Back..

Wow, I've been a bit neglectful of my blog, apologies for that, but things have been super busy here - oh and HOT.

My thesis is done and will be submitted tomorrow. My supervisor says that I write beautifully (not that you ever see it here - I'm always blogging on the run ;) ) . If anyone is interested in hearing more about my research, let me know and I'll devote a whole post to it. Anyway I'm off to uni tomorrow to drop back my uni books that were due back last month, have a coffee with my supervisor and submit 2 bound copies of my thesis and then pick up a letter saying I've completed my degree and eligible to join association - just in time for...

Starting work on thursday! I start 4 days a week for the next few weeks and my job hunting will take on a more serious position. Through networking there is a possibility of a job coming my way, but I don't want to jinx it so will not say too much yet. Suffice to say that it would suit me down to the ground. Anyway, I'm looking forward to returning to work. It will be so bizarre going there though, as the last time I was there I was a student and now I'm there as a paid employee. Another great part is the other student has secured a maternity leave position there so at least we'll be in the same boat lol. Two beginners treading water together lol.

My oldest son starts school tomorrow and I am so excited because HE is so excited about it. This morning he woke up and said 'oh I can hardly believe it, I am so EXCITED to be a prep Mummy!'. Our plan for tomorrow is to drop our youngest son off at childcare and then J and I taking little j for a babycino before going to school. Tonight I will be preparing school bags, laying out uniforms and getting lunches together , what a proud moment for me. All the other kinder mothers think I'll be the sook tomorrow, but I don't think so. I'm proud and excited for him. He is so ready for school. To celebrate this momentous occasion, his body decided to mark this by losing his 3rd tooth (top front one) so now he looks like a big boy.

Well unless you live out of Australia, you will most likely know that we have just endured a horrendous spate of 40+ degree days here (with one reaching 45) - urgh. For those days we camped out in the loungeroom on air mattresses in front of the aircon. Very cute to sleep all together, the boys loved it. I have to admit though, after those few days we were very happy to get back into our own beds - air mattresses are not the most comfortable - especially when they appear to have a slow leak! To escape the heat during the day, we sought refuge at our local pool and this is where an amazing thing occurred. Everyday we went, we ran into at least one of little j's friends - and by the end of day 3 - little j was swimming like a fish. Why is this exciting you ask? Because last year, most of little j's swimming lessons were devoted to getting him to putting his face in the water. He was terrified! By the end of the year he had progressed to putting his head in the water but refused to take his feet off the ground. Well! On friday his face was barely above water and he was swimming from one side to another. Such a confidence booster for him - I only wish I had the camera to capture the absolute joy on his face. And n! He was also swimming - and he was throwing himself in the water and diving to me for the whole time. I'd forgotten how fun the swimming pool is, so today we're off to another local pool for a few hours.

Unfortunately J has not managed to secure a position for this year. He has had a number of interviews, applied for stacks of jobs but keeps getting pipped at the post (being ranked no 2) - he is pretty devastated, and truth be told so am I. I had hoped that at this time we wouldn't be struggling financially so much... but we are actually worse off at the moment because our childcare has stopped being subsidised and instead of paying $6 a week, we are now paying $165. Eek. So hopefully he will get some emergency teaching and will manage to pick up a job soon. He is so fantastic, he is clever, he did so well at uni and his portfolio is amazing but apparently it isn't easy for graduates to get jobs - and there were 5000 graduates who finished teaching last year. So that coupled with experienced teachers is really a lot of pressure. Those that know him are gobsmacked that he hasn't been successful yet. He has such a way with teenagers and is just like one of thos cool teachers that we all used to have (mine was in grade 5, he played in a band and drove a retired ambulance to school - man he was so cool). Anyway, I have every faith that his time will come.

Exercise has only just started up again. I stood on the scales the other day and I've put on 2kg . That 2kg is devoted entirely to the editing and writing of my thesis. Back onto it next week.

I have so much more to talk about. Sydney, family, life - but I think I will leave it there - and make it a resolution to post more often.

Tuesday, this week so far...

Birthday present for N.. done.

Shopping at Knifepoint.. pretty much done.

4 x batches of marshmallow cookies for gifts, parties etc.. done. (and before you even think I'm some type of Martha Stewart, my glorious man cooked them as I scurried around pretending to fluff around essay writing)

Presents shipped across Australia and the world... done.

