the coming 3 days

today - I graduate. I have been invited to special drinks for sw honours students where they will present awards as well. I pick up my regalia at 5.30pm - drinks go from 6-7.30pm and then the ceremony starts at 8pm. There are nibbles afterwards. I am taking my mother, my stepfather, j and my children. Slightly nervous that the children will be exhausted and lose it somewhere during the ceremony, but I really want them to be there.

tomorrow - I am going out for dinner with some of my closest friends (incl some that are flying in just to celebrate with me).

saturday - J and I hold a massive party to say thank you to all of our friends who have supported us over the past 6-8 years.

Am I excited? So much so that I can't sleep, hence the 6am blogging.

eek. A long pause between posts

For anybody left reading (I bet not a lot of you lol) I've been thinking about updating for quite a while because, quite frankly, I have lots to tell! Everything is going so well - since I've last posted - I've done LOTS. So lets start;

Work

Work has been going fantastically. I have now dropped down to 3 days a week (much more manageable in terms of balancing family life etc) and I have been asked to stay until August, working 3 days a week (ca$ual rates too). I've stopped stumbling 'Hi, I'm a stu.. social worker' and now my profession just rolls off my tongue naturally. Working until August really, really works for me - as it gives me 8 months to really ground myself - get some experience, network extensively - and then in a few months, start looking for a job that I want. There are some mighty good ones circulating atm too. I also really love who I work with - I love working within a multi-disciplinary team, especially one that works - cause apparently lots of them don't.

Home

Home I can pretty much rave about. J has been working full time doing CRT work ($$$), so for the first time in six years - our household has EXHALED fully. We have been dutifully reporting every cent of income to Centrelink and for the past 2 fortnights our payments have been ZERO. A cause for celebration in this house, let me tell you. Apparently after a number of zero payments Centrelink will send a letter saying that they have cancelled any payments/entitlements - that will be when the real celebration will begin.

Little J & N are just going great guns at school/kinder/cc respectively. Little J has grabbed onto literacy and just totally run with it, we are shocked about how fast he is learning to read. He bounces out of bed every week day, excited and happy to be going to school. We are very happy. N is attending childcare 3 days per week (my work days) and then going to kinder 1 morning. Because childcare is so locked up around here, we have had to spread N's care across 2 centres - one across the road from my work! So now one day per week, N and I battle the crowds on the trains (ha, they can't beat me I bought a new pram just for this reason - attempt to defeat me at your peril), giggling and talking the whole way along - it feels kinda nice to know that my youngest baby is so close during my work day and as an added bonus, it forces me to finish on time or close to it as I don't want him to be there until 6pm at night. So far he loves it and is actually relishing the time spent with me. We both are.

I do have something else to add which is quite important, but thought it was deserving of it's own title.

Bogan Mobile

The lovely 'ol car (read: pile-o-shit) has been retired. Yes, you heard it right. Last week, we became the proud owners of a newish car, bought entirely with our savings (partially stimulated by K.Rudd). My children practically wept with joy at the amazing wonderful car that we now own. The car comes from a friend of a friend (highly regarded - especially with regard to the servicing and upkeep of the car). This time last year we would have NEVER imagined ourselves in this type of car; in fact I've been known to heckle at cars which are similar. But, after we were told about it - we looked at each other and went "YEAH baby!!" - J was sold on the 10 CD stacker (?!), while I melted when I saw the condition it was in, tinted windows, LPG conversion.

So what is it?
.
.
.
.
A freakin' Landrover. Yes, you read right. We live 6km away from the CBD of a large capital city and now we own a Landrover discovery (V8) - 7 seater.

And now the poor Ford/Holden/bogan car sits all forlorn in the driveway, with no number plates (removed by some cruel person in order to get a refund for remaining duration of the registration). Now it awaits a call to the wrecker, to remove and "wreck" this vehicle. As much as I have spoke badly of this car (or lawn mower - as it sounded in it's last days), it never once broke down on us in all the time we had it. Well, the breaks failed and most of the engine was held together with gaffa tape, but you know...

So now, a majestic bloody Landrover sits in our yard. Our neighbours marvelled, our friends have cooed and we cannot.stop.driving.it. And you will not believe the price that we paid for it..

