Things to do with fellow bloggers...

Donna. We are going to meet. And drink wine. I really, really want to meet you.

Melissa. I'm going to take you to Bridge Road in Richmond to feed you some yummy tofu.

Jenn. We are going to drink a really, really big bottle of drink together - while we yee-ha about our degrees.

Anyone else?

(I'm having an 'I love..' stage drinking my wine).

Good news!

Completed my sixth interview today! All interviews are DONE! Such a great feeling to know that I have finished, and the interview itself was again brilliant. I feel like I have been blessed to be able to meet all of these women who have allowed me to come and share in their most private experiences. Now to do it justice.

Spent the entire tram and train trip back to North Melbourne on the phone with my supervisor - was good to clear the air about our meeting (see previous post) because as I mentioned I was feeling a little vunerable. But all is good and she has even invited me and my family to come to lunch or dinner with her family once she hands her PhD in and I hand my Honours in.. so I think the sands are shifting between supervisor to friend and mentor (though I told her, I was hoping it would involve a meeting in a bar with plenty of wine - hic!). Which suits me fine because as you can already guess, she is very much on the receiving end of a girly crush from me. And this is so funny because, as I was telling James today, when she was the lecturer of the subject I was undertaking a couple of years ago - she almost failed me and I was pissed off and never really thought of her again, until she rang me this year to invite me into the program... She says I'm going to have to move on from the 59 she gave me from the essay that I submitted in the RESEARCH subject, but I can't get over the sheer irony that I'm now an honours student conducting my own research - In fact I actually think it is hilarious! But yes, now - I've actually found someone that not only I respect and admire - but who I actually like too!

Anyway, enough gushing.

Today the other student who is on placement at the hospital (in oncology) and I had a peer supervision session, at a terrible little cafe across the road from the hospital. None other than http://www.rhcl.com.au/ here. God, does anyone know how to make the link hidden so you click on a word to get there? I'm such a techno-phobe. Anyway - one cafe latte and one pear and chocolate muffin later (omg, I'm so going back there) and quite a lot of chatting - we pledged to do this on a weekly event, to debrief to each other. Because she has also been finding it tough, lovely girl she is too :(.

I went via the ward (my supervisor had an RDO) and did some independent sw - meeting with a new patient and talking to two others... ooh I'm getting the hang of this I reckon :). Then went down to a BBQ on the lawns outside my building - had a sausage and then ran to the train to get out to the North Western Suburbs to interview my final participant. Now I'm at home with my beautiful children. Aaaaah, I just love me a friday - James is out in the kitchen making a pizza for dinner, children are eating their pizzas that they made and decorated - all is right in the world.

tofu

Still feeling a little overwhelmed by my workload but two very important things have happened in the last 24 hours..

My fifth interview;

This is what it is about. Being entrusted to hear someones personal story - it really brought the end goal back into sharp focus. I am so grateful and privileged to hear these women's stories and I only hope that I am able to do the justice that this story deserves. Also, it just reinforced the themes that I had already gathered from my other interviews. This stuff needs to be told. I just need to remember this when the going gets tough.

My supervisor;

Today my uni supervisor came into my workplace and took me for lunch - her treat. We spent over an hour talking through some things - and I think I might share them here with you. First of all she wanted to know if I had recovered from my angst, or whether I was just *pretending* that I had recovered? Hmm interesting question I said. I replied that I thought I had recovered, but it was just so hard to tell - because I am an angsty person in general - like I worry about things I have no control over and I am more anxious than the average Joe. She then mentioned that throughout the year she has noticed me making a number of comments when talking about further study (ie - PhD) that I always say 'oh that is James' domain' or 'I always get James to read over it, he is the smart one' or comments to that effect. This is the up/down side of having a SW for a supervisor.. LOL. She wanted to know whether this pattern of thinking dominated in any way.

And well, yes. It does.