Gym - twice this week - monday - boxing class and 15 min on bike. today - 30min running. (probably will not touch the surface considering I've been stuffing my face with those marshmallow cookies)

Kinder party attended - awww, so cute, so cute. My oldest baby has finished Kinder, roll on big school next year.

Thesis. Not.one.bit.

Savers = waah haven't got there.

preoccupied

Sorry for my non-stop focus on my uni atm. One week. One more week to go.


ONE MORE BLOODY WEEK.

(sssh stop trying to remind me about the thesis. I know, I know. I have to finish that too).

Mon through to Fri and then it is all over.

ps - I did cycle today after a little hiatus. I feel virtuous and I think I will go tomorrow and do pump and then cycle. I've given up sugar pretty much too. Lets see if this kick starts the last 7 kilos off me.

J's birthday on wednesday, I'm going to buy him a leather satchel as a b'day/xmas/happy graduation present... I hope he likes it. God I love him.. I think I might go and spend some time with him right now.

so tired..

I am so tired. Bone achingly so. I'm sitting here at 7.50pm - J is out tutoring, children have finally settled in bed - pile of dishes with my name on them to wash and all I want to do is have a hot shower and settle myself into bed with a book.

I've also been avoiding this blog a bit, because I am finding it really tough finishing the story of my father. Donna is right, it is difficult - but I want to get it done and I will try.

My work is brilliant. My case load is now hovering between 5-6 and in preparation for my midplacement review my supervisor and I had a meeting - where she said many positive things and fed back that members of the team had been very positive about me and my skills. (big smile there!!) In other shocking news, it appears we are now entering job hunting season, with no less than 9 jobs on the market - eek, does that mean I have to apply?? eek indeed. I am absolutely loving my role and I'm not sure I will be able to leave it easily in another 7 weeks, lucky there could be some type of opening for a locum position at least :) starting in February.

My research is coming ahead, I am up to data analysis stage. Here is what I have so far;

lack of acknowledgement

lack of compassion+++++

lack of information+++++ (which occurs throughout hospital experience)

invisibility of the baby (language use etc, not a baby, bleeding is like "a period")

invisibility of the mother (women not "seen" in treatment responses)

Loss of control, loss of power

Strong emotions about treatment even after grief of loss subsides

Self-blame/excuse making for ill-treatment

What women want?

Information
Power to make some decisions about their treatment (ie - natural, D&C)

Leaflets to take away

Their babies to be recognised as babies, no matter the gestation

to not have to wait in emergency

continuity of care

Directives from the researchers point of view

Information, real information - they for the most part understand that medical professionals can not answer some questions, but to be available and open to answering questions and describing what they do know as openly as possible. Being thorough about processes, even about logical events - because people in crisis may NOT think logically.

Medical staff to undergo PD (possibly from SW dept) about communication skills - active listening etc.

To reinforce that although a common consequence of pregnancy, it is not common for the woman experiencing it and for all staff to be mindful of this.

How does it sound? I think it is alright, obviously that is just base grade theming occurring there - plenty more work to do!

Gymming is going well - I was there 4 times last week, this week I've only been once but I intend to go another few times before the week is through. Eating has been pretty good, with a downfall here and there - but I do spend most of my day running between patients, up and down stairs! J had his second integration day today at his new primary school and from all accounts (ie- the husband) he appeared to do very well. Oh, I can't believe he is starting school next year *sob*

ok off to wash the dishes.

Saturday...and it is 25 degrees!

Gosh I love spring. It takes that first sunny and warm day for me to realise just how much I actually like it. And I love what it does to my surroundings. Melbourne just comes alive!

Anyway - 5 days down on the placement - still loving it. We are in discussions about taking on my own case load but until then (possibly in a week) I will be starting to settle in to going into see patients by myself etc. But truly? I seriously love it. And the best bit, I am not snacking because the job has me running around all day. The hospital resembles a rabbit warren and my desk is nowhere near the ward that I work on. So all day, I run up and down the stairs - barely ever sitting down. Thats got to be good for the fat shifting, right? Also, because I am barely ever around - I am not snacking at all. Which means I am have limited my caffeine intake and have zilch chocolate as well!