So yes, life is pretty amazing right now. Next up on the list in our house is; graduation ceremony! Dinner at an amazing restaurant with some delicious friends and a huge party that we're throwing to say thank you to everybody that supported us and cheered us on through the years. A party that a number of guests are flying in for.

Off I go again, best get ready for the week. Hope everybody is going well, I might have to check up on all my fave blogs..

I'm here

Just recovering from the general Xmas mayhem followed by travelling and spending almost 2 weeks away from home. I've been home for almost a week, but have been chained to the PC making final touches to my written work for my research.

I'll be back, I have plenty of photos to share... and lots of stories to tell. Including an instalment of the never ending story about my father (not a good one I'm afraid) - lots to tell about Sydney, talk of my NYE resolutions (a bit late, I know) and all of our amazing expectations for what will hopefully be a fantastic year for us.

My Xmas

Happy Xmas eve everybody!

Sorry I have not been around much - we have been so busy, and I haven't been near the computer much (hmm, I need to be - but more on that later)

I've had an incredibly busy week - we've had;

My Dad come to visit for a whirlwind weekend

Yes you heard right. My Dad rushed in and then rushed out for a visit. I was sad that he didn't spend longer with me originally, but now to be perfectly honest.. I'm not sure I could cope with much longer. He literally is like a hurricane - whipping up and lurching from one situation to another. It was nice, he barely let go of me the entire time he was here - touching my arm - cuddling me, squeezing me. It was nice and I think I might have got to know him a little bit better too. He also came bearing gifts which were not expected, but greatly appreciated. I know he loves me. I really do, but I think he just finds it incredibly difficult to show this love to me, and the emotions scare him somewhat. He cried a little while he was here. I also had a number of phone calls from my aunt asking me to fly over to Perth as my grandmother is unwell. But I'm going to Sydney tomorrow, so any flights will have to happen after the 6th of January... watch this space. When I'm in a better frame of mind I will go into this visit further, I'm still just processing it all.

A 3yo birthday party

During the above chaotic visit, we had a little party for N. He invited 2 of his best friends (and their older brothers who happen to be best friends with J, so everybody was catered for) and went to his favourite park. Due to my Dad being here, J made a cake. I had promised N a 3D lightening McQueen cake - but that was very ambitious of me I must say! In the end, J cooked a cake and iced it to look like a road scene and put lightening McQueen and Chick on it. The children were still amazed by it and N was estatic that he had a Cars cake at all! It was such a beautiful warm, no hot day and a fun day was had by all. Normally we throw these mega-extravaganzas with 15 children, but you know what? They can be just as fun with 2 of your closest friends.

Xmas present buying

Yesterday we again armoured up and went into the fray that is known as Knifepoint. It actually wasn't as busy as I expected it to and I managed to get quite a few things at discounted price! Hooray! All presents are done, all gifts are wrapped and waiting till tonight for going underneath the tree. J and I renegged on our earlier agreement of no presents and bought each other a novel.

This is why we are buying J a camera for Xmas; (hint: look into the reflection on my sunglasses)

Organisation for our holiday

Eek, trying to get that done. So far I've packed the children's luggage - and just waiting on borrowing a suitcase from my Mum to pack ours. Two days ago I went to Savers and spent $100 on some gorgeous vintage pieces and dresses - god I love that store. So my suitcase could be overflowing... We are also having people come to stay for a couple of days, so we need to have the house in excellent shape when we leave. The family that are staying are lovely, and I want to make sure they are comfortable. I am slightly concerned about how our cat is going to go, in the last week he has decided to sleep on top of us every night (ie - sleeping on my chest, when I turn over he falls off but he gets straight back on). I best warn the family about that LOL. I am so looking forward to our holiday, I can't believe we are going tomorrow!

Job

Haven't heard a peep from the job yet. I'm losing hope about getting an interview, but I'm actually not that concerned you know? I wasn't sure that I was ready to go to work 4 days per week and I already do have a temporary position at my placement starting in Feb anyway. Something will come for me, I know it.

