it may be good grounding for me as a practitioner and I am both attracted and repulsed by the thought of working there. Strange huh?

Well today we had a 4 hour lecture about child abuse. I felt physically sick and am now re-evaluating my previous position. The worst part is, tomorrow I have to hear more.

I don't want to :( .

Saturday night we had our trivia night and I had a little bit too much to drink. That always happens when I am around people that I like, and our table was in hysterics for most of the night. ESPECIALLY when the guy sitting next to me remembered the acronym to KIT (and he was the only person in the whole place who knew what it stood for)! Bravo Dan!! We kicked on from the trivia night (that just sounds WRONG) to a local wine bar in the village and stayed on there until they kicked us out. We stumbled in the door at 2am. Luckily for me I'm married to the worlds most considerate man and when I woke up on sunday morning, dishevelled - smudged mascara et al, he presented me with panadol, water and banana pancakes smothered in maple syrup. (I did really want McDonalds though but whats a girl to do).

I then had to pay more penance by going to a 5 yo party, upside was I got to eat junky party food and drink soft drink. Aah. To counteract that, this morning I was up at 6am to do my cycle class, before attending caulfield to learn about

genericism (gripping) and then the lecture on child abuse. Luckily there were no slides involved like my other less fortunate friends have had to experience, but the descriptions were enough.

Anyway, I've been out all night at my committee meeting, so I'm off to bed, ni-night.

am here...

2008-06-13T19:59:00.002+10:00

Just insanely busy.

Presentation done today - ok, but yes I jibbered on a bit and was a sweaty woman at the end of it. I was told I was incredibly passionate about the topic. I've realised just why I am feeling so nervous about this research. I'm scared I'm not going to do it the justice it deserves.

I will come in later and offer something more substantial, but I have a killer week coming up.

1 party saturday
1 trivia night saturday night for Kinder
1 party sunday
Uni monday - presentations skills etc
chairing kinder committee meeting on monday night
Uni tuesday
supervision meeting tuesday
uni wednesday
uni thursday
uni friday
lit review due.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. 6 months to go. 6 months to go.

Tonight I just want to flop on the couch and talk to my beautiful husband.

Could this be the answer I am looking for?

2008-06-04T19:54:00.002+10:00

70 per cent dark chocolate! I swear one teeny tiny square is all it is taking for me to get my hit. I literally cannot eat anymore than one piece. I think I may have found my saviour!

Is there anything..[and a quick update]

2008-06-03T20:36:00.005+10:00

..more cringe worthy than being forced to record a 10 minute interview which you must review over and over again in order to write a 1000 word critical analysis? And then the final kick in the bum? Sending said DVD with your analysis to your Lecturer so they can watch it too! Horrors of horrors!

Awwwwwful, I can't bear to watch myself. I hate being watched. I find it almost vomit worthy actually. I'm actually wondering whether this is a serious defect within myself. I think it is linked to my confidence or lack thereof, but also the contrived falseness of the situation. What I record and what the lecturers see is NOT what I am like when I am with a client. I know this is a very important thing to do in my profession; observation and critical reflection, but really I'm not sure I will ever be able to be comfortable.

Oh anyway, it was only worth 20 per cent! Anyway onto brighter news. I've finished work for this semester! I still have to continue working however, but this time it is all on my honours from now on. Next week I have to present an hour long lecture to interested parties about what I have done up to now... picture this...'blah blah blah,... nothing nothing nothing' repeat for ONE whole hour, which includes opening up the floor to questioning! Um should I mention my lack of confidence in the paragraph above here. I can talk underwater, and up there I will, but with great big sweat rings appearing in the underarm area and a lot of rabbiting along about nothing - anxious chatter if you will. Then as soon as I've finished I'll sit down and the negative self talk will begin 'that was crap. People are going to know that you are a faker.' and then later on that night in bed I will still be concentrating on something that I said (or didn't whichever the case may be). Can you tell I'm looking forward to this? I'm guessing from reading this back I might need to work on the confidence thing.

Family news - James got an incredibly favourable teaching review back, saying that his calm and soothing style had engaged the children well. Above all he was a kick-arse teacher* Jude is a social butterfly, he had us dragged around to 2 parties over the weekend, there is one this friday and today there were another two invites in his pigeon hole at Kinder. Sheesh kid, not so popular alright, we can't afford all of these presents! Noah-Boah is recovering from some hideous cold which turned secondary and for his illustrous efforts in being unwell, was rewarded with his first prescription of antibiotics. Poor little Boah.