All this is good and well, because the downside is, I haven't been managing to get to the gym at all during the week, due to my start time (8.30), and I only managed to get there monday and then today this week. Today I did pump and then cycle and while it hurt a little, it was nowhere NEAR as bad as the other week that I blogged about. I feel good, very good - and even better that the weather heated up and I put some summery clothes on and looked decent!

My children also survived the week without me, pfft they don't need me at all. Except Noah suddenly wouldn't poo on the toilet because of big scary spiders (has been toilet trained for months) and my poor mother had to clean 2 pairs of his undies. My mum at 66 ran around town yesterday signing leases, get cheques done, going to Highpoint etc - as her house has been put up for sale and she wanted to get out of there asap, and ended up getting the first house she applied for. It is SO much nicer than the one she is in now, and it is for the same price. A lovely californian bungalow, partially renovated too. Anyway, she did all of that running around with her two granchildren on board. She is an expert, I would have surely crumbled.

Anyway, best get back to transcribing. I have 1 and 1/4 interviews to go. I can hear my children playing joyfully in the sunshine with their wonderful father.. I am very tempted to join them...

xx

Saturday...what a beautiful day

The sun is shining, the birds are singing... I did my 4th interview this morning so I can officially commence my research - WOOHOO! I came home and then went to the gym and worked really hard and now I am sitting here waiting for Rach to pick me up so we can go to my favourite shop, Savers in Foot-es-cray. One day when I have some time, I will photograph all of my dresses that I have managed to buy from there. I'm actually going there today to scout for something for James for fathers day and I'm taking my "fashion forward" friend to help me work out what to get that he might like - champagne looks on a beer budget indeed ;0.

I start my placement on monday ----- eek! Scared shitless I am. Seriously. Practically my first week will be taken up with meetings of all the other allied health staff there etc. A good friend lent me a book called 'Watermelon' by Ruth Ritchie (sorry can't find a link) as it deals with a person who has an ABI and goes into rehab. Very interesting and has given me a taste perhaps of what is to come. To say I am in for a challenge may indeed be an understatement.

One way I can tell I've come out of hibernation, I've shaved my legs - there was only 5 months worth of growth there ;) and I've given up trying to save up for an eyebrow wax and plucked it myself, my eyebrows don't look too bad either!

Ciao - hope the weekend is as shiny as ours will be..

first day of spring...!

A word of warning.

Never, ever do a pump class after not attending for a few months, believing because you have been weight lifting during that time, that you can continue with the weights that you had lifted some months previously in pump. Because come song number two - the squat track, you will be squatting with 10kgs on your back for 5 and a half minutes non-stop. For the rest of the lesson my legs shook uncontrollably, so much so that I couldn't do dead-lifts etc.

and then...

Do not stumble from that class across the hall to a cycle class - where even the teacher looks amazed as you walk in and asks 'are you trying to kill yourself?' - but in my mind I need to get on that bike to get rid of the lactic acid build-up, surely that will be good right? Woohoo I worked my arse off for 50 minutes...then gingerly walked down the stairs clutching at the railing everytime I had to bend my knees lol.

and then..

Do not go to your reformer pilates and works solidly on your core.

Oh it hurt so good! And it was all fun and games until sunday morning, when I woke up and could barely get out of bed - everytime I got up or sat back down, I had to hold onto something otherwise I would yell out in pain. My quads are killing me.

Did you think I learned anything from that?

This morning (mon) - I hobbled, yes hobbled out of bed, into the car and gingerly walked back up those stairs - clutching the railing all the way to my favourite bike (left in 'my position' - you know you do a lot of spin classes when you have a particular bike and it stays on your setting because you are the only one that sits on it lol) and did it all again at 6am.

ahhh I love exercising. I really do.

p.s - that reminds me... I have to tell you all the most bizarre phone call I had from my mum last week that went..

'Hello Alexis, how are you?'
'Well, having an awful day actually *bursts into tears* - the boys are in a bad mood and we've all been fighting today non-stop'
5 minutes of pat-patting from mum and ssh-sshhing then..
'Oh yes and by the way, I had a facial today from.. a RELATIVE of yours!'
*sound of jaw hitting the floor*
'what the?'
'Oh yes the new beautician at the gym - she is your third cousin - we worked it out while she did my facial. Her great-grandfather is your grandfathers brother..'