I couldn't hide it from her any longer. The following jumble fell from my mouth in a virtual heap on the table next to the tofu/eggplant/couscous/sweet potato deliciousness that we were stuffing our faces with;

1.My complex family history - disjointed. Grew up feeling like a failure, told I was a failure.
2.I had my first baby - and the failure feeling magnified to a point where I considered everybody to be much better off without me.
3.Starting SW and during my developmental subject making this horrid realisation that it wasn't normal to being gripped with terror whenever I left the house and having a *wee* breakdown in 2004.
4.Having therapy and making connections to point 1 +2 + 3. Such a major day, that one. The psychologist forced me to yell out what I felt described myself and the overwhelming theme was 'useless'. So many tissues were used as that little realisation came to a head. Good god, that is the theme I had lived my life to. It was awful, awful, gut wrenching - still is to realise this is my schema.
5.Our work together made a lot of ground and I recovered somewhat, but unfortunately this will be a life long battle. And as I said to my lunch companion today, this is my schema. This is the recording in my head. It is something I have to battle each and every day. I seem to cover it well though. I present as a confident and competent woman who knows what she is talking about and where it's at. But underneath that veneer, is someone who is waiting for someone to out her for the fake that she is.

And when I said all of that.. I though *shit* should I have just let it all out like that? Why did I do that? Nothing like a bit of therapy with my tofu I guess.

She then recounted a time when a couple of months ago her and another lecturer were chatting in front of me and they both agreed that they would be very happy for me to see their children as a sw and I apparently looked at her with utter disbelief. I couldn't believe that they thought so highly of me.

And so after some more talk about my study/placement/life in general - we shared anecdotes of mother-guilt, catholic guilt and just guilt in general (I've probably mentioned it here too - it is the one emotion I feel every waking moment), we languished in the sun and promised that every supervision session should be like this, though I said a glass of wine would complement the session to no end, but imagine the confessions that would come rolling out then!!! So with a sense of resignation we finished up our lunch and I went back to work. As soon as we parted the self-doubt began to creep in. What was I doing telling her these things? What does she think of me now? Am I just a navel-gazing twit who needs to just get on, with getting on? What made me just expose my vunerability so easily, to someone I respect and admire so much? Who I consider to be a friend?

Only time will tell I guess...

I absolutely do not mean to whinge...

but I'm feeling really overwhelmed at the moment.

In the past two days I have had two more people offer themselves as participants for my research. Which has been fantastic for the research (and for me) but that means that I have to juggle my full time work commitments.

So tomorrow I have to be, yes BE on the 7.21am train in order to make my 9.30am interview tomorrow. Then I have to back track back into the city to rush back to work. Meanwhile, my work (as mentioned in previous posts) is incredibly challenging too - and my headspace is pretty much taken up as that. Then I have to have my 2nd draft of my literature review in by monday and I still have more than one transcription to complete (that is without adding in the two that I will do this week).

waaah. I can't stop and chat, I have to get my self organised to be on that 7.21 train tomorrow morning. Oh and above all? I have no money until friday.

I did get to the gym this morning though.

2 weeks down

and while I'm on placement, my boys get to do things like - go to the zoo! My mum woke up this morning and decided to take the boys to the zoo! I got home from work this afternoon, walked in flicked the kettle on and the boys came running up talking about a monkey and lion and Mum mentions 'oh I decided to take them to the zoo today'! How lucky are they?! Nanna and the boys exploring the zoo together.

Last night James and I went to J's kinder art show (they do painting on canvases and it is displayed at an art gallery - parents go - drink wine and marvel at all the clever children - and purchase their childrens painting if so desired - of course we bought J's - it was a masterpiece!) and of course I saw some of the people from the committee who I haven't seen for a while, as well as the other kinder mum's and teacher.. and they were all incredibly interested to see how I'm getting on. When asked about my placement, I can't help but gush! And whilst talking about it last night, I gained a bit of insight into why. See sometimes SW is involved in negative situations - eg; drug and alcohol, child protection, loss - grief, homelessness etc. And obviously, this is no different - being that the criteria to enter this ward is severe head injury.... BUT it is so overwhelmingly positive as well.
Here is how it goes;
People have serious accident/fall etc - have severe head injury/trauma etc
They go to acute hospital - and are medically stabalised - come out of coma etc
Once they are medically stable, they are transferred to our ward - but can still be in post traumatic amnesia (PTA) etc.
Once out of PTA, they then meet an incredibly co-ordinated team of specialists including speech pathologists, neuropsychologists, occupational therapists, physiotherapists, rehabilitation registrars and consultants - and they work together exceptionally, as the patient begins to recover from the traumatic brain injury.

