one day down...

I have barely any time.. but I thought I would quickly tell you all about my placement.

Amazing, life saving, terrifying, so many acronyms to learn, very respectful multi-disciplinary teamwork, the steepest learning curve that I have ever undertaken, enthusiasm for students (by all of the medical and allied health team), puzzling short-hand in patient files about accident and injuries, patients and their families, cage beds that look quite confronting, coma scales, variations of head injuries, complex psychosocial backgrounds, meetings, meetings, meetings, trying to remember any of the hundred people I met yesterday, working out that the chain of command registrar to consultant.

By 3pm my brain hurt. I was home by 5.40pm and dozing on the couch by 8.30 - nevemind that I have an essay due on wednesday. So verdict after day one? An excellent placement that will be challenging but very supportive.

Saturday...what a beautiful day

The sun is shining, the birds are singing... I did my 4th interview this morning so I can officially commence my research - WOOHOO! I came home and then went to the gym and worked really hard and now I am sitting here waiting for Rach to pick me up so we can go to my favourite shop, Savers in Foot-es-cray. One day when I have some time, I will photograph all of my dresses that I have managed to buy from there. I'm actually going there today to scout for something for James for fathers day and I'm taking my "fashion forward" friend to help me work out what to get that he might like - champagne looks on a beer budget indeed ;0.

I start my placement on monday ----- eek! Scared shitless I am. Seriously. Practically my first week will be taken up with meetings of all the other allied health staff there etc. A good friend lent me a book called 'Watermelon' by Ruth Ritchie (sorry can't find a link) as it deals with a person who has an ABI and goes into rehab. Very interesting and has given me a taste perhaps of what is to come. To say I am in for a challenge may indeed be an understatement.

One way I can tell I've come out of hibernation, I've shaved my legs - there was only 5 months worth of growth there ;) and I've given up trying to save up for an eyebrow wax and plucked it myself, my eyebrows don't look too bad either!

Ciao - hope the weekend is as shiny as ours will be..

science by a 5 year old.. and other such stories.

Yesterday while taking a shower with his father, Jude began to discuss how rain is made. J felt quite happy to be the recipient of the conversation and began to plan in his head how he could explain evaporation etc in 5 year old language. But this stopped him in his tracks;


Do you know how rain is made Daddy? Rain comes out of very big dick up in the sky. It comes out yellow and then as it goes through the clouds, the yellow becomes clear. And then it falls as rain.

Oh dear!!

Still on the glorious 5 year old, he had his first integration day at primary school today. So very exciting but another mother leaned over to me and said 'Oh Alexis, you are SO going to be the mother that bawls on the first day', not sure how she came up with that.. it could have been as I fumbled over the school uniform - confused, muddled and not sure what I should put an order in for, or even the size. He is already in size 6 here so do I order a size 8??!! EEEK. Luckily I'm surrounded by parents I know and he was grouped with at least 7 of his friends.

I'm also going to be frank here and admit that I am struggling somewhat with some aspects of parenting such a strong willed five year old. He has taken to being angry and expressing that emotion in ways which are not acceptable. Unfortunately he has been squaring this mostly towards me. Like violent threats that he will hit me and that he hates me. I'm trying to skill up on how best to react to it, because I have been reacting but it's just not working so well. Last night after I put them to bed, I drank 2 glasses of wine in quick succession and cried alone as James was out tutoring. I just felt like a failure as a Mother, but I think the tears were a combination of the earlier car troubles, the fear of placement, the research and the uni work I have to do, money stress - you know all the usual things.. and then on top of it, to find that I seem to be doing a less than stellar job raising my children just made me crumble. I almost want to be out of the house five days a week - but the thought also terrifies me... a bit of a jumble there. He never, ever speaks like that to anybody else - his kinder/childcare etc tell me constantly how beautiful he is - sweet, kind etc.

Anyway.

The bogan mobil saga is still ongoing. It didn't start at all yesterday afternoon and remained parked outside of childcare. My stepfather (who owns the car) came over last night after work and went to have a look. He came back muttering something about head gasket (and I know nothing about cars, but even I understood that to be $$$$$$$), so felt sick with worry about it. James had to tutor so we rang a good friend who lives about 1km away and thankfully she lent us her car. Later when he got home, he and my step-father went back and managed to get it home - apparently blah-blah-blah isn't connected to blah-blah-blah (see told you I have NO idea). James believes he may be able to fix it this afternoon, which would be nice as he has to tutor tonight - this time out in Taylors Lakes.