My mum hey, the things she finds out. She never fails to amuse me ..

So on saturday -sweaty and hobbling after doing those above mentioned classes - I walked into the beautician and saw her... she said
'oh my god you're so white! You don't look like us at all..'
'no, I don't. But why would I, my father is tongan.. you are Maori'


It turns out she has just moved over from New Zealand and was so excited by the fact that we were related, rang her grandfather at home. Photos are being mailed over from NZ as we speak. See, see nothing bad ever comes from exercising.


Uni stuff - transcribed second interview. Starting to transcribe third interview. Trying to source fourth interview. Freaking out a little bit. Meeting with supervisor tomorrow to pencil in some dates. Last essay ever due in next week. Final placement commences monday.

The weekend thus far..

Yesterday was a lovely day. The sun was shining brightly in Melbourne, it certainly felt like Spring to me. To start off the day, the boys and I had somersaulting competitions! I haven't done a somersault in years, I'd forgotten about the tickle in my stomach as I go upside down - what fun! We could have stayed doing that for most of the day, but I convinced the boys to leave the house to go to a local park for a play, suggesting that we go to kick a ball. I ended up juggling 3 different balls; AFL, soccer and basketball - but it didn't matter, why? Because the sun was shining, the world is brighter and happier when the sun is shining!

A quick trip home for lunch (pitta pizzas) and then quiet time for the boys - which was interrupted by a knock at the door. A girlfriend stopping by for a cup of tea, which was nice as I was able to have a lovely chat - I spoke quite frankly about my fears about the placement, my research and the final months of extreme financial pressure. She tried to give me money to go and get my haircut (I haven't had a haircut for who knows how long), thankful of the offer I refused. A haircut is not essential I said, but she tried to convince me because she believes it will give me an extra spring in my step - make me lighter. What a beautiful friend, huh? I still said no, because I hate owing anybody money and it would be next year before I was able to repay her. When I owe somebody money, it sits there in the corner of my mind, ever present, until I repay it in full. Anyway after a long chat, giggle and a couple of cups of tea - I sent her off and the boys and I got ready for the next adventure of the day...swimming lessons.

Swimming lessons were fun, but they were tinged with a bit of sadness from me. After next week, my mum will take over swimming lesson duty until December. I love watching them at swimming - they adore their teacher and Noah is getting so confident in the water - he was putting his head under water and Jude had his head underwater blowing bubbles while he was kicking with the kickboard. So clever, so clever. Who knows where they'll be at in December when I resume swimming lesson duty? After arriving home, the day was just so beautiful that I sent the boys outside to play while I opened every window in the house to air it. James came home briefly and then left again to tutor, I think he was very sad to leave us - he misses the boys so much.

When he got back - we decided to try out a local community gathering called 'the fish and chip night' - it is run by a local church, they open up their church hall, playground etc - and invite all local families to come with fish and chips and eat with their children. There is a cost to get in but it is minimal. We walked in and immediately ran into 3 different families that we knew and joined one at their table. The set up is absolutely brilliant - they have two adjoining rooms - one set up with craft, the other set up with movies - there is a playground and all has supervisors. Within the hall itself, there was live music, free cordial for the children and many happy families sharing meals and enjoying the night. We had a ball! So did the boys - Jude knew half of the place and Noah, well Noah doesn't need to know anybody - he just wants to join in with the big boys - at 2.5!! Noah called an end to the night at about 7.30pm by declaring he was tired and wanted to go home - but we have absolutely found a monthly event to attend as a family. Have I told you lately how much I love my community?

Today to atone for my sins, I set off to the gym where I did bodypump followed by cycle. OMG - I hadn't done pump for quite a few months as I had been bored - so I was nervous that it was going to hurt.. and boy did it hurt! Song number 2 is the squat track and I had 10kgs on my shoulders as I squatted for 5 1/2 minutes. By song number 4 my upper thighs were uncontrollably shaking, but I battled through it.. just. One hour of continuous weight lifting later, I stumbled in (legs still shaking) to my cycle class - and worked hard again for another 50 minutes. Man it felt goooooood. I'm back on the endorphin bandwagon.

I'll also be doing as much transcribing as possible today.

See I can do homework on a weekend.

Tuesday

So far today I have;

Completed one hard hour of gym - yes I'm back on the saddle again.