House news - we had the inspection, was told to expect up to a $20 per week rental increase (going up to market rate would have seen this place going up by about $100 a week, and $20 is stretching it a bit for us). We nervously awaited to hear from the real estate about whether we would be offered a new lease...and today we DID! WOOHOOO! One less stress to worry about, we are so chuffed because we adore this area and would be devestated if we had to move. And we only have 4 months of paying higher rent before we graduate and earn income!!

Bogan mobil news - yesterday the brakes failed, yes they bloody well failed! Luckily James was only reversing the car from our house, so there were no children in the car and he was able to safely bring it to a stop. C'mon bogin mobil, get us over the line! Remind me to upload some photos of the state that our bogin mobil is in and see why Jude complains about the stinky old car that he is forced to be a passenger in! Well Jude back in the good old days when you were a baby, we didn't even HAVE a car. In fact we brought you home from hospital by catching a TRAM! HA!

Gymming news - not getting there as much as I would like, but still managing to reduce. I have no idea why. I am still eating chocolate but my new tactic is to eat only dark chocolate as I eat less. Tonight I had some 70 per cent stuff and I only managed to consume a tiny square! This might be the new trick.

Wow, big update and lots of news there. Best be off, I'm doing *stuff* with photos.

* may not have said this in so many words, but the intent was there I'm sure ;) .

Ethics committee response

2008-05-27T13:06:00.003+10:00

Social Work Faculty of Med Nursing & Health Sciences Caulfield 26 May 2008
Miscarriage: Women's experiences of treatment in a
hospital setting
Dear Researchers,
I am writing to let you know that the
SCERH considered
your application at meeting. To enable the Committee to
satisfy itself that the research conforms to the National Statement on Ethical
Conduct of Research Involving Humans, the following issues and questions need
further clarification:
1. With regard to your responses to Q6.4, Q6.5 and Q6.6,
please explain why there is a small chance that you may be required to break
confidentiality if there is disclosure by the patient of a certain nature. It is
not clear how, or why, such information is likely to be proffered in the context
of this research – please describe.
2. Please note that letters of permission
from relevant organisations must be forwarded to SCERH before research commences
at that organisation. Please confirm that these will be sent.
3. Please delete
the words “I’ve moved up in the world” from your Explanatory Statement. Also,
please enlarge on the type of information “not directly related to the research”
that you allude to in the Explanatory Statement. Please forward the amended
Explanatory Statement to SCERH for approval.

This is the email I got today. Apparently this is a fantastic response as the things I need to change are only very minor. I would like to however, draw your attention to no.3 and the sentence "please delete the words "I've moved up on the world" from your Explanatory Statement". That had my scratching my head!! So I got out the explanatory statement and found this...

My name is A and I am conducting a research project under the supervision of C
F, a Lecturer (I’ve moved up in the world!) in the Department of Social Work
towards a BA/BSW(Honours) at...

Originally I had her as tutor - and she has come in and corrected it herself - and both she and I missed that!! I couldn't stop laughing when I realised that I had sent a 50 page application - all very carefully worded and triple checked and left a great big glaring mistake like that, especially something so hilarious as well! How funny, I bet the ethics committee got a real laugh out of it too! Anyway, back off to put finishing touches on essay. Looks like within the next month I'll be starting my recruitment process. Very exciting!

My baby lost a tooth!

2008-05-26T18:12:00.002+10:00

Jude - aged 5 years and 1 week today lost his first tooth!

I only saw it as he was talking to me. He is nervous about it - but so far I have got out that he did it whilst he was eating an apple at Kinder and 'it just disappeared'.

I'm not ready for this!

a quick excited entry

2008-05-25T11:16:00.002+10:00

I just put my 'buying a house with a granny-flat for my parents' to my Mother and not only does she agree with it, she thinks it is a fantastic idea. They will put some money towards the deposit (20k for instance) to enable us to get into the property market quicker and they will live with us in a granny flat. We have no ties, no restrictions on where to live - maybe out of Melbourne, maybe stay where we are, maybe Northern NSW! How EXCITING!!!!