Thesis

Haven't done a thing, still. Today is the day that I am going to cut stuff out and have a good go at it. I promised my supervisor I'd put something in the mail for her to read over the holidays..exciting stuff, yes? She has also asked me if I could do 2 presentations for incoming students next year about my research and I'm just a girl who can't say no. I find it very difficult to say no, so looks like next year, I'll be doing 2 uni presentations!

Tagged by Shel

We are having Xmas eve dinner tonight and this is whats on the menu;

Entree

prawn cocktails (a nod to my favourite decade - the '80s)

Main

Cumin salt pork rack with baked peaches

potatoes, sweet potatoes, pumpkin, garlic beans, cauliflower cheese etc

Dessert

Cylie's ice cream pudding; ice cream with pistachio nuts, turkish delight, marshmallows, frozen raspberries and custard. Good god, it's going to be GOOD.

No alcohol for me - I'm on antibiotics due to a nasty sinus/no voice infection that I'm battling; so soda water for me tonight.

Take care and Merry Xmas all. I probably will not post again until early Jan. Take care and for some of you, I'll catch you soon xx

so now what?

Well I'm sitting here on a sunday afternoon. All of my coursework has been completed. Tomorrow I will get up at 5.50am to go to cycle, then come home without having to rush to board the sardine line - I will take my children to Kinder/Child care and my might leisurely go home and make myself a yummy coffee (thanks Shel ;) ). Thats going to be strange. The next time I enter a workplace there will be not "student" in front of my name, and I will be getting paid!

While I am excited for the most part, I still have this dreaded thesis hanging above my head and until that is done I can not celebrate fully, so today/tomorrow/tuesday and beyond you will most likely find me with my head firmly down attempting to get as much done on my thesis as possible. Because I just want everything to be over, I want to celebrate with my family and do family things - and if I do happen to score my dream job - they want me to start straight away.

Now onto this dream job. I am currently trying to stop myself from getting my hopes up too much. The reality is that this workplace takes a number of students (I think approx 6), so it is very likely, strike that certain that out of that group of 6 students there will be at least one stand-out. Who will probably apply for the job and will be given it. I know how these things work, I truly do. What is keeping my hopes up is that I've had 2 phone calls from the head of SW there who knows my name and has spoken to me for over 45 minutes - very kindly explained the structure of their dept and gave me ideas of how else to get a job there (locum advice etc). But still, one must be realistic about this. I cannot let my random daydreams of working there next get the better of me. And its got nothing to do with being desparate for a job, because I really am not. I guess it is just the first time that I have felt passionate about a potential job - like I've been fiddling around - loving Women's health, writing about women's health, reading about women's health, hoping to get a placement there for the past 5 years and here is a real opportunity to play a part in shaping the experiences that women have. Look, I think I'll get an interview - surely on the strength of our telephone conversation I believe the woman I spoke to will grant me an interview - and the resume and cover letter I sent in today will surely impress them - but I'm not so confident on being given the job.

Anyway onto real life; my baby boy is turning 3 on Wednesday. His request for his birthday - a Lightening McQueen cake (eek!), um ok son. His request for friends, "I only want Oscar and Henry Mummy, they are my best friends". So looks like we might have a teeny, tiny get together at the park this weekend, because party is such short notice and so close to Xmas - and my beautiful grown up little boy will get his Lightening McQueen cake - oh and perhaps a birthday present from his parents. Best get onto that, and all the other related Xmas stuff that I have to do in the next 11 days. I haven't bought a thing for Xmas yet! Wheeeee, Knifepoint in the week before Xmas. My idea of pleasure, fun and laughter... NOT.

We fly out in 11 days - how exciting. Our trip to Sydney is shaping up to be fantastic. So far we have plans for NYE staying with gorgeous bunch of friends - for a day/night/day full of feasts and drinks alike. Our children will be delighted to play with a bunch of friends - it will be so much fun! We also plan to be the quintessential tourists up there - visit the Harbour bridge, catch a ferry, go to Taronga Zoo....um, eat out as much as possible..lol. Any other ideas?

Anyway, I smell all things that are good to eat on the stove. J has made a beautiful casserole type dish and my tummy is rumbling.