Completed my third interview for my research (I would really love to find 3 more participants though - if anybody knows anybody....;) )

Transcribed a whole 10 minutes of my second interview.

House is a mess and there is crap everywhere. I wish I could walk while I transcribe. Then I could attend to the housework.

James is having a failure crisis. He thinks that he is an absolute teaching failure. He isn't I'm sure. He is lovely and gentle and kind. Children will love him, but he just has so little belief in his abilities. While I should continue with this transcribing until my eyes bleed - I'm going to take a break when he gets home and have a cup of tea and really listen to his day. He taught 3 periods today, so will most likely need the debrief and encouragement.

7 days

Since I have been to the gym. Not too bad you might say... EXCEPT that today I am going to all you can eat YUM CHA!!

My pants are getting tighter just thinking about it. I promise I'll go back to the gym monday morning for cycle.

btw - my position on placement is ABI rehab, very excited.

Have a nice weekend...!

a day in the lives...

of a student couple sharing their last child-free day together for six months.

9am - take children to day care.

9.30 - go back to bed.

12.30 - make pizza, and read, read, read trashy novels (me) and serious academic/religious texts (him)

2.30 - drive to Footscray - go to the library and slowly peruse the collection - come away laden with books, cds and dvds

3.30 - go to savers just for a look-see - and see that it is buy 3 pairs of paints for $10!! Buy them and another 2 dresses as well ( all up $27)

4.30 - pick up children - make cup of tea and watch husband cook dinner - open mail to find a Distinction for that awful role play that I mentioned in a previous post....

A luxuriously lazy day. I love holidays. I love holidays. I love holidays.

p.s - I have also been neglecting the gym again this week. What is with me? Am I being self destructive on purpose??

9 days...

Since I have been to the gym. I'm flabbing up, I can just feel it.

Is there anything..[and a quick update]

..more cringe worthy than being forced to record a 10 minute interview which you must review over and over again in order to write a 1000 word critical analysis? And then the final kick in the bum? Sending said DVD with your analysis to your Lecturer so they can watch it too! Horrors of horrors!

Awwwwwful, I can't bear to watch myself. I hate being watched. I find it almost vomit worthy actually. I'm actually wondering whether this is a serious defect within myself. I think it is linked to my confidence or lack thereof, but also the contrived falseness of the situation. What I record and what the lecturers see is NOT what I am like when I am with a client. I know this is a very important thing to do in my profession; observation and critical reflection, but really I'm not sure I will ever be able to be comfortable.

Oh anyway, it was only worth 20 per cent! Anyway onto brighter news. I've finished work for this semester! I still have to continue working however, but this time it is all on my honours from now on. Next week I have to present an hour long lecture to interested parties about what I have done up to now... picture this...'blah blah blah,... nothing nothing nothing' repeat for ONE whole hour, which includes opening up the floor to questioning! Um should I mention my lack of confidence in the paragraph above here. I can talk underwater, and up there I will, but with great big sweat rings appearing in the underarm area and a lot of rabbiting along about nothing - anxious chatter if you will. Then as soon as I've finished I'll sit down and the negative self talk will begin 'that was crap. People are going to know that you are a faker.' and then later on that night in bed I will still be concentrating on something that I said (or didn't whichever the case may be). Can you tell I'm looking forward to this? I'm guessing from reading this back I might need to work on the confidence thing.

Family news - James got an incredibly favourable teaching review back, saying that his calm and soothing style had engaged the children well. Above all he was a kick-arse teacher* Jude is a social butterfly, he had us dragged around to 2 parties over the weekend, there is one this friday and today there were another two invites in his pigeon hole at Kinder. Sheesh kid, not so popular alright, we can't afford all of these presents! Noah-Boah is recovering from some hideous cold which turned secondary and for his illustrous efforts in being unwell, was rewarded with his first prescription of antibiotics. Poor little Boah.

House news - we had the inspection, was told to expect up to a $20 per week rental increase (going up to market rate would have seen this place going up by about $100 a week, and $20 is stretching it a bit for us). We nervously awaited to hear from the real estate about whether we would be offered a new lease...and today we DID! WOOHOOO! One less stress to worry about, we are so chuffed because we adore this area and would be devestated if we had to move. And we only have 4 months of paying higher rent before we graduate and earn income!!