What does Alanis Morrisette sing?

2008-05-25T10:41:00.003+10:00

Most important two weeks of this semester. Last monday woke up and couldn't move my neck. Today I have woken up and feel zombified thanks to my precious Noah passing on some illness to me. Could anymore barriers be placed in front of my finishing this 3500 word essay worth 80 per cent? (I'll come and talk about it later). My family have gone out today, so I can concentrate on writing my essay but I just feel like crawling back into my cave.

Just had to add this in. Jude has a hi-low bed from Ikea and for the last year it has been up high, but we keep on catching Noah climbing, jumping and it was only a matter of time before we would find him crumpled on the floor after falling from it. So last night we turned the bed upside down and made it a low bed. Jude immediately asked if he could have a sleepover with Noah and James and I grimaced thinking about the night of no sleep ahead, but we begrudgingly said yes. Well...
they slept together all night without so much as a giggle or peep (oh except when Noah fell out but we had provided a cot mattress for him to soften the landing anyway!). Noah and his first night out of a cot, they looked so damn cute cuddled up together. We think we might let them sleep together for a little while, until we can afford to buy a bed for Noah. Ahh they may be forced to be brothers but they are truely best friends.

Note to self- current real estate interest... Wallan.

A look at the secret life of us...

2008-05-20T13:17:00.002+10:00

click, click, click, tap, tap, tap . Flip, flip, flip... click, tap, tap, tap, tap . tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap etc

This is not some complicated dance move, or mating dance.

This is the sounds that eminate from the kitchen (where James is) and the study (where I am), while we struggle to finish our essays. James has to finish four essays by friday and I have two. We break to make cups of tea or have lunch and then we are straight back onto it.

I could think of many things I would rather be doing when our children are in childcare and it is just us at home, like talk for instance. But oh well, 6 months to go.

The cake!

2008-05-18T14:30:00.005+10:00

Well here is the cake!

Unfortunately I didn't get any photos of the cupcakes, I forgot but they were a an absolute hit. I made it from an egg-free chocolate fudge recipe - iced it with pink and blue icing and using kool mints and snakes made it into an alien looking creature, then wrapped it in cellophane tied it with ribbon and a thank you card and there you have lolly bags! The cake suffered from a bit of damage due to the drive from our house to the party (leaning tower of Pisa was one description lol), but it got gasps of pleasure from the children and apparently tasted beautiful given the number of parents who came back for seconds.

The weather was shite though, absolutely shite. Apparently the coldest day in Melbourne for 30 years. But that was ok because we were in the warmth of a brand new community centre. All 30 of us. We played no games, a generous friend happily painted children's faces and they ate healthy (well mostly healthy) food. I didn't see Noah for two hours and although it got off to a shaky start (due to us arriving at said community centre late - after a couple of parents had already arrived!!! Luckily Rach was there to meet the families)!

See the alien in the picture above? James created that from playdoh and put it in the oven to cook with the cakes - for a figurine - it looked marvellous, but children kept trying to eat it! LOL. I thought I would add in a picture of Jude - face painted having a great old time. I will admit though, I started thinking about vodka from about 1.45pm. I finally got a glass of wine at about 6pm and was in bed by 8.30pm .

My MIL is here so I best go. Just wanted to report back in on the success of the 5th birthday party. Thank God there are no more parties till December ;)!

The "science" of weight loss

2008-05-16T07:28:00.003+10:00

I have really been slacking off in the gym - and food department lately, most likely due to the pointy end of semester.

So this morning before spin I decided to hop on the scales. I expected to find that I had put on a kg or three, but I am still losing? WT?

Speaking of fatty goodness today I have to go shopping for my son's birthday party tomorrow. He is having no less than 17 of his friends (not including siblings) at his party tomorrow and he has asked to have the 'fairy castle' from the Womens Weekly cook book as his cake. My ingredients for the cake look something like this;

1kg butter
2 packets of marshmallows
400g jam rollettes
4 curly wurlies
3 packets of jelly

I am a notorious over caterer, so this year I have tried to limit the food to;

muesli bars (which I have already made)
vegie crudite's and chickpea dip
warm little pizza bits (James' speciality)
fruit platter with strawberry yoghurt dip
cheese and bacon balls (hey, I have to include them - James and I LOVE them)
fairy bread
lemonade (I have been begged for lemonade)

Now to me that doesn't seem enough, but I also don't want to be left with mounds and mounds of food like last year. We have also decided against lolly bags with cheap crappy toys in them. They are so wasteful, so this year I am going to make egg free chocolate fudge cupcakes and decorate them as aliens, wrap them nicely with cellophane and present them to the child when they leave.
I'm no Martha Stewart, but I'll show you the pictures tomorrow regardless of what happens lol.