I think this is a sign that my posting here may well increase again.

xx Thanks for following and supporting me my lovely friends. Some of you have listened, patted and consoled me for the past 5 years - You know I love you all. Thanks xx.

ps - I so need to get myself to SAVERS!! I'm there tomorrow morning I predict ;)

Things to do with fellow bloggers...

Donna. We are going to meet. And drink wine. I really, really want to meet you.

Melissa. I'm going to take you to Bridge Road in Richmond to feed you some yummy tofu.

Jenn. We are going to drink a really, really big bottle of drink together - while we yee-ha about our degrees.

Anyone else?

(I'm having an 'I love..' stage drinking my wine).

Good news!

Completed my sixth interview today! All interviews are DONE! Such a great feeling to know that I have finished, and the interview itself was again brilliant. I feel like I have been blessed to be able to meet all of these women who have allowed me to come and share in their most private experiences. Now to do it justice.

Spent the entire tram and train trip back to North Melbourne on the phone with my supervisor - was good to clear the air about our meeting (see previous post) because as I mentioned I was feeling a little vunerable. But all is good and she has even invited me and my family to come to lunch or dinner with her family once she hands her PhD in and I hand my Honours in.. so I think the sands are shifting between supervisor to friend and mentor (though I told her, I was hoping it would involve a meeting in a bar with plenty of wine - hic!). Which suits me fine because as you can already guess, she is very much on the receiving end of a girly crush from me. And this is so funny because, as I was telling James today, when she was the lecturer of the subject I was undertaking a couple of years ago - she almost failed me and I was pissed off and never really thought of her again, until she rang me this year to invite me into the program... She says I'm going to have to move on from the 59 she gave me from the essay that I submitted in the RESEARCH subject, but I can't get over the sheer irony that I'm now an honours student conducting my own research - In fact I actually think it is hilarious! But yes, now - I've actually found someone that not only I respect and admire - but who I actually like too!

Anyway, enough gushing.

Today the other student who is on placement at the hospital (in oncology) and I had a peer supervision session, at a terrible little cafe across the road from the hospital. None other than http://www.rhcl.com.au/ here. God, does anyone know how to make the link hidden so you click on a word to get there? I'm such a techno-phobe. Anyway - one cafe latte and one pear and chocolate muffin later (omg, I'm so going back there) and quite a lot of chatting - we pledged to do this on a weekly event, to debrief to each other. Because she has also been finding it tough, lovely girl she is too :(.

I went via the ward (my supervisor had an RDO) and did some independent sw - meeting with a new patient and talking to two others... ooh I'm getting the hang of this I reckon :). Then went down to a BBQ on the lawns outside my building - had a sausage and then ran to the train to get out to the North Western Suburbs to interview my final participant. Now I'm at home with my beautiful children. Aaaaah, I just love me a friday - James is out in the kitchen making a pizza for dinner, children are eating their pizzas that they made and decorated - all is right in the world.

tofu

Still feeling a little overwhelmed by my workload but two very important things have happened in the last 24 hours..

My fifth interview;

This is what it is about. Being entrusted to hear someones personal story - it really brought the end goal back into sharp focus. I am so grateful and privileged to hear these women's stories and I only hope that I am able to do the justice that this story deserves. Also, it just reinforced the themes that I had already gathered from my other interviews. This stuff needs to be told. I just need to remember this when the going gets tough.

My supervisor;

Today my uni supervisor came into my workplace and took me for lunch - her treat. We spent over an hour talking through some things - and I think I might share them here with you. First of all she wanted to know if I had recovered from my angst, or whether I was just *pretending* that I had recovered? Hmm interesting question I said. I replied that I thought I had recovered, but it was just so hard to tell - because I am an angsty person in general - like I worry about things I have no control over and I am more anxious than the average Joe. She then mentioned that throughout the year she has noticed me making a number of comments when talking about further study (ie - PhD) that I always say 'oh that is James' domain' or 'I always get James to read over it, he is the smart one' or comments to that effect. This is the up/down side of having a SW for a supervisor.. LOL. She wanted to know whether this pattern of thinking dominated in any way.

And well, yes. It does.