Bogan mobil news - yesterday the brakes failed, yes they bloody well failed! Luckily James was only reversing the car from our house, so there were no children in the car and he was able to safely bring it to a stop. C'mon bogin mobil, get us over the line! Remind me to upload some photos of the state that our bogin mobil is in and see why Jude complains about the stinky old car that he is forced to be a passenger in! Well Jude back in the good old days when you were a baby, we didn't even HAVE a car. In fact we brought you home from hospital by catching a TRAM! HA!

Gymming news - not getting there as much as I would like, but still managing to reduce. I have no idea why. I am still eating chocolate but my new tactic is to eat only dark chocolate as I eat less. Tonight I had some 70 per cent stuff and I only managed to consume a tiny square! This might be the new trick.

Wow, big update and lots of news there. Best be off, I'm doing *stuff* with photos.


* may not have said this in so many words, but the intent was there I'm sure ;) .

The "science" of weight loss

I have really been slacking off in the gym - and food department lately, most likely due to the pointy end of semester.

So this morning before spin I decided to hop on the scales. I expected to find that I had put on a kg or three, but I am still losing? WT?

Speaking of fatty goodness today I have to go shopping for my son's birthday party tomorrow. He is having no less than 17 of his friends (not including siblings) at his party tomorrow and he has asked to have the 'fairy castle' from the Womens Weekly cook book as his cake. My ingredients for the cake look something like this;

1kg butter
2 packets of marshmallows
400g jam rollettes
4 curly wurlies
3 packets of jelly


I am a notorious over caterer, so this year I have tried to limit the food to;

muesli bars (which I have already made)
vegie crudite's and chickpea dip
warm little pizza bits (James' speciality)
fruit platter with strawberry yoghurt dip
cheese and bacon balls (hey, I have to include them - James and I LOVE them)
fairy bread
lemonade (I have been begged for lemonade)

Now to me that doesn't seem enough, but I also don't want to be left with mounds and mounds of food like last year. We have also decided against lolly bags with cheap crappy toys in them. They are so wasteful, so this year I am going to make egg free chocolate fudge cupcakes and decorate them as aliens, wrap them nicely with cellophane and present them to the child when they leave.
I'm no Martha Stewart, but I'll show you the pictures tomorrow regardless of what happens lol.

atonement

..is Body attack. I gasped my way through a gruelling Body Attack tonight with my most favourite instructor. I think I might punish my body in this way every week. Surely it's got to be the thing for increasing my fitness. I could keep up high impact the whole time, EXCEPT for my stoopid feet. Even though I have the inserts from the Podiatrist, I still get the arch pain when I am making movements like 'jacks' or whatever they are called. I might need to call on my foot friend Cylie for further advice.

Not sure if it will equalise all the dirty cadbury eggs I have been scoffing all day.

But when you are reading about miscarriages, death, grief, loss, depression and the like what else can you do? The more I read though, the more I know this topic is incredibly important.
I got the most hilarious text message from my mum who is in Slovenia with James' sister;

'E (James' sister) and Mo (my step-father) are hungover and still
asleep. I'm off to the markets'. LOL

Must of been some wild night there in Bratislava. I'm slightly jealous. I want my mummy home, only a few days to go and she'll be back here safe in Melbourne, the boys miss her so.

Just so there is a bit of everything in this post; another gloat to go along with my academic prize... James was notified today that he got accepted for rent assistance from his uni for the rest of the year (35 bucks a week) added to that he also got given a $500 bursary amount (I have the cheque in my hot little hand) because we are struggling students raising children. James' university has really looked after us. I know the amounts are quite small to most people, but to us it really could make the difference, it just takes a bit of the stress off us.

ok, best to bed.

Mother Darwin...

Ok apart from the things I have stated so far - this is what has gone wrong on mums trip.

• Arrived in France in the middle of the night and forced to stay in a postage stamp sized dump. Some 18 hours later than they were supposed to.
• Missed their train to Lille as nobody told them that Paris was an hour ahead of UK
• Baggage damaged (and who on earth would know WHO did it - considering all the different flights she got on just to get here).
• Moving between terminals in Kuala Lumpur to check in for their flight to Heathrow, they got onto the wrong train - the express into the CBD (roflolololol), mum said as it started to pull away she started howling and saying 'I don't want to stay here' and then under her breath 'this stinky place'. I'm sorry it sounds insentive of me, but I could just picture my parents - the door shutting and then going in the opposite direction and not stopping for 30 minutes. With no further Europe flights leaving until early the next morning, they would have been incredibly anxious waiting to get back to the airport.
• Upon arriving at Lille to pick their car up they were asked to pay approximately $1000 for assurity. Something that they were not told about.