A rant

2008-05-14T09:16:00.004+10:00

You know what? I'm really getting sick of people whinging and whining about they are hard done by because they earn 150k as a household. I'm seeing it on a forum that I frequent and it is making me so damn mad!

Last night the Australian Federal Government handed down their first budget of their electoral term. As part of their budget they are means testing some of the payments, including the 'baby bonus' - to 150k per household and making changes to the Child care Rebate and Family Tax benefits part B. This is fantastic and in my opinion didn't go far enough, 150k is MORE than reasonable - it is way above the average household income, so I think it is more than fair.

But. No, due to the hangover of the Howard years - where he fed everybody welfare, regardless of income, people have come to expect that welfare is rightfully theirs.

What is rich? Rich is not having to worry about putting food on your table. Rich is not worrying about how you are going to pay your rent. Wealth is too. Wealth is about being comfortable and knowing that tonight your children will sleep safe and warm in their beds.

There is no figure on this. If you can afford to do it, you are rich. Full stop. I'm sorry to all the rich people who have lost their welfare payments due to the budget. But, I'm sure that with a bit of perspective, you might look to the people who you share this country with who will go to sleep tonight on cardboard, enter their local welfare agency to get some food vouchers and hope and pray they can make it to their next Centrelink payment day and then realise just how wealth you actually are.

I am rich. My children might dress in 2nd hand clothing, but they are dressed warmly, well fed, they sleep under a roof and they eat 3 meals a day. I'm so very lucky that we have payments directed through the Government that acknowledge the importance of us obtaining an education, and support us (meagre though it is) to do this.

When I am earning next year, I will expect and HOPE that the Government continues to tax me and provide help and support to those that need it most. And that is NOT to the people who have 150k incomes, even if they live in Sydney!!

Happy birth day, Jude.

2008-05-11T17:59:00.003+10:00

This story is long. The labour was very very long. I had been having painful braxton hicks contractions for quite a few days leading up to the 10.05.03 which was a Saturday. The day before, a Thursday I went and got my hair done and had a relaxing pedicure. According to my mother a pedicure will bring on labour! I did start having contractions soon after but they were all over the place. So we went walking and the next day we went into town to shop at Myers before my 38 week antenatal appointment. I started to feel a bit sick and so we had to sit down before going up to the birth centre to make sure everything was alright. The midwife believed that everything was ready for labour and that I prob wouldnt make my next appointment that was made for the following Wednesday. I was a bit excited by that!!

The next day mum and I went shopping at the new shopping centre at Richmond BIG mistake. As soon as we got there I started having painful contractions. They were coming with some regularity, so we decided to go home and monitor them more closely. That night they were coming quite close together so we decided to go into the birth centre I thought that it was it! But alas the pains stopped again! The midwife decided to take a look and did an internal. She told me that I was indeed in the beginnings of labour as I was 2-3cm dialated and that she would probably be seeing me in the next 24 hours. When I got home I had quite a bit of a show and the contractions became fiercer! Every 5 minutes I was getting a contraction so I got in the shower to relieve them. I spoke to my baby and asked that we get a bit of a break at least until the morning as I was exhausted and so were my support people.

So Sunday came and went with only painful twinges. Sunday night the pains got stronger and we began to time them again. I kept in contact with the midwives at the birth centre and they encouraged me to keep staying at home until I could not bear it. I began to feel disheartened, all these contractions but not much happening. No waters breaking, nothing. On Monday morning, I woke and burst into tears as the pains had ebbed away again. As a last ditch effort DH and I had sex to try and move things along and boy did they ever! I rang the midwife again and she said that they wanted me to come in as I had been contracting for a few days and they wanted to check me out. This seemed to be all the encouragement the babaa needed 5 minutes apart contractions that were very painful. So at 11:30am on Monday we went back to the birth centre where they did another internal and found me at 4cm dialated and told me I could stay.