It is like being privy to watching a person rebuild themselves and watching the co-ordinated effort of all the experts together is mindblowing. I'm not sure I'm able to convey what I'm trying to say about this place, but truly it is amazing. And I'm working there. Obviously I haven't mentioned what SW role is, but it is also incredibly important - as the SW acts as the front for the team, connecting with the surrounding family and friends, as well as the patient - helping with practical matters, educating about brain injuries, coordinating meetings with the specialists, as well as any supportive counselling requested or needed by any involved. And because they are long term patients, you actually do case management (which is not common in other acute settings, due to the high turnover of patients) I'm learning so much, so much more about the brain than I ever knew. Such a positive place to be working in, how am I going to leave this place in 12 weeks? I'm so, so, SO applying for hospital positions next year. Right now, I'm independently visiting some patients and offering support and assistance, how cool is that?

Oh and yesterday I went for an inservice to hear about a PhD's in neuropsychology discuss her research and I couldn't help myself, I found her later on the ward and gushed to her about her work, it was amazing! She was also incredibly interested in my research and we talked about my findings and the similarities between the hospital settings and the stark differences. I love being surrounded by such intelligence, seriously!

Ironically, I'm off to watch 'America's next top model' right now, hey - I don't want to be TOOO smart eh?

things....

that I have been enjoying...

hospital smell (weird I know)

running into a most beauutiful woman at Flinders st *mwah* Amoir.

treating myself to a bento box for lunch today

realising that I only have 12.5 weeks to go till I finished.

finding a 5th participant for my research.

Climbing stairs all day long

Having my appearance commented on more than once by other staff (positively I should add).

Being blessed with another fantastic supervisor

transcribing.

patients, families and other staff that I am coming across.

12.5 weeks to go. 12.5 weeks to go.

Talking to my best friend by skyppe and seeing each others faces when she told me she was pregnant!

Managing to wear a wardrobe (with compliments) that almost entirely has come from savers or is second hand.

Being a quick learner and showing my competency enough that people are actually starting to ask my clinical opinion


things that I haven't been enjoying...

waking up.

trying to wish away time spent on a train that is packed quite literally like sardines.

missing the gym..

borderline personality disorder (not me).

arriving home at 7.30 due to above ... and missing seeing my boys awake last night as a result.

finding an email from my supervisor "gently reminding" me that I need to submit a powerpoint presentation for my honours asap.

Looking at my diary and realising that I have to hand in my next draft of my lit review within the next 14 days!!

Finding the time to interview latest participant

Transcribing (double edged sword because takes so much time but is so important!)

Riding on a tram every morning past an abortion clinic and seeing security staff guarding the front gate and seeing between one and five people with their placards waiting to harass women as they are forced to pass them on their way in. Notes - most are old men. Funny that. Note 2 - they have placards of the fetus, depicting it as being individual - with the mother not even represented. One day I'm going to get off that tram and walk past to have a closer look and see what they have to say. It really makes me incensed. What do they expect? Women to go 'oh thank you for helping me see the light?' 'shoving the plastic representation of a fetus has magically made all of the issues that brought me to make this most serious and important decision go away, how can I ever repay you?'. As you can tell, it raises my bp but I look out for it every single day. Just to see if they will be there today. And they are.

Missing my children and husband more than ever.

Saturday...and it is 25 degrees!

Gosh I love spring. It takes that first sunny and warm day for me to realise just how much I actually like it. And I love what it does to my surroundings. Melbourne just comes alive!

Anyway - 5 days down on the placement - still loving it. We are in discussions about taking on my own case load but until then (possibly in a week) I will be starting to settle in to going into see patients by myself etc. But truly? I seriously love it. And the best bit, I am not snacking because the job has me running around all day. The hospital resembles a rabbit warren and my desk is nowhere near the ward that I work on. So all day, I run up and down the stairs - barely ever sitting down. Thats got to be good for the fat shifting, right? Also, because I am barely ever around - I am not snacking at all. Which means I am have limited my caffeine intake and have zilch chocolate as well!