I couldn't hide it from her any longer. The following jumble fell from my mouth in a virtual heap on the table next to the tofu/eggplant/couscous/sweet potato deliciousness that we were stuffing our faces with;

1.My complex family history - disjointed. Grew up feeling like a failure, told I was a failure.
2.I had my first baby - and the failure feeling magnified to a point where I considered everybody to be much better off without me.
3.Starting SW and during my developmental subject making this horrid realisation that it wasn't normal to being gripped with terror whenever I left the house and having a *wee* breakdown in 2004.
4.Having therapy and making connections to point 1 +2 + 3. Such a major day, that one. The psychologist forced me to yell out what I felt described myself and the overwhelming theme was 'useless'. So many tissues were used as that little realisation came to a head. Good god, that is the theme I had lived my life to. It was awful, awful, gut wrenching - still is to realise this is my schema.
5.Our work together made a lot of ground and I recovered somewhat, but unfortunately this will be a life long battle. And as I said to my lunch companion today, this is my schema. This is the recording in my head. It is something I have to battle each and every day. I seem to cover it well though. I present as a confident and competent woman who knows what she is talking about and where it's at. But underneath that veneer, is someone who is waiting for someone to out her for the fake that she is.

And when I said all of that.. I though *shit* should I have just let it all out like that? Why did I do that? Nothing like a bit of therapy with my tofu I guess.

She then recounted a time when a couple of months ago her and another lecturer were chatting in front of me and they both agreed that they would be very happy for me to see their children as a sw and I apparently looked at her with utter disbelief. I couldn't believe that they thought so highly of me.

And so after some more talk about my study/placement/life in general - we shared anecdotes of mother-guilt, catholic guilt and just guilt in general (I've probably mentioned it here too - it is the one emotion I feel every waking moment), we languished in the sun and promised that every supervision session should be like this, though I said a glass of wine would complement the session to no end, but imagine the confessions that would come rolling out then!!! So with a sense of resignation we finished up our lunch and I went back to work. As soon as we parted the self-doubt began to creep in. What was I doing telling her these things? What does she think of me now? Am I just a navel-gazing twit who needs to just get on, with getting on? What made me just expose my vunerability so easily, to someone I respect and admire so much? Who I consider to be a friend?

Only time will tell I guess...

Weekends....

Saturday morning in this house means...

James waking up and rushing off to the markets to get fruit and vegie supplies for the week.

Me heading off to the gym for 1-2 hours (well I didn't do that this week!)

Then this saturday we;

Went to a 5th birthday party at McDonalds (yes, McDonalds!!) where my children inhaled their cheeseburgers in 5 seconds flat. Perhaps we best mention here that the parents did too .

We drove to Western hospital to pick up our beautiful best friend who was there for lectures to prepare for her surgical rounds commencing in a few weeks.

James dropped us off right outside the front door of Savers - where Em and I spent over an hour perusing the many clothes. I walked out with a shirt for James (with even more of a shock that he liked it!!), a shirt for me and a skirt that comes straight out of the 70's.

Obviously as Kmart and Dimmeys are located across the road, we did that too. Laughing and chatting along the way... and ended up at;

A delicious Vietnamese restaurant (hundreds surround us) picked at random. Me kicking myself for earlier partaking in a cheeseburger because all I wanted was delicious steaming hot noodles with crisp asian vegetables. But I was full, so I drank tea while my friend gobbled it all up. We marvelled at our situations; she is in her final year of medicine, me in my final year of social work. Within a few months we are both going to be regarded as professionals. We laughed hysterically at the thought! Isn't it wonderful, 3 of us James, Em and Me - all finishing together and all starting on our next step of our lives together.

A few more laughs in a variety of shops in Footscray, a cuddle and then goodbyes and back 2 stations to my home where my husband was busy cooking dinner for us all.

Dinner, cuddles with children - off to bed they go.

Off to bed I go ah 8.30 on a saturday night - with the Time Travellers Wife which I get proceeded to become engrossed in reading for the next 2 hours. James stays up preparing for his lessons as he starts his 3 week teaching block next week.

Blissful sleep.

Sunday morning in this house means...

Waking up before light and hearing my boys chattering (well actually that occurs most days)

Banana pancakes made by James.. (usually kickstarted by Noah calling out...'I hungry Daddy').