The same friend who lent us the car chatted with me last night and made a very insightful remark about me. I have been thinking about ever since and I think she is absolutely right - and might be at the crux of what eats me up. We all worry a bit, yeah? We budget, we anticipate etc. Well see now I do that constantly. I catastrophise. I carry everything on my shoulders - and I try to think about every single way a situation could turn out and make a plan for it. For example; the other day my parents were advised that their house is going to be sold (they rent) - I went into overdrive, constantly thinking about what would occur, my brain ticking over about where they would live- worry, worry, worry. Meanwhile; they are not worried. So the car business - it didn't start yesterday morning - I began to worry about our income and started planning about how we could make ends meet and anticipating - perhaps too many steps ahead? I don't know how better to describe it, but all in all it makes me a nervous wreck if too many things pile onto me. Last night I began to have a panic attack; something which I haven't experienced for a year or two. Today I woke up with aching shoulders, neck and headache - the physical reminders of my stress.

wow that was just a purge of my feelings, wasn't it?

Anyway I'll round it up with some good news.. my supervisor wants me to think about sending a summary of my research to all of the SW depts in the hospitals and again brought up the possibility of publishing a paper in a journal, an australian health one to capture all health professionals. eek. Key theme in my research findings thus far... INVISIBILITY, lack of acknowledgement. Invisibility is such an interesting finding because it was a major part of my literature review .. and as a participant so cleverly stated.. 'we're not here for a pap smear you know!'

Off to keep working.. this is my last child free day before my placement starts on monday.
xx

bogan mobil - 1 Alexis - 0

It was raining this morning, so instead of walking the 500m to Kinder - I got into the car, drive there ..drop off etc etc. It's peak hour there too, cars coming and going and coming and going with a kinder and childcare centre side by side. I walk out - start the car - it starts.. it shudders.. it stops....

It is just cold, I reason.

I turn the key.. it starts..it shudders..it stops.

FUCK. Fuck.FUCK.

I turn the key.. it shudders...it stops.

I'm around the corner from home thank christ, because I have zilcho idea about cars - James is on his way to his work as well as Mum and Mario. All the concerned parents look on and ask me if I want a lift home, and slightly ashamed I admit that I only live around the corner, but I drove because it was raining.. HONEST!

So somehow I have to beg the magic fairies to fix this car before tonight, because James tutors at Point Cook and if he doesn't work, we don't get paid and we need every single cent at the moment.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

C'mon trusty Bogan Mobil - show us what you're made of.

first day of spring...!

A word of warning.

Never, ever do a pump class after not attending for a few months, believing because you have been weight lifting during that time, that you can continue with the weights that you had lifted some months previously in pump. Because come song number two - the squat track, you will be squatting with 10kgs on your back for 5 and a half minutes non-stop. For the rest of the lesson my legs shook uncontrollably, so much so that I couldn't do dead-lifts etc.

and then...

Do not stumble from that class across the hall to a cycle class - where even the teacher looks amazed as you walk in and asks 'are you trying to kill yourself?' - but in my mind I need to get on that bike to get rid of the lactic acid build-up, surely that will be good right? Woohoo I worked my arse off for 50 minutes...then gingerly walked down the stairs clutching at the railing everytime I had to bend my knees lol.

and then..

Do not go to your reformer pilates and works solidly on your core.

Oh it hurt so good! And it was all fun and games until sunday morning, when I woke up and could barely get out of bed - everytime I got up or sat back down, I had to hold onto something otherwise I would yell out in pain. My quads are killing me.

Did you think I learned anything from that?

This morning (mon) - I hobbled, yes hobbled out of bed, into the car and gingerly walked back up those stairs - clutching the railing all the way to my favourite bike (left in 'my position' - you know you do a lot of spin classes when you have a particular bike and it stays on your setting because you are the only one that sits on it lol) and did it all again at 6am.

ahhh I love exercising. I really do.

p.s - that reminds me... I have to tell you all the most bizarre phone call I had from my mum last week that went..

'Hello Alexis, how are you?'
'Well, having an awful day actually *bursts into tears* - the boys are in a bad mood and we've all been fighting today non-stop'
5 minutes of pat-patting from mum and ssh-sshhing then..
'Oh yes and by the way, I had a facial today from.. a RELATIVE of yours!'
*sound of jaw hitting the floor*
'what the?'
'Oh yes the new beautician at the gym - she is your third cousin - we worked it out while she did my facial. Her great-grandfather is your grandfathers brother..'

My mum hey, the things she finds out. She never fails to amuse me ..

