tofu

Still feeling a little overwhelmed by my workload but two very important things have happened in the last 24 hours..

My fifth interview;

This is what it is about. Being entrusted to hear someones personal story - it really brought the end goal back into sharp focus. I am so grateful and privileged to hear these women's stories and I only hope that I am able to do the justice that this story deserves. Also, it just reinforced the themes that I had already gathered from my other interviews. This stuff needs to be told. I just need to remember this when the going gets tough.

My supervisor;

Today my uni supervisor came into my workplace and took me for lunch - her treat. We spent over an hour talking through some things - and I think I might share them here with you. First of all she wanted to know if I had recovered from my angst, or whether I was just *pretending* that I had recovered? Hmm interesting question I said. I replied that I thought I had recovered, but it was just so hard to tell - because I am an angsty person in general - like I worry about things I have no control over and I am more anxious than the average Joe. She then mentioned that throughout the year she has noticed me making a number of comments when talking about further study (ie - PhD) that I always say 'oh that is James' domain' or 'I always get James to read over it, he is the smart one' or comments to that effect. This is the up/down side of having a SW for a supervisor.. LOL. She wanted to know whether this pattern of thinking dominated in any way.

And well, yes. It does.

I couldn't hide it from her any longer. The following jumble fell from my mouth in a virtual heap on the table next to the tofu/eggplant/couscous/sweet potato deliciousness that we were stuffing our faces with;

1.My complex family history - disjointed. Grew up feeling like a failure, told I was a failure.
2.I had my first baby - and the failure feeling magnified to a point where I considered everybody to be much better off without me.
3.Starting SW and during my developmental subject making this horrid realisation that it wasn't normal to being gripped with terror whenever I left the house and having a *wee* breakdown in 2004.
4.Having therapy and making connections to point 1 +2 + 3. Such a major day, that one. The psychologist forced me to yell out what I felt described myself and the overwhelming theme was 'useless'. So many tissues were used as that little realisation came to a head. Good god, that is the theme I had lived my life to. It was awful, awful, gut wrenching - still is to realise this is my schema.
5.Our work together made a lot of ground and I recovered somewhat, but unfortunately this will be a life long battle. And as I said to my lunch companion today, this is my schema. This is the recording in my head. It is something I have to battle each and every day. I seem to cover it well though. I present as a confident and competent woman who knows what she is talking about and where it's at. But underneath that veneer, is someone who is waiting for someone to out her for the fake that she is.

And when I said all of that.. I though *shit* should I have just let it all out like that? Why did I do that? Nothing like a bit of therapy with my tofu I guess.

She then recounted a time when a couple of months ago her and another lecturer were chatting in front of me and they both agreed that they would be very happy for me to see their children as a sw and I apparently looked at her with utter disbelief. I couldn't believe that they thought so highly of me.

And so after some more talk about my study/placement/life in general - we shared anecdotes of mother-guilt, catholic guilt and just guilt in general (I've probably mentioned it here too - it is the one emotion I feel every waking moment), we languished in the sun and promised that every supervision session should be like this, though I said a glass of wine would complement the session to no end, but imagine the confessions that would come rolling out then!!! So with a sense of resignation we finished up our lunch and I went back to work. As soon as we parted the self-doubt began to creep in. What was I doing telling her these things? What does she think of me now? Am I just a navel-gazing twit who needs to just get on, with getting on? What made me just expose my vunerability so easily, to someone I respect and admire so much? Who I consider to be a friend?

Only time will tell I guess...