Children running around, arguing, laughing, creating cubby houses...

And today on this sunday?

We're heading out for an adventure. We were going to go to Lake Mountain to have some snow play, but I (mean mummy) called it off because of the expense in hiring the gear and I actually don't like snow all that much. So we decided to go exploring our favourite part of Melbourne; the Dandenongs. Where we can show our children (like we do every time..!) where we got married http://www.poetslane.com.au/ . I imagine one day the children will roll their eyes and go 'yes Mum, we know that is where you got married...', because everytime we go up there - we have to visit Poets Lane and show them, James and I love to drive up through the gates and relive that magical day almost 7 years ago. We will also go to James' favourite spot up there; the arboretum. We are going to take our gum boots and get out to go into the forest and try to find some slugs and worms to show the boys. It is going to be a day for exploring and dreaming...

I anticipate that we'll come home - cold, possibly a bit wet and dirty and hungry.

Dinner, bath and boys into bed.

Me - America's Next Top Model (my secret shame)
James - preparing for his next 3 weeks

God I love weekends in this house.

(Did you notice I failed to mention me doing any Uni work - smack my hand NOW!)

the weekend...

no gym. dress up in my new favourite 'Savers' outfit, step out the door with J and head into the city to attend a good friends 30th - to a bar with a tab - whereupon I manage to do a number of things;

A woman I had just met was passing me a glass so we could have champagne and something funky happened which resulted in two smashed glasses all over our hands. This was within 10 minutes of arriving. Hmm.

These funky Melbourne bars have all manners of little side-slung rooms/alleyways and rickety stairs leading up to the roof for the smokers (excellent view to right in the CBD) - I go up there to chat to some friends, take a toilet break and manage to slide/fall down a few stairs. In my own mind, I reacted silently - fell heavily but continued on my merry way to use the toilet. But in actual fact I apparently fell and loudly said 'oh FUCK!' . I stepped back upstairs and everyone not only heard me swear loudly, they heard me fall heavily. And I was not allowed to forget about it for the rest of the night.

There is quite possibly going to be a number of photos on facebook appearing of me showing a bit of leg because one of the photographers was fascinated by my fishnets.

I love my friends. Last night I was surrounded by so many of our friends. People we don't see nearly enough of - it was so nice to just be with them. The person whose birthday it was, had an integral part in the meeting of J and I. I met him at her 21st - and last night was her 30th.

I love vodka, lime and soda. I will never, ever tire of this drink.

I can stay out until 2.30am (and I could have stayed even longer - but the thought of sunday morning sent me scurrying for a taxi).

Taxi rides are almost invariably funny for whatever reason. Last night we had "Mr Angry", who steadfastly remained angry the entire trip home, even though J was making polite conversation. He played music very loudly and it was a very scary ride home.

Sunday morning - I managed to sleep in to 8am - woke up and first thought was ...

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I dragged my sorry arse out of bed, met J who was making pancakes with maple syrup for the boys. He motioned to Nurofen extra, clicked the kettle on and proceeded to make me a coffee as I contemplated how on earth we were going to cope with attending a birthday party. But we survived. However, halfway through the party - my injured leg from my stair incident the night before is throbbing and getting up quickly at the party results in another whacking great bruise, but this time on the ankle. Oh yeah, I'm all class

So as I contemplate my ruined food intake (and lets not even get into the alcohol intake!) for the weekend and wonder when oh when I will lose this final - I also have another week ahead of me. My first interview. My first interview is this week!!!

Anyway, best be off to bed. Cycle is on at 6am tomorrow. I need to get back onto the horse and get this weight loss started.

Bleary eyed

I have had the biggest weekend, take a seat and let me tell you all about it.

Friday night

consisted of me, my mum and a good friend go here http://www.savers.com.au/main/ to look for a dress to wear for the girls dinner for the following night. I found one! $6.99 for a retro dress, which Rach unpicked and then sewed back up for me while we shared a bottle of wine, hic! Thanks Rach!