I got on the swiss ball and did lots of pelvic rocking trying to open up my pelvis. We had lovely lavender and clary sage oil burning in the room to encourage labour. I had a couple of showers with James applying heat to my back as I had terrible pain in my back throughout and between contractions. When midwives came in, I was distracted by them and my contractions would disappear again. This is where my labour sat until 9pm 2 to 4 minutes apart contractions another midwife came in and examined me and found me to be 7cms dialated but my blood pressure very high and suggested a bath to relax me. The bath was beautiful and my contractions died right down while I was in there. The problem was, when I got out they didnt pick back up. I tried everything but they were just erratic and all over the place. Finally at 11.15pm Rebecca (the third midwife I had had since arriving) decided to do an internal and found that I had not dialated any further and so decided to rupture the membranes. The warm gushy feeling was amazing the relief that the waters were not meconioum stained was amazing if they had of been I would have had to be transferred immediately to the normal labour ward. I stood up and I felt the bubabaloo move downwards and fell to my knees with three huge contractions that were hundreds of times more painful than before.

Rebecca moved me to the shower with James and there the pain got indescribable. The contractions were coming one on top of each other and the only way I felt relief was when I went into a full squat whilst James sprayed my back with boiling hot water. I got angry and punched the wall because there was no way I could get away from the pain. James took my cues and left me in silence whilst I dealt with the pain. When the contraction ebbed away I would come up to a standing position and drink cold water. Rebecca left me alone to get on with it but started coming in with more regularity to check the babies heartbeat. Time stood still for me but at some point at the end of my contraction I felt a need to push. I moved to the toilet because I felt I had to poo. so I sat there and had a few contractions whilst Rebecca monitored the heartbeat. She told me that I could come back to my room when I felt like, but I wanted more shower because I honestly felt a little scared of what was going to happen. A few contractions later I felt ready so we made our way back to my room where the lights had been turned down and a mat brought out underneath the bed. It was set up for me to kneel down. I still felt the need to push and asked Rebecca whether this was OK. She told me if I really really felt the need to push then have a go. That was all the encouragement I needed. I started to yell through the contractions but Rebecca quite sternly told me not to waste my energy and push into my bottom. Once I started to do that, it felt quite amazing there was pain but this pain was actually doing something and I started grunting through them. I was very hot and ended up having flannels dipped in ice on my neck and upper back and continued to sip water after each contraction.

All I could hear was Rebecca who encouraged me and told me when to stop. I notice her get up and bring back a pack. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought that maybe I was getting closer to delivery. A few more pushes and then I felt the babies head at the opening. Rebecca was packing my perinium with hot water towels which felt like heaven. She directed me to push push push and then hold onto it by panting to keep the babies head there. I felt fear because it felt like my vagina was going to be split in two but Rebecca told me not to be scared everything was OK. I trusted her and then the baby started to emerge by itself. The next contraction I pushed his head out and then I got this uncontrollable urge to push Rebecca was getting James ready to deliver his own baby, but I couldnt help it and out he slithered. Instant relief and instant screaming. Rebecca said to look down at my baby between my legs and I did. It was a beautiful boy. He was covered in blood and meconioum (apparently done after his head was born). She told me to pick him up but I was terrified, it was like I had never seen a baby before.

She left him attached to me for a few minutes before allowing James to cut the cord. He was humungous. They weighed him a few hours later and he was a whopping 9 pounds 2.5 ounces and 57cms long. My mum was the most amazed she was exclaiming "No drugs! you did that with NO drugs". I couldnt quite believe it myself. I wasnt against using pain relief it just never occurred to me to do so. I think it had to do with the fact my labour was around for so long starting and stopping. I also managed to get through it all with only a few stitches needed (apparently his foot got caught on the way out in that last push). My perinium massages and raspberry leaf tea was not done in vain! It was an hour and three quarters between the time my waters were broken and the beginning of second stage and my second stage lasted a whole 32 minutes. My boy Jude Samuel Ian is the most beautiful little boy and what a story for him to hear in a few years time.

(I wrote this 4 days after he was born and posted it on a internet forum on the 19th of May, 2003).