Last week

Well the weeks just keep on rolling by don't they? When you are busy like us, they just seem to go so quickly! All of a sudden it is the weekend again. blink, then it is monday. Our family is doing this special little hibernation thing on the weekend where we just huddle together at home with some movies and veg out. I think this might be a reaction to our busy, busy weekday activities. Jude and Noah just want to hang out with their father, play silly games - giggle and cuddle up. Motherguilt creeps in right about there. Even though I can see that they are having fun, enjoying just being with us - I still feel guilt, that we should be doing 'more' to entertain them.

Ahh - good old motherguilt. I have had this affliction since approximately May 13th, 2003. I think it is worse because I study, because I constantly feel guilty about everything;
- not enough money.
- putting them in childcare just so I can study
- trying to work on the computer when they need me.
- not enough money.
- James and I being strung right out because of the stress of money, study and children rolled together.

Which brings me to another personal topic. The final point is something that happens a little too often in our house. We have a lot on our plates (study wise), I mean who else out there has BOTH parents studying full time? I have the added pressure of the thesis and placement juggle, whilst James is doing this accelerated course which requires him away from home 5 full days a week and forces him to work 4 nights a week to provide income so we can survive. So that is what we start with, stressed yourself yet? Then add financial juggling - we have enough to pay our bills and that is it. James seems to cope ok with that, but I just about have palpitations just thinking about how soon we could go to the wall if an emergency comes up. I'm constantly worried about our housing situation - probably too anxious if you asked him, because if we had to move in the next six months in this climate, I'm not sure where we would end up. I worry and track and budget a lot. I am the financial person in the house. So I bring all of this anxiety with me to the table.

But where are the children you ask? Oh they are there. This is just the thought process that carries me through the day. So we have all this rumbling anxiety, nausea inducing fear, stress, expectations as well as the massive workload that we face. And then we have the children. I don't want them to see all these negative feelings, so I try with all my might to become a stepford wife; calm, rational, understanding, jolly and serene. This facade cracks more than I'd like it to, however. I feel like my children deserve more than this.

Oh yes, so where was I? I was leading this up to something, yes thats right -the effects upon my marriage. For five years we have been living like this, me in a constant state of alertness - my partner guilty about every cent he doesn't have, sewing up holes in his jeans for the twentieth time, while also trying to keep his high grades so he can access scholarships, courses and the best jobs. Being a magnificent father - coming home after being at uni, teaching and tutoring and washing the dishes, cooking dinner or whatever else he can see needs doing. He is fabulous. But the pressure swirling inside of me needs release and invariably for some perceived slight I will snap at him, because it is better to let him have it, rather than anyone else right? For a great portion of the time he is undeserving of criticism. Undeserving of mistreatment by me. But I snap and snarl about the most mundane and ridiculous things. And then the guilt sets in. Can you tell I was raised catholic? I have a very good serving of the catholic guilt entrenched in me.

But he forgives me. He understands. I try to ignore his hurt face because to recognise this, would threaten guilt to overpower me. He has it hard, just as hard as me - we are together in this, he is not my enemy. I must remember this - but I always forget.

So all of this very honest talk here, leads me to the little 'pop' of a thought that entered my head last week which I did not invite. A scary thought that took me into the future - where as a consequence of the stress and pressure that we have been under - the fallout of finishing, created an avalanche of issues which culminated in a marriage breakup. Just writing this makes tears well up, because I love this man to death. But, I don't think I show it enough and that glimpse scared the life out of me.

So please August, September, October, November and December - hurry up - come quickly, do your thing and get the hell out of here. I'm tired and weary and I'm scared because I don't want that thought to become a reality. I need money to feel safe. I need security. I'm scared that our marriage will suffer from General adaptation syndrome (people with psych background will understand what I am talking about...) when the pressure drops a little next year.

And I hope anyone reading this, didn't expect to come here to be brightened up today - I so needed to get that off my chest.