Last week

Well the weeks just keep on rolling by don't they? When you are busy like us, they just seem to go so quickly! All of a sudden it is the weekend again. blink, then it is monday. Our family is doing this special little hibernation thing on the weekend where we just huddle together at home with some movies and veg out. I think this might be a reaction to our busy, busy weekday activities. Jude and Noah just want to hang out with their father, play silly games - giggle and cuddle up. Motherguilt creeps in right about there. Even though I can see that they are having fun, enjoying just being with us - I still feel guilt, that we should be doing 'more' to entertain them.

Ahh - good old motherguilt. I have had this affliction since approximately May 13th, 2003. I think it is worse because I study, because I constantly feel guilty about everything;
- not enough money.
- putting them in childcare just so I can study
- trying to work on the computer when they need me.
- not enough money.
- James and I being strung right out because of the stress of money, study and children rolled together.

Which brings me to another personal topic. The final point is something that happens a little too often in our house. We have a lot on our plates (study wise), I mean who else out there has BOTH parents studying full time? I have the added pressure of the thesis and placement juggle, whilst James is doing this accelerated course which requires him away from home 5 full days a week and forces him to work 4 nights a week to provide income so we can survive. So that is what we start with, stressed yourself yet? Then add financial juggling - we have enough to pay our bills and that is it. James seems to cope ok with that, but I just about have palpitations just thinking about how soon we could go to the wall if an emergency comes up. I'm constantly worried about our housing situation - probably too anxious if you asked him, because if we had to move in the next six months in this climate, I'm not sure where we would end up. I worry and track and budget a lot. I am the financial person in the house. So I bring all of this anxiety with me to the table.

But where are the children you ask? Oh they are there. This is just the thought process that carries me through the day. So we have all this rumbling anxiety, nausea inducing fear, stress, expectations as well as the massive workload that we face. And then we have the children. I don't want them to see all these negative feelings, so I try with all my might to become a stepford wife; calm, rational, understanding, jolly and serene. This facade cracks more than I'd like it to, however. I feel like my children deserve more than this.

Oh yes, so where was I? I was leading this up to something, yes thats right -the effects upon my marriage. For five years we have been living like this, me in a constant state of alertness - my partner guilty about every cent he doesn't have, sewing up holes in his jeans for the twentieth time, while also trying to keep his high grades so he can access scholarships, courses and the best jobs. Being a magnificent father - coming home after being at uni, teaching and tutoring and washing the dishes, cooking dinner or whatever else he can see needs doing. He is fabulous. But the pressure swirling inside of me needs release and invariably for some perceived slight I will snap at him, because it is better to let him have it, rather than anyone else right? For a great portion of the time he is undeserving of criticism. Undeserving of mistreatment by me. But I snap and snarl about the most mundane and ridiculous things. And then the guilt sets in. Can you tell I was raised catholic? I have a very good serving of the catholic guilt entrenched in me.

But he forgives me. He understands. I try to ignore his hurt face because to recognise this, would threaten guilt to overpower me. He has it hard, just as hard as me - we are together in this, he is not my enemy. I must remember this - but I always forget.

So all of this very honest talk here, leads me to the little 'pop' of a thought that entered my head last week which I did not invite. A scary thought that took me into the future - where as a consequence of the stress and pressure that we have been under - the fallout of finishing, created an avalanche of issues which culminated in a marriage breakup. Just writing this makes tears well up, because I love this man to death. But, I don't think I show it enough and that glimpse scared the life out of me.

So please August, September, October, November and December - hurry up - come quickly, do your thing and get the hell out of here. I'm tired and weary and I'm scared because I don't want that thought to become a reality. I need money to feel safe. I need security. I'm scared that our marriage will suffer from General adaptation syndrome (people with psych background will understand what I am talking about...) when the pressure drops a little next year.

And I hope anyone reading this, didn't expect to come here to be brightened up today - I so needed to get that off my chest.

I'm not nervous..

No, not at all *clutching stomach in fear*.

I need participants, and at this point I have none! My supervisor has full faith that I will find participants, but I am not so sure. Melbourne women, where are you?

My placement is pretty much set in stone to be at a private hospital. I really wanted women's but there is nothing I can do about it. I have to look at the bright side - I (hopefully) will learn plenty just being within a hospital, and it gives me great experience for when I go to apply for jobs in the next six months!

James has started back at uni - so we are back to him being largely at uni/work - 5 days per week. He also starts today at his school placement, so I am looking forward to hearing all about it - considering he has been placed at one of the top schools in the state.

I'll come back and talk about the boys in a little while. xx

breathe in..breathe out

oh dear. I'm scared. Officially terrified.

The ball has started to roll with the research. I expect my recruitment advertising to begin very soon. s.h.i.t.

Fingers crossed I get enough participants, fingers crossed I don't get too many! eek. eek. eek.

14th July.

Day one of my final semester......! wooohoooooooooooooo!

Best do some work, lol.

only in Darwin...

http://www.ntnews.com.au/article/2008/07/11/4639_ntnews.html

When I read stuff like this, I actually miss the place lol.