All this is good and well, because the downside is, I haven't been managing to get to the gym at all during the week, due to my start time (8.30), and I only managed to get there monday and then today this week. Today I did pump and then cycle and while it hurt a little, it was nowhere NEAR as bad as the other week that I blogged about. I feel good, very good - and even better that the weather heated up and I put some summery clothes on and looked decent!

My children also survived the week without me, pfft they don't need me at all. Except Noah suddenly wouldn't poo on the toilet because of big scary spiders (has been toilet trained for months) and my poor mother had to clean 2 pairs of his undies. My mum at 66 ran around town yesterday signing leases, get cheques done, going to Highpoint etc - as her house has been put up for sale and she wanted to get out of there asap, and ended up getting the first house she applied for. It is SO much nicer than the one she is in now, and it is for the same price. A lovely californian bungalow, partially renovated too. Anyway, she did all of that running around with her two granchildren on board. She is an expert, I would have surely crumbled.

Anyway, best get back to transcribing. I have 1 and 1/4 interviews to go. I can hear my children playing joyfully in the sunshine with their wonderful father.. I am very tempted to join them...

xx

It just feels right...

You know when you have that feeling that you have made the right decision, you don't second guess yourself - but you feel anxious and slightly nervous that you might be mistaken about something important? You dwell on it a little and wonder if the decision you have made, which impacts on your life in a big way, is right?

Well now - up until Monday morning, I felt like that - holding my breath, scared I had made the wrong decision - but I hadn't :) - I exhaled, my shoulders dropped, my anxiety lessened - I suddenly saw a much bigger picture... this might sound trite, but ...

I honestly believe I was born to be a Social worker. This fits me like a glove, I feel so comfortable - so content even on placement. The work is me. The style is me. I like the "profession" feel about it. I've never worked in any profession before and it just feels right. And then I remembered back to last year and I remember feeling even more nervous, but I remember walking in and feeling like I had come home. It is such a strong feeling, perhaps it is so pronounced because I have had so many other jobs where I just did the work, but didn't love it and didn't feel like it had much purpose to it if you know what I mean?

I don't even consider the fact that all this placement is unpaid. I love getting on the train with the thousands of others at 7.30 and watching the world go by on my way to work while I listen to very bad 1980's music.

I'm actually feeling so satisfied with myself, the study is almost over, this is what I have been working towards and this placement feels like a reward to me. I'm excited by the future and I'm even more convinced that I can see myself working in a hospital.

Last essay due tomorrow. Then only 13,000 words to go, and all - ALL will be done*.

Children are coping well with me being away. Truthfully, I don't think they really care. After all, their nanna will be looking after them on the days that they aren't in Kinder/child care and she spoils them very much so, they'll be very happy indeed.

Oh and finally before I go to finish up my last essay - I'm getting so many compliments on my wardrobe...and all of it, even the shoes, have come from savers!

ps - I'm also aware that I am only 3 days in and I could still be in the "honeymoon phase". I doubt it, but I reserve the right to reverse my pledgings of love etc if I need to ;) .


*Can someone please shoot me if I start talking about Masters or higher..my fieldwork supervisor was talking about her masters degree and my thesis supervisor keeps mentioning future research for me....

one day down...

I have barely any time.. but I thought I would quickly tell you all about my placement.

Amazing, life saving, terrifying, so many acronyms to learn, very respectful multi-disciplinary teamwork, the steepest learning curve that I have ever undertaken, enthusiasm for students (by all of the medical and allied health team), puzzling short-hand in patient files about accident and injuries, patients and their families, cage beds that look quite confronting, coma scales, variations of head injuries, complex psychosocial backgrounds, meetings, meetings, meetings, trying to remember any of the hundred people I met yesterday, working out that the chain of command registrar to consultant.

By 3pm my brain hurt. I was home by 5.40pm and dozing on the couch by 8.30 - nevemind that I have an essay due on wednesday. So verdict after day one? An excellent placement that will be challenging but very supportive.

Saturday...what a beautiful day

The sun is shining, the birds are singing... I did my 4th interview this morning so I can officially commence my research - WOOHOO! I came home and then went to the gym and worked really hard and now I am sitting here waiting for Rach to pick me up so we can go to my favourite shop, Savers in Foot-es-cray. One day when I have some time, I will photograph all of my dresses that I have managed to buy from there. I'm actually going there today to scout for something for James for fathers day and I'm taking my "fashion forward" friend to help me work out what to get that he might like - champagne looks on a beer budget indeed ;0.

