when realities come crashing down...

You know I'm trying to write about something very hurtful that has occurred recently to me. I just don't have the right words at the moment. I'm feeling maudlin and I thought this would be a perfect moment to do some navel gazing. But, I am having great difficulty in finding the right words. I am tired, I have been sleeping terribly every night - tossing and turning - wondering what has been said, why I am being targeted and yes I will admit, crying myself to sleep on some occasions.

I hold loyalty and honesty right up there in my most important traits in friends. To find out that I have been exisiting with some alternate universe out there mocking, judging and whispering about me is devestating to say the least. I try to be a good person, I know that I have a strong personality and I have opinions, but was all of this necessary for this?

For the last year and a half I have been contributing on a closed board administrated by what I thought was a friend. People were chosen to join the board on the strengths that they showed on another larger and public board. I'm not sure why I was chosen, but I can only assume that my attributes also pleased at one point. These attributes that got me noticed, apparently are the same ones that were the undoing. Over the past few days I have been accused of bullying, intimidation, scaring people, eating babies and taunting cats with sticks (ok the last two might be stretching the truth a tad :) ). Now I like to fight my battles to the end, but yesterday I lost the fight. I had too many sleepless nights, too many tears and to me they have pretty much been who? The people who have been whispering and pointing at me, but not to me.

So? Lessons I've learned:

1. Try not to join a private site where there is one person as 'boss hog', it is far too easy for them to become a little power hungry.

2. Be beige in approach. It is much safer and the only person you will be in danger of offending is yourself.

3. Don't trust people on face value. If they say they like you and love reading you, they probably think you are a fucking nasty bitch who pokes cats in her spare time for fun.

4. Opinions rattle and intimidate.

Me bitter and twisted? No, never.

I think I might need to get some more exercise and work this all off.