Like sand through the long-grass ...
ALYSSA BETTS
July 11th, 2008

A TERRITORY man has bought new meaning to the phrase daytime telly. It was a great day to enjoy the sun yesterday and enterprising local Robert Ahwong, 64, has been making the most of it in the middle of Palmerston's Goyder Square.Mr Ahwong has been keeping shoppers and office workers agog in the past couple of days by plugging his television into a power outlet on a street lamp -- right in the middle of the busy precinct."I've got the best lounge room in the world,'' he said.The long-grasser had found himself in a spot of difficulty earlier this week when the generator for his TV broke.No worries mate.He popped his 74cm screen, video player and extension cord into his Coles shopping trolley, chucked in a couple of videos -- Men in Black and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets -- and wheeled down to the square."I bring my little TV down and sit down and have a little sleep,'' he said.The Borroloola man was yesterday settling back watching a re-run of SeaChange, starring David Wenham and Sigrid Thornton, with 28-year-old nephew Ian Byres, fromDaly River. The girls from the Elders real estate office just next door took a shine to their mobile couch potato andran over a bag of hotbuttered popcorn.Property consultant Trish McClelland said the looks of passing pedestrians was a "hoot''."Some joined in and watched telly with him -- some of the kids -- he'd have a chat and a natter with them,'' she said."It was quite nice to watch, and no one was going to move him because he wasn't upsetting anyone."It is just so uncanny -- it can only happen up here.''

woohooo..!

Dear Researchers,This is to advise that the Standing Committee on Ethics in
Research involving Humans (SCERH) has approved the above project. Please find
attached your approval letter for this study and ensure you comply with the
Terms of Approval outlined in the letter.

wooohooo! And so now onto the research, scary, scary stuff!

I also got my marks today - I've dropped a bit in average - but I guess that has to do with the extra pressures of the honours component (which is was graded as PGO anyway!!) - anyway I got a credit for community work (68 - not all that happy with it - but it is due to only getting a credit for my essay worth 80 per cent) and distinction for cross cultural sw (76). Unfortunately this might bring my average down which could affect my honours mark. I had been sitting on a 79 average. Oh well, this thesis better kick arse.

Our heater isn't working here atm. My god, it is so freezing - we are waiting for the clock to tick 9am before we ring our real estate agents, why do things always break down when you most need them? Dead of winter - ducted heating decides to fail.

a day in the lives...

of a student couple sharing their last child-free day together for six months.

9am - take children to day care.

9.30 - go back to bed.

12.30 - make pizza, and read, read, read trashy novels (me) and serious academic/religious texts (him)

2.30 - drive to Footscray - go to the library and slowly peruse the collection - come away laden with books, cds and dvds

3.30 - go to savers just for a look-see - and see that it is buy 3 pairs of paints for $10!! Buy them and another 2 dresses as well ( all up $27)

4.30 - pick up children - make cup of tea and watch husband cook dinner - open mail to find a Distinction for that awful role play that I mentioned in a previous post....

A luxuriously lazy day. I love holidays. I love holidays. I love holidays.

p.s - I have also been neglecting the gym again this week. What is with me? Am I being self destructive on purpose??

dreaming

Let me just start off by saying that I don't actually have memorable dreams much. I've had a handful of recurring dreams, especially when I was younger - but maybe once every couple of months I will wake up and remember a dream from the night before. Generally they are sad and I wake myself crying.

But not last night. Last night I had a beautiful, beautiful dream. I was pregnant - nobody was around and I remember feeling a pressure, uncomfortable and that labour might be soon. I stood up and walked outside and felt immense pressure - pressure like the baby was starting to descend into the birth canal. I sat down, leaning back upon my feet and looked down and saw that my baby was about to crown so I put my hands down and helped to guide the babies head out. The babies eyes were wide open facing me and its neck was flexed trying to see what was going on. It was very quickly born and I looked down and saw it was a little girl. My heart lept with joy. I stood up carefully, aware of the unbilical cord and waddled off to get some assistance with the placenta. But there was nobody around, I felt crampy and knew the placenta was coming so put my baby girl to my breast to help it along.

I woke and told James about this very vivid dream. He was disappointed that he didn't feature and was very interested in the finer details of what she looked like (she was big and had no hair!! - but had the same massive eyes as her brothers). Then he told me about his dream of the night - in which I admitted to him that I would most likely cheat on him! Just a dream James, just a dream!

In other news, our house is pretty sick at the moment. I've woken up with a very sore throat, so looks like I'm next dammit! James and I are enjoying our last week of holidays together - he has been asked to work for one week at the old school he was employed at last year. So the poor thing will be losing on of his uni holiday weeks. He will using the weeks employment to network and find out about the possiblity of securing a graduate position there for next year. Also in other news regarding James... he has been advised of next semesters placement. He has been placed in one of the top state schools in Victoria! I wonder how different it will be to where he was placed during the first six months of the year (a school in a very low socio-economic area).

Also as you can see from my previous entry - placement selection is also upon me. Negotiations are still taking place for my much wanted placement at RWH - but I have to face facts that I am not likely to get it. I have decided though that above all, I want to be placed at a hospital. So I'm also looking at a Cancer hospital, neuropsychiatry and a private hospital. I want the hospital experience above all. Applications are due next week and by the end of this month, I will know where I am going. Very, very exciting!

placements...

I've just received an excel spreadsheet detailing all the possible offers for my final placement this year. Is it terrible to admit that none of them really interest me?

I want the RWH. I want the RWH. Why does it have to be a Melbourne uni hospital?

if you can't tell...

I'm on holidays - 3 posts in 24 hours lol.

I just wanted to quickly add that I have my first comments back from my supervisor and this is what she had to say;

Hi, I have just had a quick scan of this (I find it much easier to mark in
hard copy - allows the reader to get a sense of the whole document). But my
initial thoughts are that it is an excellent beginning - more than a draft! You
will need to work out summarising some of your ideas and perhaps the discussion
of invisibility might be better placed in the introduction.

I'm pretty chuffed - it means I can relax that little bit more. The end is in sight, the end is in sight.

This photo

Does any one photo make you ache for another baby? I'm going to add in two of Noah that just make me want another... I dare you not to have the same feeling.

and just in the spirit of fairness - here are some of Jude that also make my heart sing.

I'm so NOT done yet.