I start my placement on monday ----- eek! Scared shitless I am. Seriously. Practically my first week will be taken up with meetings of all the other allied health staff there etc. A good friend lent me a book called 'Watermelon' by Ruth Ritchie (sorry can't find a link) as it deals with a person who has an ABI and goes into rehab. Very interesting and has given me a taste perhaps of what is to come. To say I am in for a challenge may indeed be an understatement.

One way I can tell I've come out of hibernation, I've shaved my legs - there was only 5 months worth of growth there ;) and I've given up trying to save up for an eyebrow wax and plucked it myself, my eyebrows don't look too bad either!

Ciao - hope the weekend is as shiny as ours will be..

science by a 5 year old.. and other such stories.

Yesterday while taking a shower with his father, Jude began to discuss how rain is made. J felt quite happy to be the recipient of the conversation and began to plan in his head how he could explain evaporation etc in 5 year old language. But this stopped him in his tracks;


Do you know how rain is made Daddy? Rain comes out of very big dick up in the sky. It comes out yellow and then as it goes through the clouds, the yellow becomes clear. And then it falls as rain.

Oh dear!!

Still on the glorious 5 year old, he had his first integration day at primary school today. So very exciting but another mother leaned over to me and said 'Oh Alexis, you are SO going to be the mother that bawls on the first day', not sure how she came up with that.. it could have been as I fumbled over the school uniform - confused, muddled and not sure what I should put an order in for, or even the size. He is already in size 6 here so do I order a size 8??!! EEEK. Luckily I'm surrounded by parents I know and he was grouped with at least 7 of his friends.

I'm also going to be frank here and admit that I am struggling somewhat with some aspects of parenting such a strong willed five year old. He has taken to being angry and expressing that emotion in ways which are not acceptable. Unfortunately he has been squaring this mostly towards me. Like violent threats that he will hit me and that he hates me. I'm trying to skill up on how best to react to it, because I have been reacting but it's just not working so well. Last night after I put them to bed, I drank 2 glasses of wine in quick succession and cried alone as James was out tutoring. I just felt like a failure as a Mother, but I think the tears were a combination of the earlier car troubles, the fear of placement, the research and the uni work I have to do, money stress - you know all the usual things.. and then on top of it, to find that I seem to be doing a less than stellar job raising my children just made me crumble. I almost want to be out of the house five days a week - but the thought also terrifies me... a bit of a jumble there. He never, ever speaks like that to anybody else - his kinder/childcare etc tell me constantly how beautiful he is - sweet, kind etc.

Anyway.

The bogan mobil saga is still ongoing. It didn't start at all yesterday afternoon and remained parked outside of childcare. My stepfather (who owns the car) came over last night after work and went to have a look. He came back muttering something about head gasket (and I know nothing about cars, but even I understood that to be $$$$$$$), so felt sick with worry about it. James had to tutor so we rang a good friend who lives about 1km away and thankfully she lent us her car. Later when he got home, he and my step-father went back and managed to get it home - apparently blah-blah-blah isn't connected to blah-blah-blah (see told you I have NO idea). James believes he may be able to fix it this afternoon, which would be nice as he has to tutor tonight - this time out in Taylors Lakes.

The same friend who lent us the car chatted with me last night and made a very insightful remark about me. I have been thinking about ever since and I think she is absolutely right - and might be at the crux of what eats me up. We all worry a bit, yeah? We budget, we anticipate etc. Well see now I do that constantly. I catastrophise. I carry everything on my shoulders - and I try to think about every single way a situation could turn out and make a plan for it. For example; the other day my parents were advised that their house is going to be sold (they rent) - I went into overdrive, constantly thinking about what would occur, my brain ticking over about where they would live- worry, worry, worry. Meanwhile; they are not worried. So the car business - it didn't start yesterday morning - I began to worry about our income and started planning about how we could make ends meet and anticipating - perhaps too many steps ahead? I don't know how better to describe it, but all in all it makes me a nervous wreck if too many things pile onto me. Last night I began to have a panic attack; something which I haven't experienced for a year or two. Today I woke up with aching shoulders, neck and headache - the physical reminders of my stress.

wow that was just a purge of my feelings, wasn't it?