Saturday

No gym, I decided to spend my day with my family as lovely Isis rang and asked me to stay with her at the hotel she had booked herself into. What an adventure, staying in your own city but in a hotel! We checked in and cracked the bottle of wine immediately, and sat chatting freely without the interruption of children. Ahh the pleasure of that cannot be measured. Very soon after we had a knock on the door and we found Suse on the doorstep. We then meandered next door to Ames and found a few more lovely ladies - Eventually we made our way down to http://www.minirestaurant.com.au/ . Divine is about the only way I can describe it. The food, the company, the laughter, the wine. It was such a fabulous night.

Sunday

Alarm off at 7.30am - bleary eyed and hungover I showered and got myself ready for a birthday breakfast of a dear friend. Met up with a few of the girls from the previous evening and set off for the botanical gardens. Oh is there any better remedy for a hangover than a greasy bacon, mushroom, tomato extravaganza with baked bean and cheese jaffles, eggs, fruit salad, danishes and filtered coffee thrown in for good measure? Oh I ate until I just could not eat anymore. Celebrated the birthday with someone who looks nowhere near the age she says she is (40 pfft, I look older than her!). Then off to take mum to the airport - where it went something like this; Go to airport to find out Typhoon has hit Hong Kong so mum has been bumped off Cathay Pacific and is suddenly flying with Malaysian airlines so she can get to Paris still, so what started off being a 30 minute trip - ended up being 2 hours at airport. Feed children McDonalds and order gigantic coke for said hangover. Watch underbelly (thanks Deb!), fall into deep, deep sleep.

approximately 3.30am - awaken from deep sleep by mobile phone and house phone ringing - it goes something like this;

Mum crying and anxious. Malaysian airlines would not allow them to board their flight from Kuala Lumpur to Paris - she got dumped from the flight - they wouldn't accept her to travel to Paris because she didn't have some document that Cathay Pacific would pay for the flight sector a FIN note apparently. The woman at the airport did so much as rifle through her bag (because she didn't believe that mum didn't have it!!!!!). We think the woman at Malaysian airlines check in back in Melbourne did not give it back to her. There were 8 other people that had been moved from Cathay Pacific flight with her and none of them had trouble, they all got on their flight and are happily on their way. They argued, cried and tantrumed for 3 hours- stressed out of their minds about what to do and whose fault it was - and in the end decided to ring me at 3am to ask me to help. Mum was crying, anxious and just wanted to come home. Finally after 4 hours I got through to a human being at Melbourne airport. Thank god for the internet. In the time it took to get onto her, I had already managed to look at KL's flight schedule to had sorted out an alternative way of getting to Paris by this evening. They had said to her last night that she would have to wait for a midnight flight tonight, effectively losing almost 2 days off her trip to Paris.

Upside is this; Cathay Pacific have the most loveliest lady at Melbourne ap who remembered me and my parents from the airport yesterday. She immediately got onto it and organised 2 tickets to London on the first flight out of KL, and upgraded her to business. She has also organised them 2 tickets to Paris on an Air France flight and given me her home mobile number to contact if there are any more issues! Now that is service. Now Mum always wanted to be upgraded, but unfortunately in not so crap circumstances.

Fingers are firmly crossed that this is all the issues they will have. They still have tonnes of flights ahead of them. Hope they enjoy the pointy end of the plane for the entire 13 hours. Love you mum and have a great time xx.

So I am bleary eyed, I missed the gym - I'm still in my PJ's and I have to put the finishing touches on my final draft of my application. Bleurk.

I'm a bit surprised that I have a few more visitors, hello Melissa :).

Off to write and then sleep. I'll try to add some photos in..

second verse, same as the first...

Yes,

I still sit here - trying to finish off my ethics application - it is due to my supervisor tomorrow and I still have this to finish;

• think of a title - though atm I have 'Miscarriage: Women's experience of hospital treatment' or maybe 'Miscarriage: how do hospitals respond' -though I think the second one might cause us a bit of an issue.
• explanatory statment - this is a biggie
• finish 4.2 (c) of the consent form
• finish 4.8 and 4.9 of Form P
• and complete section six (6.1-6.6) of the actual form.