So on saturday -sweaty and hobbling after doing those above mentioned classes - I walked into the beautician and saw her... she said
'oh my god you're so white! You don't look like us at all..'
'no, I don't. But why would I, my father is tongan.. you are Maori'


It turns out she has just moved over from New Zealand and was so excited by the fact that we were related, rang her grandfather at home. Photos are being mailed over from NZ as we speak. See, see nothing bad ever comes from exercising.


Uni stuff - transcribed second interview. Starting to transcribe third interview. Trying to source fourth interview. Freaking out a little bit. Meeting with supervisor tomorrow to pencil in some dates. Last essay ever due in next week. Final placement commences monday.

The weekend thus far..

Yesterday was a lovely day. The sun was shining brightly in Melbourne, it certainly felt like Spring to me. To start off the day, the boys and I had somersaulting competitions! I haven't done a somersault in years, I'd forgotten about the tickle in my stomach as I go upside down - what fun! We could have stayed doing that for most of the day, but I convinced the boys to leave the house to go to a local park for a play, suggesting that we go to kick a ball. I ended up juggling 3 different balls; AFL, soccer and basketball - but it didn't matter, why? Because the sun was shining, the world is brighter and happier when the sun is shining!

A quick trip home for lunch (pitta pizzas) and then quiet time for the boys - which was interrupted by a knock at the door. A girlfriend stopping by for a cup of tea, which was nice as I was able to have a lovely chat - I spoke quite frankly about my fears about the placement, my research and the final months of extreme financial pressure. She tried to give me money to go and get my haircut (I haven't had a haircut for who knows how long), thankful of the offer I refused. A haircut is not essential I said, but she tried to convince me because she believes it will give me an extra spring in my step - make me lighter. What a beautiful friend, huh? I still said no, because I hate owing anybody money and it would be next year before I was able to repay her. When I owe somebody money, it sits there in the corner of my mind, ever present, until I repay it in full. Anyway after a long chat, giggle and a couple of cups of tea - I sent her off and the boys and I got ready for the next adventure of the day...swimming lessons.

Swimming lessons were fun, but they were tinged with a bit of sadness from me. After next week, my mum will take over swimming lesson duty until December. I love watching them at swimming - they adore their teacher and Noah is getting so confident in the water - he was putting his head under water and Jude had his head underwater blowing bubbles while he was kicking with the kickboard. So clever, so clever. Who knows where they'll be at in December when I resume swimming lesson duty? After arriving home, the day was just so beautiful that I sent the boys outside to play while I opened every window in the house to air it. James came home briefly and then left again to tutor, I think he was very sad to leave us - he misses the boys so much.

When he got back - we decided to try out a local community gathering called 'the fish and chip night' - it is run by a local church, they open up their church hall, playground etc - and invite all local families to come with fish and chips and eat with their children. There is a cost to get in but it is minimal. We walked in and immediately ran into 3 different families that we knew and joined one at their table. The set up is absolutely brilliant - they have two adjoining rooms - one set up with craft, the other set up with movies - there is a playground and all has supervisors. Within the hall itself, there was live music, free cordial for the children and many happy families sharing meals and enjoying the night. We had a ball! So did the boys - Jude knew half of the place and Noah, well Noah doesn't need to know anybody - he just wants to join in with the big boys - at 2.5!! Noah called an end to the night at about 7.30pm by declaring he was tired and wanted to go home - but we have absolutely found a monthly event to attend as a family. Have I told you lately how much I love my community?

Today to atone for my sins, I set off to the gym where I did bodypump followed by cycle. OMG - I hadn't done pump for quite a few months as I had been bored - so I was nervous that it was going to hurt.. and boy did it hurt! Song number 2 is the squat track and I had 10kgs on my shoulders as I squatted for 5 1/2 minutes. By song number 4 my upper thighs were uncontrollably shaking, but I battled through it.. just. One hour of continuous weight lifting later, I stumbled in (legs still shaking) to my cycle class - and worked hard again for another 50 minutes. Man it felt goooooood. I'm back on the endorphin bandwagon.

I'll also be doing as much transcribing as possible today.

See I can do homework on a weekend.

I did take that break..

And just to let you all know, James had a wonderful day. He was very happy with his teaching and he spoke to his supervisor who told him that it is normal to feel like a fraud for the first two years ROFLOL.

Unfortunately due to that break, I have only managed 12 minutes transcribing lol. But I'm back onto it again.

For Sharon who asked about my criteria it is open to;

Women aged over 18 who attended a Melbourne hospital between July 2006 and December 2007 to seek treatment or advice for a miscarriage in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy.

If you know anybody who may be interested, can you ask them to contact me on my student email which is asmcl1@student.monash.edu .