Anyway I'll round it up with some good news.. my supervisor wants me to think about sending a summary of my research to all of the SW depts in the hospitals and again brought up the possibility of publishing a paper in a journal, an australian health one to capture all health professionals. eek. Key theme in my research findings thus far... INVISIBILITY, lack of acknowledgement. Invisibility is such an interesting finding because it was a major part of my literature review .. and as a participant so cleverly stated.. 'we're not here for a pap smear you know!'

Off to keep working.. this is my last child free day before my placement starts on monday.
xx

bogan mobil - 1 Alexis - 0

It was raining this morning, so instead of walking the 500m to Kinder - I got into the car, drive there ..drop off etc etc. It's peak hour there too, cars coming and going and coming and going with a kinder and childcare centre side by side. I walk out - start the car - it starts.. it shudders.. it stops....

It is just cold, I reason.

I turn the key.. it starts..it shudders..it stops.

FUCK. Fuck.FUCK.

I turn the key.. it shudders...it stops.

I'm around the corner from home thank christ, because I have zilcho idea about cars - James is on his way to his work as well as Mum and Mario. All the concerned parents look on and ask me if I want a lift home, and slightly ashamed I admit that I only live around the corner, but I drove because it was raining.. HONEST!

So somehow I have to beg the magic fairies to fix this car before tonight, because James tutors at Point Cook and if he doesn't work, we don't get paid and we need every single cent at the moment.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

C'mon trusty Bogan Mobil - show us what you're made of.

first day of spring...!

A word of warning.

Never, ever do a pump class after not attending for a few months, believing because you have been weight lifting during that time, that you can continue with the weights that you had lifted some months previously in pump. Because come song number two - the squat track, you will be squatting with 10kgs on your back for 5 and a half minutes non-stop. For the rest of the lesson my legs shook uncontrollably, so much so that I couldn't do dead-lifts etc.

and then...

Do not stumble from that class across the hall to a cycle class - where even the teacher looks amazed as you walk in and asks 'are you trying to kill yourself?' - but in my mind I need to get on that bike to get rid of the lactic acid build-up, surely that will be good right? Woohoo I worked my arse off for 50 minutes...then gingerly walked down the stairs clutching at the railing everytime I had to bend my knees lol.

and then..

Do not go to your reformer pilates and works solidly on your core.

Oh it hurt so good! And it was all fun and games until sunday morning, when I woke up and could barely get out of bed - everytime I got up or sat back down, I had to hold onto something otherwise I would yell out in pain. My quads are killing me.

Did you think I learned anything from that?

This morning (mon) - I hobbled, yes hobbled out of bed, into the car and gingerly walked back up those stairs - clutching the railing all the way to my favourite bike (left in 'my position' - you know you do a lot of spin classes when you have a particular bike and it stays on your setting because you are the only one that sits on it lol) and did it all again at 6am.

ahhh I love exercising. I really do.

p.s - that reminds me... I have to tell you all the most bizarre phone call I had from my mum last week that went..

'Hello Alexis, how are you?'
'Well, having an awful day actually *bursts into tears* - the boys are in a bad mood and we've all been fighting today non-stop'
5 minutes of pat-patting from mum and ssh-sshhing then..
'Oh yes and by the way, I had a facial today from.. a RELATIVE of yours!'
*sound of jaw hitting the floor*
'what the?'
'Oh yes the new beautician at the gym - she is your third cousin - we worked it out while she did my facial. Her great-grandfather is your grandfathers brother..'

My mum hey, the things she finds out. She never fails to amuse me ..

So on saturday -sweaty and hobbling after doing those above mentioned classes - I walked into the beautician and saw her... she said
'oh my god you're so white! You don't look like us at all..'
'no, I don't. But why would I, my father is tongan.. you are Maori'


It turns out she has just moved over from New Zealand and was so excited by the fact that we were related, rang her grandfather at home. Photos are being mailed over from NZ as we speak. See, see nothing bad ever comes from exercising.


Uni stuff - transcribed second interview. Starting to transcribe third interview. Trying to source fourth interview. Freaking out a little bit. Meeting with supervisor tomorrow to pencil in some dates. Last essay ever due in next week. Final placement commences monday.