Considering I had 8 tasks to do yesterday - I am happy with the rate of work I am completing. And this is just the first draft, that goes to Cathi. The actual form isn't submitted to the committee until the 23rd of April, but that is 3-4 copies plus all the other crap associated with it.

I have been a busy about the research. I rang SANDS last week and spoke to a lovely lady there who has happily accepted me to place them as a support network for my participants if necessary. She also offered herself as a potential participant if I was interested. Heck I really could have interviewed many women over - so many people are interested in this research. Scary, I hope I can do it justice. I have also been gratned permission by the administrator of EB to place a recruitment advertisement to seek participants, but i have to wait for ethics approval first. Which Cathi tells me, might take UNTIL JUNE!

Another important note to make, is that this is only Honours, I need to stop stressing so much about getting it all perfect. This is a big subject area, and not a lot is known at present, I need to be mindful of this as the first step in scratching the surface. If I so chose, I could go on to critically analyse the hospital procedures in place for this event. But we'll see what comes out of the research first.

In other news; I am back at the gym with vengance! I have a new form of attack - heavy weight lifting with a boxing circuit on either side on my resistance training days. Because lets face facts, I hate the treadmill and find the cardio room quite boring, but I know I have to keep up the cardio for weight loss, so I am hoping that boxing ticks all the boxes for me in that regard. I am also mindful of my food intake again (though I will just add here that on sunday I made a banoffee cheesecake and dear lord it was delicious!).

My mum flew up to Darwin last night because my brother is in ICU with a collapsed lung, hope everything is alright up there A? My mum flies back on thursday morning and then she is out again on sunday afternoon going to Paris and Slovenia/Slovakia. Lucky woman! We do get to borrow her car for the time she is away though, woot! No bogan mobiles for us.

We are incredibly busy here for the next couple of weeks. As I mentioned mum is leaving, as well as that - I have a couple of friends arriving in Melbourne this weekend - and a group of us are getting together to wine and dine and I cannot wait, I am so very excited. Especially considering these people were the unfortunate witnesses to the dirtiness played out the other week at the V, and we've managed to reconnect anyway :). Then next weekend, James' sisters are coming to visit our children for the weekend, so that will be good for the boys and them as Jude hasn't seen his aunty H for almost 3 years and Noah has never met her. Yet Jude asks about her all the time and wants to send stuff to her. It will be a lovely weekend for them all.

Anyway, enough procrastinating. Must get back to this blasted work. Gee I hope it is all worth it.

when realities come crashing down...

You know I'm trying to write about something very hurtful that has occurred recently to me. I just don't have the right words at the moment. I'm feeling maudlin and I thought this would be a perfect moment to do some navel gazing. But, I am having great difficulty in finding the right words. I am tired, I have been sleeping terribly every night - tossing and turning - wondering what has been said, why I am being targeted and yes I will admit, crying myself to sleep on some occasions.

I hold loyalty and honesty right up there in my most important traits in friends. To find out that I have been exisiting with some alternate universe out there mocking, judging and whispering about me is devestating to say the least. I try to be a good person, I know that I have a strong personality and I have opinions, but was all of this necessary for this?

For the last year and a half I have been contributing on a closed board administrated by what I thought was a friend. People were chosen to join the board on the strengths that they showed on another larger and public board. I'm not sure why I was chosen, but I can only assume that my attributes also pleased at one point. These attributes that got me noticed, apparently are the same ones that were the undoing. Over the past few days I have been accused of bullying, intimidation, scaring people, eating babies and taunting cats with sticks (ok the last two might be stretching the truth a tad :) ). Now I like to fight my battles to the end, but yesterday I lost the fight. I had too many sleepless nights, too many tears and to me they have pretty much been who? The people who have been whispering and pointing at me, but not to me.

So? Lessons I've learned:

1. Try not to join a private site where there is one person as 'boss hog', it is far too easy for them to become a little power hungry.

2. Be beige in approach. It is much safer and the only person you will be in danger of offending is yourself.

3. Don't trust people on face value. If they say they like you and love reading you, they probably think you are a fucking nasty bitch who pokes cats in her spare time for fun.

4. Opinions rattle and intimidate.

Me bitter and twisted? No, never.

I think I might need to get some more exercise and work this all off.