science by a 5 year old.. and other such stories.

Yesterday while taking a shower with his father, Jude began to discuss how rain is made. J felt quite happy to be the recipient of the conversation and began to plan in his head how he could explain evaporation etc in 5 year old language. But this stopped him in his tracks;


Do you know how rain is made Daddy? Rain comes out of very big dick up in the sky. It comes out yellow and then as it goes through the clouds, the yellow becomes clear. And then it falls as rain.

Oh dear!!

Still on the glorious 5 year old, he had his first integration day at primary school today. So very exciting but another mother leaned over to me and said 'Oh Alexis, you are SO going to be the mother that bawls on the first day', not sure how she came up with that.. it could have been as I fumbled over the school uniform - confused, muddled and not sure what I should put an order in for, or even the size. He is already in size 6 here so do I order a size 8??!! EEEK. Luckily I'm surrounded by parents I know and he was grouped with at least 7 of his friends.

I'm also going to be frank here and admit that I am struggling somewhat with some aspects of parenting such a strong willed five year old. He has taken to being angry and expressing that emotion in ways which are not acceptable. Unfortunately he has been squaring this mostly towards me. Like violent threats that he will hit me and that he hates me. I'm trying to skill up on how best to react to it, because I have been reacting but it's just not working so well. Last night after I put them to bed, I drank 2 glasses of wine in quick succession and cried alone as James was out tutoring. I just felt like a failure as a Mother, but I think the tears were a combination of the earlier car troubles, the fear of placement, the research and the uni work I have to do, money stress - you know all the usual things.. and then on top of it, to find that I seem to be doing a less than stellar job raising my children just made me crumble. I almost want to be out of the house five days a week - but the thought also terrifies me... a bit of a jumble there. He never, ever speaks like that to anybody else - his kinder/childcare etc tell me constantly how beautiful he is - sweet, kind etc.

Anyway.

The bogan mobil saga is still ongoing. It didn't start at all yesterday afternoon and remained parked outside of childcare. My stepfather (who owns the car) came over last night after work and went to have a look. He came back muttering something about head gasket (and I know nothing about cars, but even I understood that to be $$$$$$$), so felt sick with worry about it. James had to tutor so we rang a good friend who lives about 1km away and thankfully she lent us her car. Later when he got home, he and my step-father went back and managed to get it home - apparently blah-blah-blah isn't connected to blah-blah-blah (see told you I have NO idea). James believes he may be able to fix it this afternoon, which would be nice as he has to tutor tonight - this time out in Taylors Lakes.

The same friend who lent us the car chatted with me last night and made a very insightful remark about me. I have been thinking about ever since and I think she is absolutely right - and might be at the crux of what eats me up. We all worry a bit, yeah? We budget, we anticipate etc. Well see now I do that constantly. I catastrophise. I carry everything on my shoulders - and I try to think about every single way a situation could turn out and make a plan for it. For example; the other day my parents were advised that their house is going to be sold (they rent) - I went into overdrive, constantly thinking about what would occur, my brain ticking over about where they would live- worry, worry, worry. Meanwhile; they are not worried. So the car business - it didn't start yesterday morning - I began to worry about our income and started planning about how we could make ends meet and anticipating - perhaps too many steps ahead? I don't know how better to describe it, but all in all it makes me a nervous wreck if too many things pile onto me. Last night I began to have a panic attack; something which I haven't experienced for a year or two. Today I woke up with aching shoulders, neck and headache - the physical reminders of my stress.

wow that was just a purge of my feelings, wasn't it?

Anyway I'll round it up with some good news.. my supervisor wants me to think about sending a summary of my research to all of the SW depts in the hospitals and again brought up the possibility of publishing a paper in a journal, an australian health one to capture all health professionals. eek. Key theme in my research findings thus far... INVISIBILITY, lack of acknowledgement. Invisibility is such an interesting finding because it was a major part of my literature review .. and as a participant so cleverly stated.. 'we're not here for a pap smear you know!'

Off to keep working.. this is my last child free day before my placement starts on monday.
xx