They still have to fly to Slovenia, get to Slovakia and Vienna and then get back to Slovenia for the flight to Helsinki, to the flight to Hong Kong and back to Melbourne. Apparently Mum says she will have a book to write of all the things that have gone wrong, and they are at a point where they are just laughing about things as they happen.

Good news is that they are now situated approximately 2km from Bray - this is where my Great Grandfather won his Victorian Cross. Go here: http://www.victoriacross.org.uk/bbgordon.htm to read about him. Anyway this is the reason that she is there - and I imagine it will be amazing for her - as it is also the 90th anniversary of this battle so there are plenty of people over there. I expect plenty of photos and stories about this place when she gets back. I do hope they are having a great time and eating as much French food as possible on behalf of me.

Somebody asked about how I feel about Anzac day. It's hard because for most of my life I haven't taken it seriously, mostly I used it as an excuse to have a hangover and lay about in bed. Now, maybe because I'm older or because I have children - I do feel quite sombre about it. I never knew my Great Grandfather, so I'm not sure what his position about War or his involvement in it. I don't agree with it and I'm sad that we have to have ANZAC day really, but regardless I still respect what they have done for us and I don't believe anybody should ever forget either. That said, I have never been to a march - but I might consider going with my mother next year because I know how important it is to her.

I'm also incredibly excited for my step-father. He is about to see his sister and his home country (Slovenia) for the first time in 45 years.

In other news;

Gymming? - Yes - yesterday and today. Todays effort included weight training interspersed with skipping just to keep the heart rate sky high.

Uni ? - On track - application done and handed in. I will hear back around May 20 whether my application was acceptable and ethical enough to do lol. I have planned for them to reject it once, but it will be an absolute bonus if it goes through, because then I can start my research a whole month earlier. I will spend this next month on my other work, I still have 3 assignments for my other subjects to do. And to organise my final placement.

Children? - Currently sitting in loungeroom watching television. They are generally exhausted on a thursday after childcare and kinder for 3 days in a row - so we slop around a bit on a thursday. I offered to take them to the beach today but Jude declined (!!). They miss each other so they just want to hang out together. How lovely is that?

James? - He is beautiful. I am thinking, thinking, thinking about what to do for him given that he is working his bum off for us. He is barely ever home, but when he is - he encourages me to get out and exercise, go out etc. And he is off feeding mum's animals twice a day no matter what. He is such a beautiful man. I can't wait to have a little bit of spare money where I can show I appreciate him.

OK, best go - children might get square eyes, Motherguilt is kicking in.

second verse, same as the first...

Yes,

I still sit here - trying to finish off my ethics application - it is due to my supervisor tomorrow and I still have this to finish;

• think of a title - though atm I have 'Miscarriage: Women's experience of hospital treatment' or maybe 'Miscarriage: how do hospitals respond' -though I think the second one might cause us a bit of an issue.
• explanatory statment - this is a biggie
• finish 4.2 (c) of the consent form
• finish 4.8 and 4.9 of Form P
• and complete section six (6.1-6.6) of the actual form.

Considering I had 8 tasks to do yesterday - I am happy with the rate of work I am completing. And this is just the first draft, that goes to Cathi. The actual form isn't submitted to the committee until the 23rd of April, but that is 3-4 copies plus all the other crap associated with it.

I have been a busy about the research. I rang SANDS last week and spoke to a lovely lady there who has happily accepted me to place them as a support network for my participants if necessary. She also offered herself as a potential participant if I was interested. Heck I really could have interviewed many women over - so many people are interested in this research. Scary, I hope I can do it justice. I have also been gratned permission by the administrator of EB to place a recruitment advertisement to seek participants, but i have to wait for ethics approval first. Which Cathi tells me, might take UNTIL JUNE!

Another important note to make, is that this is only Honours, I need to stop stressing so much about getting it all perfect. This is a big subject area, and not a lot is known at present, I need to be mindful of this as the first step in scratching the surface. If I so chose, I could go on to critically analyse the hospital procedures in place for this event. But we'll see what comes out of the research first.