Thanks.


Gym: - I slept through my alarm clock this morning on purpose. But I will go today in the afternoon, I'm back to enjoying the energy I get from working myself hard. I've managed to reset my body to this weight, but now I just need to get this last 5-10kg off and I will be a happy woman. Until I reach this goal, there is no discussion about ttc baby number 3. Oh on that; I had a dream last night that I birthed another lovely little boy. He was much smaller than the other two and I called him Oliver. aaaah.

Tuesday

So far today I have;

Completed one hard hour of gym - yes I'm back on the saddle again.

Completed my third interview for my research (I would really love to find 3 more participants though - if anybody knows anybody....;) )

Transcribed a whole 10 minutes of my second interview.

House is a mess and there is crap everywhere. I wish I could walk while I transcribe. Then I could attend to the housework.

James is having a failure crisis. He thinks that he is an absolute teaching failure. He isn't I'm sure. He is lovely and gentle and kind. Children will love him, but he just has so little belief in his abilities. While I should continue with this transcribing until my eyes bleed - I'm going to take a break when he gets home and have a cup of tea and really listen to his day. He taught 3 periods today, so will most likely need the debrief and encouragement.

pictures of sunday...

Jude
Jude again..
Noah getting ready with his 'b' and Fatima the communal doll from his childcare centre...


Noah mesmerised by the waterfall...
Noah..
Jude, Noah and Fatima

Trying to get the all in one family shot.

Weekends....

Saturday morning in this house means...

James waking up and rushing off to the markets to get fruit and vegie supplies for the week.

Me heading off to the gym for 1-2 hours (well I didn't do that this week!)

Then this saturday we;

Went to a 5th birthday party at McDonalds (yes, McDonalds!!) where my children inhaled their cheeseburgers in 5 seconds flat. Perhaps we best mention here that the parents did too .

We drove to Western hospital to pick up our beautiful best friend who was there for lectures to prepare for her surgical rounds commencing in a few weeks.

James dropped us off right outside the front door of Savers - where Em and I spent over an hour perusing the many clothes. I walked out with a shirt for James (with even more of a shock that he liked it!!), a shirt for me and a skirt that comes straight out of the 70's.

Obviously as Kmart and Dimmeys are located across the road, we did that too. Laughing and chatting along the way... and ended up at;

A delicious Vietnamese restaurant (hundreds surround us) picked at random. Me kicking myself for earlier partaking in a cheeseburger because all I wanted was delicious steaming hot noodles with crisp asian vegetables. But I was full, so I drank tea while my friend gobbled it all up. We marvelled at our situations; she is in her final year of medicine, me in my final year of social work. Within a few months we are both going to be regarded as professionals. We laughed hysterically at the thought! Isn't it wonderful, 3 of us James, Em and Me - all finishing together and all starting on our next step of our lives together.

A few more laughs in a variety of shops in Footscray, a cuddle and then goodbyes and back 2 stations to my home where my husband was busy cooking dinner for us all.

Dinner, cuddles with children - off to bed they go.

Off to bed I go ah 8.30 on a saturday night - with the Time Travellers Wife which I get proceeded to become engrossed in reading for the next 2 hours. James stays up preparing for his lessons as he starts his 3 week teaching block next week.

Blissful sleep.

Sunday morning in this house means...

Waking up before light and hearing my boys chattering (well actually that occurs most days)

Banana pancakes made by James.. (usually kickstarted by Noah calling out...'I hungry Daddy').

Children running around, arguing, laughing, creating cubby houses...

And today on this sunday?

We're heading out for an adventure. We were going to go to Lake Mountain to have some snow play, but I (mean mummy) called it off because of the expense in hiring the gear and I actually don't like snow all that much. So we decided to go exploring our favourite part of Melbourne; the Dandenongs. Where we can show our children (like we do every time..!) where we got married http://www.poetslane.com.au/ . I imagine one day the children will roll their eyes and go 'yes Mum, we know that is where you got married...', because everytime we go up there - we have to visit Poets Lane and show them, James and I love to drive up through the gates and relive that magical day almost 7 years ago. We will also go to James' favourite spot up there; the arboretum. We are going to take our gum boots and get out to go into the forest and try to find some slugs and worms to show the boys. It is going to be a day for exploring and dreaming...

I anticipate that we'll come home - cold, possibly a bit wet and dirty and hungry.

Dinner, bath and boys into bed.

Me - America's Next Top Model (my secret shame)
James - preparing for his next 3 weeks

God I love weekends in this house.

(Did you notice I failed to mention me doing any Uni work - smack my hand NOW!)