In other news; I am back at the gym with vengance! I have a new form of attack - heavy weight lifting with a boxing circuit on either side on my resistance training days. Because lets face facts, I hate the treadmill and find the cardio room quite boring, but I know I have to keep up the cardio for weight loss, so I am hoping that boxing ticks all the boxes for me in that regard. I am also mindful of my food intake again (though I will just add here that on sunday I made a banoffee cheesecake and dear lord it was delicious!).

My mum flew up to Darwin last night because my brother is in ICU with a collapsed lung, hope everything is alright up there A? My mum flies back on thursday morning and then she is out again on sunday afternoon going to Paris and Slovenia/Slovakia. Lucky woman! We do get to borrow her car for the time she is away though, woot! No bogan mobiles for us.

We are incredibly busy here for the next couple of weeks. As I mentioned mum is leaving, as well as that - I have a couple of friends arriving in Melbourne this weekend - and a group of us are getting together to wine and dine and I cannot wait, I am so very excited. Especially considering these people were the unfortunate witnesses to the dirtiness played out the other week at the V, and we've managed to reconnect anyway :). Then next weekend, James' sisters are coming to visit our children for the weekend, so that will be good for the boys and them as Jude hasn't seen his aunty H for almost 3 years and Noah has never met her. Yet Jude asks about her all the time and wants to send stuff to her. It will be a lovely weekend for them all.

Anyway, enough procrastinating. Must get back to this blasted work. Gee I hope it is all worth it.

My weekend

I went to a divorce (or freedom) party last night. I think I might have celebrated the divorce a little too much.

I'm still struggling to write this damn essay being critical about myself with regard to confrontation and challenging. But I take heart that it is only 1000 words and there is no need for academic references.

I'm still thinking about my thesis topic and hoping my supervisor sees the same glimmer that I do. Hopefully she replies tomorrow with her opinion. Putting two very emotive, taboo, women centred subjects together for research, am I insane?

James has pulled into the driveway with the kids, I have to sign off so it looks like I am working.

Hope everyone else has had a nice weekend (hey I can live in hope someone may come across this, right?)

Confessions from a lazy fat arse who eats her son's chocolate

Gymming - 7am for program re-write (and I told them to make it harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd, what the fuck was I thinking?).



Chocolate - Yes today stealing little bits of Jude's. Sorry Jude.

What I think about on the treadmill...

Today I went to the gym. Woohoo! And yes, I ate chocolate too. But most importantly, whilst on the treadmill I had a moment of clarity;

See I've been at a dead end, so to speak, for the last couple of weeks with regard to my Honours topic. I know I want to know about Women's experiences of miscarriage, but how to define it. Something which I keep coming back to (and am having difficulty with processing given that I am very much pro-choice) is the differences between what occurs for a women when undergoing a miscarriage and when having an abortion. See if you have an abortion, it is mandatory that you receive counselling before making the decision. So you have to have counselling to help you decide if you want to terminate a pregnancy, yet when you miscarry a baby that you actually want - to my knowledge there is no mandatory counselling. Why is that? I'm sure given the numbers of miscarrying that economically the answer is not to provide counselling sessions for all. But from a feminist perspective, does forcing people to submit to counselling before their decision to abort is accepted show that women are not to be trusted with their decision making. Likewise, why is the possiblity of women experiencing grief after suffering a miscarriage seemingly ignored.

So yes, I thought considering this is on my mind so much - the intersection btw miscarriage and abortion, why not change my topic somewhat to examine and contrast women's treatment experiences of miscarriage and abortion? So I might shoot off an email to my supervisor and see what she says? She'll probably say... 'Alexis, great idea... for a PhD!'.

I don't know.. I just think it is an angle worthy for discussion, you know. Because there are a lot of similarities. D&C for mc and D&C for abortion are given the same medicare number, and the medical terminology uses abortion for both of these things...so it might be an interesting concept?

The other thing I have noticed is that this topic is quite taboo. Not many people talk about it. Almost every single person I have told about this topic has come forward and had a story, either their own or someone they know. Women in particular have felt this affinity with this topic, which has reinforced the importance of it.

Anyway. Lets hope I get that bloody question sorted, hey?